Just have to share…..

FEDERAL PELL GRANT FOR ME!!!!

Looks like this momma may really be going back to school. Long, late nights studying coming up!! Start the coffee!

who is OK with not getting Christmas presents?  I don’t get any, so what?

This all started with an email from my friend, Scott. He use to work at the same place I do, but transfered to a different town, but same company. Therefore we have the same company email. When he works weekends we email each other all day. Makes the time go faster. Except that he doesn’t work Sundays and I think that is really unfair.

Well, he asked me what I was hoping to get for Christmas. I chuckled and said, I don’t get presents. Wait, let me clarify…I DO get the wonderful gifts that the boys make in school. But, other than that I don’t get them. I actually do get some money from my step-mom, but I choose to get additional stuff for the boys with it.

Scott truly thought this was horrible. How could someone not get presents. But, I do everytime my boys open up theirs. That’s what makes my heart grow.

I’m not close with my extented family. It’s just basically, me, my boys and my mom. I can only afford to buy for my boys, my mom and my step-mom.  Although, we do pick out small gifts for classroom teachers and Eli’s vision teachers and vision aid. I don’t do the secret santa exchange at work. So, really there’s no one I would get a gift from anyways.  

Isn’t the season about giving and not getting? That’s my personal gift for Christmas…giving.

I have the feeling Scott may be getting me something now. I feel like it would be a pity gift. (Is that mean of me?) He so doesn’t have to, he’s got his own family to buy for.

Scott also feels I’m the only one in the world that doesn’tget anything, (I think.) But, we know that’s not true. There are many people out there that don’t. And I am more fortunate than some of them as I can afford to get my children a few gifts. My heart goes out to the parents that just can’t afford a gift(s) for their chld(ren). I’m sure this tears them up inside.

He went on to ask IF I got presents what would I want. Honestly I couldn’t even think of anything at first. Then I told him I wished I could pick a family off of the tree in the mall and buy them tons of cool stuff. He wasn’t satisfied with my answer, but I am.

We started off with your normal vision exam. I have my concerns with Eli’s left eye. Under the letters he is to read he wasn’t reading the 200 range with his left eye. He did with his right. Now, I’m assuming this is the 200 as in 20/200. The next letter he was shown was 300 which he could read. So…is his right eye still 20/200 and his left now 20/300?

Elijah then had an electroretinogram on Tues. Threads were inside his eyelids measuring his eye’s reactions. We sat in a dark (as dark as can be) room for over an hour. Eli had to look into a space helmet looking device and then it would flash a light. The light colors would change and the breaks in between the flashes varied.

After the test the tech said to Eli, “You sure don’t see very well at night do you?” He laughed and said, “No”.

That’s all I really know about the test until we see his eye doctor in town on Jan. 4.

Next Eli was off to a photo shoot. There was one set of photos of his retinas ordered. However, after those were done this tech thought we should do some more on two other camers. So, off to two more rooms and then we were done.

I know nothing about the pictures either. Just that the tech mentioned that he felt he made the right decision to take further pictures.

It really sucks going to these appointments and not finding ANYTHING out. The techs can’t tell you anything and the doctors have to review all of it.

I know Jan. 4 is not that far away. And with the holidays here the time will fly. But, man…it feels like forever before I’ll know the results. UGH!

I passed my college readiness exam today!

WHOOOO it’s been awhile for some of that Math stuff! But I did it!

I now have provisional acceptance into college. Just a few more steps, intake interview, financial aid, and my past transcripts.

I’m excited. Things are going to be quite busy the next four years! (HOPEFULLY! Not FULLY there yet!)

I’m going to pick up drinking. Heavily!

I just want everything to go away right now.

I’m ready for a long vacation, preferably someplace warm. If I close my eye I can see myself on the porch of a log cabin in the mountains. Trees are overlooking us. The sun is shining bright. Of course there’s no worries to be had.

Hey-a person can dream…right?

So…..whatcha want first the good or the bad? We definitely have both. Lets go with the “bad” or the things in life that I would rather not be dealing with.

