Monday Morning Thoughts

This weekend I was once again targeted by someone needing to remind me that J & P have adopted twin boys. There was an email sent out by C inviting people to a “Finalization” party this past Thurs. Someone decided to place a copy of this email in my mailbox and highlight a few sentences. Those highlighted were meant to hurt me….I guess!

- It is to celebrate the finalization of the adoption of the most beautiful boys…

-Its been a long hard journey…

MOVE ON PEOPLE!!!!

If I were given the chance to reply to this particular person I would probable inform them that I already knew about this party. I may live in a city with about 40,000 people, but it’s still a small world. J & P and I know many of the same people. I could get sarcastic and tell them some of the things I have heard about this party.

1- “We are so sick of hearing about the adoption. It’s crazy! First there was a Welcome Home Party then there was the Adoption Party then the boys turned 2 years old and now a FINALIZATION party.”

2-”I’m not going….I bought them enough stuff.”

I believe C is organizing all these things. People are starting to feel that she is going overboard. Knowing J, my gut reaction would be that J would feel the same. She often talked to me about C making issues much bigger than they are. I’m sure C is just so happy and excited for J & P, but it’s starting to get a negative response from others.

I didn’t have any emotional issues this time. I simple took the email and made a copy, put a sticky note on it that said, “FYI Found in my mailbox this weekend.” and put the copy in my director’s mailbox. Haven’t heard from my director yet.

The person who put this in my mailbox could be anyone. I guess C had copies all over the unit this past Mon. Our shift leader took them all down saying they will only bring trouble. Well, I guess she was right. Someone took it upon themselves to share with me.

What I don’t understand is why this person feels I need to know this stuff. Does she/he think it will tear me apart? Do they just like shoving the adoption in my face? Are they doing it to make me react? Why would they do this? I really don’t understand. J & P have obviously gone on with their lives, why can’t this person. J & P are happy, I am happy, why isn’t this person happy unless they involve me in things I don’t need to be involved in?

Moving on…..

Karen (VI teacher) emailed me Fri. Got more to add to that WONDERFUL IEP! Here. Eli will be transported to and from school. The bus will pick him up right at our front door. Yes-you heard me I don’t have to take him or pick him up from school anymore. This means, I don’t have to wake PooWee up, I don’t have to get dress, and best of all, I don’t have to go out in below zero weather! I’m feeling guilty, I am fully capable of transporting him. But, K told me to think of it as a form of independence for Eli.

PooWee has an ear appt today. It’s his check up from the tube placement. Since the tubes he has had an ear infection. Actually ended us up in the Emergency room one late Friday night with a 14.7 fever that wasn’t going down. So, I still worry about more ear infections.

Andrew’s Lacrosse team has their last game in the semifinals tonight. If they win they will be off to state. It looks like rain out there, I hope it doesn’t. This will be the last game I will be able to make. The state championships are on the weekend. His team is currently rated 3rd in the state. They team has actually only been around for four years too. They have come along way.

Chad has given one of his jobs his two week notice. He’s going to take a short break from working so much, but will be trying to find another one. He really couldn’t stand the job he quite, so he’shappy to be leaving. He’s still goneall the time. Either working, school or by Ella. Truthfully, I kinda miss him. I usually know he was home to shower because of his clothes on the bathroom floor.

He called one night to see if I had any formula they could use for Ella. Here they ran out, it was late and no one really felt like running all the way to the store. I unfortunately did not, but I did offer some frozen breastmilk. He declined and ran off to the store.

I finally got a new camera! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! Got a 12X zoom, and sound on the video! (My last camera didn’t have sound and that bummed me out.) I’ve been taking pictures like crazy. Guess maybe I’m making up for the four months that I was camera-less.

I’ve got a 10 minute video of PooWee playing in his sandbox. He loves watching it. He eventually wonders out of the sandbox and attempts to walk towards the road. I even got him throwing his fit, because I won’t allow him to go. He gets a real confusing look on his face when he watches himself cry and throw himself to the ground.

I wish I could share some of my pictures with you, however…my computer is still not fixed. We are using Andrew’s and he’s pretty stubborn when it comes to downloading onto his computer. I’m begging him everyday though. PPPLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE Andrew!

 

 

Should I Be Surprised?

As many of you know I work at my local hospital. Of course this is also the hospital that my family seeks their medical needs from.

PooWee had his tubes placed today. Friday when I called Patient Registration to get his surgery time I requested him to be a PRIVACY patient. Why? Because of my “lovely” co-workers that will be viewing the OR schedule. Some of them will very much enjoy finding a way to make HUGE rumors about his surgery. AND because it’s MY RIGHT!

For my job I need to print the OR schedule and look it over for any scheduled/potential patients coming to my unit. When I was doing this I came across PooWee’s name! Technically, they usually put Wausau, Male for anyone choosing to be private.

Once again the hospital has ticked me off! Not as an employee this time, BUT as a customer.

My concern was addressed to the House Supervisor, who said, “I’m sorry this has happened. Did you talk to K about this?” and walked away! It’s SUNDAY -YOU CAN’T GET ANYTHING DONE ON A SUNDAY!!