I found out on Fri. that my appeal to the insurance company for a CCTV for Eli has come to an end. Actually, I should say it NEVER got started. Angry I am, because my “advocate specialist” NEVER sent the appeal letter like she said she would. And now my appeal time has expired. Nice specialist, ah? I would have written one. Either that or I could have gone with one of the other two organizations that offered to take my case. But when they found out I was working with the one my advocate works with they said to stick with her because that organization is top in the state. At this particular moment I beg to differ.

My mom is irritating the doo-doos out of me. I hate to say that, but she is. She is a complete nervous wreck about her trip. She’s forgetful, she’s repeating herself 100 times.  She’s overly sensitive to the smallest things. She’s crabby. I know she’s not sleeping. I know she freaking out about going. But damn it, I’m sick of taking the backlash from her. I ask her a question and she blows up..”I already told you! Blah, blah….” Too bad 99.9% she hasn’t and normally she recalls who she told then. If she makes it to the airport on Saturday, I think I may be surprised. Why do something is it causes you this much stress?

I wish my friend wouldn’t have pointed out that the actions of Mr. Shockman being inappropriate. I can’t stop thinking about how I so easily accepted it as it was just the way things go and even made the excuse he was a nice guy. It amazes me how I swore I would never let another man treat me half as bad as my ex husband and yet I allowed this. Well, I didn’t allow ANYTHING, but I excused what he did do. IAM BETTER THAN THAT! I let myself sink to my old self that didn’t give a rat’s ass about herself and had no self-esteem. What the hell is up with that? One scumbag dragged me down…but only for a short time.

If a friend of mine confessed to me as I did to my friend, I’d be telling her to file charges. My friend told me this. I’m not filing. There’s too much a stake. He’s power… I’m the not. Just pray he stays away. I don’t want him near me again.

I think I’m done with the bad! YAY!

On to the good and bad…

PooWee’s IEP meeting is set up for Dec. 9th. Good that he is getting help with his speech. Bad because I still can’t agree with sending a 3 year old off on a bus to school. That’s MY time to teach him. I know I still can and will, but PRESCHOOL ALREADY??? In Roni’s world…the speech therapist would continue to come to our home and talk with him verses him going to her.

Elijah and I are headed down to UW Hospital Eye Clinic on Dec. 1 for more tests on his vision. These test are looking at Stargardts Disease. Good because we may know more specifics on his vision. We’re pinpointing more. Bad because of the what ifs. What if things are worse than we thought.

I think I can go on to the good now.

ANDREW GOT ANOTHER JOB!!!! YAY!!! My bank account has been running on empty here. It’s been hard to help him out more than what he costed me when he lived with me. Plus without the child support I use to get with him. It warms my heart to know that he truly did appreciate it though. He has left his teen attitude in high school. YAY!

I have officially applied to college. My next step is to take the readiness tests. I need about 2 hour of peace and quiet. YEAH-I’m going to find that! I’m hoping the boys fall fast asleep tonight…EARLY!

When Elijah and I go down to Madison is highly possible I will be meeting up with Bryan. We never did get together this summer. But, I hope and pray it works out this time. Elijah has actually never met him. I feel strongly that he will really like him.

It’s not looking like Andrew will make it. And well, I’m getting a sitter for PooWee. This will be no fun for him at all. Eli will have a test done, then we wait…have another test done…then we wait…etc No fun for a 3 year old OR ME! I must not forget my knitting.

I don’t have the details of the tests yet, but the should be coming in the mail any day now.

Speaking of Bryan, I don’t think I ever did link all my internety friends to his site. Well, here ya have it…Crosswind Music. 

Well, as I mentioned above, I’m at work and it’s been super slow all day, but now we are getting 2 patients. Speaking of good and bad. Bad that the patient is coming to the ICU, but good for my sanity as I now have something to do!

Throughout the last few days I’ve been contemplating the idea of returning to school. The last time I thought of this was right before I became pregnant with PooWee. (Which may have even played a factor in my adoption plan.)

I never really thought I would return anymore. Like being 35 is too old. I’ll admit I’m not overjoyed about having to start from square one again. Being over 10 years since I was last in college, none of my credits will transfer. Oh joy joy to all the gen eds and electives that I really don’t need nor want to do.

I’d prefer to just slam it all in at once. Jam pack me and let me go to town. But I’m wise enough to know that won’t work.

The way I’m looking at having to cut my income drastically, I’m thinking I might as well just go full out and go back to school. Take the negative situation and try to turn it positive.

I’m checking out grants and funds. Thinking I should atleast call make an appointment and see if this is even a possibility.

Then there is the decision on what to become? What exactly do I want to do for the rest of my life?

I’m in healthcare now, but…UGH! If I’m going to school I’d like to just get out of here! There is somewhat of a job security in healthcare, but still….UGH! Let me run if I can.

There’s the whole adoption interest in my life. I’ve thought of being a social worker. Is that something that I would be interested in 30 years from now though too? It could be a pretty heart wrenching job. Joy and sorrow that could wear me down.

On the other hand, I have plenty of options in social work.  

Art would be great. Fiber art even better. Get a job though. To be successful enough to be able to raise a family. Don’t think so.

I’m leaning towards something in helping the visually impaired. Not sure if that would be teaching or something else. It’s a passion of mine, for obvious reason. One that I don’t believe will ever leave me.

I’m struggling though. We aren’t rich by any means. But we are living comfortably. We get some extras, but aren’t spoiled either. I’ll have to play my cards right. I’m sure the kids will be upset when I tell them the cable will be shut off. Who needs cable anyways?!—ME!  Of course there’s other ways we can spend our money more wisely.

Guess I’m just looking at my options right now. Not sure what I’m going to do. I do know that the clock is ticking and I am running out of time to figure out what to do!

*One bonus for the blog if  I do go to school is my writing should improve! I’m the first to admit I’m a lazy writer/typer. Sorry to all that bear through it. I’m usually just happy to get a post out.

What’s my dilemma? Work! Work-smork-bork!

I’ve got to figure out what I’m going to do with my work schedule and soon.

Here’s the deal, my sitter has quite babysitting on Sundays. Andrew has been watching them every other Sunday and my mom the other. PooWee’s dad gets him every other Sunday afternoon until I get done with work. This is usually the Sunday Grandma has the boys.

Grandma is headed to Arizona for about 2 months in a few weeks. Andrew works the Sunday that he doesn’t get the boys. He also doesn’t commit to sitting until the Saturday before.

I’ve called way to many sitters to count. Either they have no openings or they don’t sit on Sundays. I do have one more number to call, however she is a 20 min drive the opposite direction. Last resort!

I also need to find someone/thing for Eli on Fridays. He needs to be taken to school and pick up and dealt with until I’m done with work. There is after school childcare, they won’t commit to just taking him on “just Fridays” until 2 weeks prior to the date I need them. What if they are full?

My current sitter keeps the boys until 1 hr prior to me being done at work. During the summer she agreed to keeping them longer. I’m worried she may not feel that way now, seeing she is already cutting her hours of sitting.

I need to work 24 hours of a weekend to maintain my extra pay as weekend only. Which is a large amount per hour.

I could….

1-Cut my hours from 36 to 24. Perhaps by not working Sundays. But still stuck with Eli’s situation on Fridays.

2-Go off of weekend only. Would have to work a day and a pm shift. Plus work every third weekend. New babysitter issues open up there. Not to mention that I despise the thought of my kids not being in their own beds at night.

Looks like no matter what I do I will be decreasing my budget dramatically. I will have the money that I pay my mother for sitting, but that doesn’t compare to the loss in wages.

I also work any and all holidays that fall on a weekend. Sure, this is nice for a few years, but starting this year it’s not that nice. I have to work Christmas and New Years day.

PooWee will go by his dad on Christmas day. I’m doubting they will take him as early as I would need them too though. Here too, he says, “we’ll talk when it gets closer.”

My heart breaks for Eli. As Eli really has no one. My niece did send the message through Grandma that she would take him if I didn’t find anything else. AWESOME offer, just feel that Eli may be uncomfortable. She’s the only person he would know as she will be with her “other” side of her family. I’ve threatened my mother that I was going to fly him to Arizona for Christmas! (She can’t get away that easy!) LOL

Andrew was more than willing to hang with Elijah until he got word that he too has to work.

I’m crossing my fingers that one girl at work will switch Thanksgiving for Christmas. Unfortunately, she is on Family Medical Leave for an undetermined amount of time.

It doesn’t look like Motrin will be taken out of my diet for a while. I’m sick of the headaches! SERIOUSLY, why does my head have to keep reminding me of everything going on?

I’m ready to say, “Screw it all! Watch out Coco here we come!!!” LOL!

Another thought was to look into dropping the hours and look at going to school again.

I guess only time will tell!

Some weight lifted off of my shoulders after the meeting on Mon. concerning Elijah at school. It turned out to be a rather informative meeting.

I still don’t understand why they call it a Function Behavior Assessment (FBA). Then to add to that all the information a person finds on my state’s Department of Public Instruction on a FBA gives examples such as uncontrollable acting out in class. Which does not match Elijah at all.

I did go in to the meeting with a negative attitude. Left with a more positive one. I expressed this to everyone present. They too agree that the description of a FBA should be change. Our case being a good  example.

In the end, things are going to be changing. 

Here, his classroom teacher is doing what she feels she needs to do to better his education.  She tells him to get his monocular, to use his SenseView, or to move to the front, because she thought this was best. However, she now realizes that at times it may be more of a distraction to him to use these things than verses to just listen. Elijah has already “figured” figured this out and has chosen the best way for him to learn.

She had a moment of clarity when she mentioned that for Social Studies she does all the reading outloud to the class. She then stated that Eli participates in Social Studies more than any other subject. And here for all the other subjects she “making” him use his technology when he may be better off without it.

The Art teacher will be spoken to about the comments she has made to Elijah. His vision and the best way to educate him will be told to her and the Science teacher as well. When a teacher does a demonstration in front of the class, they are going to have to use more descriptive words to go with their actions. If Eli were to get close enough to see what they are doing, none of the class would see.

I had an upsetting moment and of course it was with the principal. She was talking about the 5th graders movie that they had earned. She hosts these movies and makes popcorn for them.

She was aware of Elijah’s need to be a self advocate, so she didn’t inform him that she had a smaller TV for him to watch the movie on. She stated she just let him sit where he wanted and that was that.

I then asked her, “How is he suppose to know he can ask for something when he doesn’t even know it’s an option? He’s been attending this school for 3 years and has never been able to watch what the other kids are watching.”

I got a nod and a wink from his VI teacher.

The principal’s actions kinda upset me. Here Eli could have watched what he had earned just like the other kids. But, it’s almost as if her little game of  “Eli advocating for himself” he was denied it.

I was happy when he told me he had already seen the movie and didn’t like it anyways.

My advocate made mentioned that Eli is an example of a good husband. In that he does what he is told and doesn’t say another word. (Am I raising a god one or what?) But, he does need to learn that he can tell a teacher that he feels he doesn’t need to use a certain item in a situation, if he feels he’s better off without it.

I still have my concerns with school. I’m watching keeping a close eye on the situations with BoyA and BoyB closely. Eli tells me everything so it’s not too hard.

Infact BoyA was making remarks today about being able to beat the crap out of Eli,  and his two friends. One of Eli’s friends told him there was no way he could. So BoyA said, “Monday after school I’ll prove it.” Eli’s friend took him up on the offer.

Personally, I strongly believe BoyA would be eating his words. But this fight will never happen. BoyA’s parents will be in the front of the car line and he will be straight out to them. There’s a part of me that wants to send out a warning to the teacher or principal, but do I get involved when it’s not even my kid and the odds of this actually even happening are so very, very slim. BoyA has talked so much smack in the past that ya just gotta laugh at this one too.

I also have my concerns with Eli’s academic levels. I’m still confused as to how he can score in the outstanding, or above grade level on state tests or IQ test, yet they only teach him at “basic” level. I know, I know….welcome to public schools.

Are there any volunteers who are teachers for the visually impaired, teach braille and do orientation and mobility lesson out there who would work with my Eli. I would bring him home and homeschool him in a heartbeat. He would be so free to excel and achieve way more than the education he is currently getting.

 Next step is for the classroom teacher, VI teacher and principal to sit down and talk about the future changes for Eli. Then they will meet up in a few weeks again to discuss the changes. Eli and I will attend and give our input as well. Another FBA will be held, probabl with the IEP (for next year) towards the end of this school year.

Eli’s IEP (full review) is duein June. I do have the option of having his the “IQ” tests retaken. I would like to, because I don’t feel the school supported the results. In SECOND GRADE the kid had an auditory comprehension  equivalent to 8.8 grade level! And they first figure out NOW that he does better with just listening verses fighting to get his SenseView in focus?!

Yet, should Ihave Eli pulled from class numerous of times for some test scores that aren’t taken into consideration anyways?

I’mglad this meeting has turned out the way it did. I’m looking forward to the next meeting andsee hear from Eli how things are going.

It’s been just as if not more chaotic since my last post.

Andrew is getting settled in his new lil pad. He loves  being out on his own. He’s grown so much in these past few weeks. Everyone has told me that kid’s start coming out of the teen attitudes and drama around the age of 22 or 24. Andrew has appeared to have already made that step.

He’s doing some babysitting for me on Sundays, as my sitter decided to stop sitting on Sundays. (UGH!) He is so much nicer to Eli than when he was at home. Eli loves just going over to Andrew’s place and sitting around. Eli also like both of Andrew’s room mates. I think he feels like one of the guys.

Speaking of Andrew’s new home. It’s the apartment that Eli’s dad had when he did all that horrible stuff to Eli. Andrew took caution in taking Eli there. We knew it could cause some horrible memories to trigger, but could also be therapeutic and show Eli that “it’s all in the past.”

Eli had done well with it. He has admitted to recalling what the place looked like 6 years ago. He got a bit freaked out, but got himself back under control. I believe it’s been more therapeutic than anything.

PooWee still and probably always will think that Andrew and his friends are the coolest people in the entire world. He doesn’t even want to come home with me!

I don’t believe I’ve told you all about our newest family member. I’ve been holding off due to wanting to post pictures. BUT, somethings up with my beloved computer AGAIN! (New one on the to get list from taxes!) I can’t get my camera to download my full memory card to the computer! And well…I haven’t really had the time to mess with the computer either.

Anyways….

Eli got a puppy for his birthday!

Yes, I am well aware that I MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY MIND!!! I’m still trying to figure out what I was exactly thinking.

Puppy’s name is Kadin. Eli choose it after two to three days of trying out different names. Kadin means companion and Eli liked that. It fits the little guy.

Kadin is a pug (momma) and boston terrier (dadda) mix. AKA a Bugg.

Kadin is full of piss and vinegar. He loves to attack PooWee. Poor PooWee has Kadin marks all over.

Kadin and Eli started their puppy classes on Thurs. Though Kadin thought that attacking the cute lil girl puppy was more fun then listening. He is such a male.

Eli has done well with poop and pee duties. We are training him to go inside and outside. Just when we think we had an awesome day, he proves us wrong. He is gated out of all carpeted areas, BUT has now figured out how to JUMP the gates.

Kadin and Eli are truly going to be great buddies!

I can’t wait to show you all some pictures of the little shit. Plus, I got a gross one that will make you laugh!  He’s a creative lil guy as well!

Got this (stupid, annoying, nonsense…etc) FBA meeting at Eli’s school on Monday morning. I have yet to figure out how or why we need it. Someone tell me why MY request to meet with the classroom teacher and principal to discuss BoyA and BoyB’s relationship with Eli has turned in to THEIR CONCERNS being addressed. They won’t discuss anything about these boys.

And let me tell you…if his classroom teacher walks in plops in her chair, folds her arms across her chest and has the same glare she wore at the past meeting, I WILL FLIP OUT!! We are here BECAUSE of her and then to walk in with such an attitude. Like I’m wasting her time! Oh lady – you haven’t even seen the b*tch that I can be yet!

Eli’s VI teacher, K and I have talked at length about all this. I so do love her! This is the first FBA she’s been involved in, and she’s been teaching VI students for 33 years. She’s heard it’s a long dragged out process. LOVELY…just lovely!

My advocate will be joining us. I have mixed feeling about her. Though she is very nice, well informed on the laws, and has taught me a lot. She is an “in your face” type of personality. I really don’t care what she says to the classroom teacher or the principal, as I don’t have too many nice thoughts about them right now myself. But, she has gotten rude with K a few times. THAT BOTHERS me! K knows what she is doing and I trust her with all my heart.

Eli and I will meet with our advocate prior to this meeting. I trying to find the correct words to inform her that I want her to be nice. I want everyone to “play nice in the sandbox”.

Hopefully after this meeting, I’ll be able to sleep! I really miss my sleep!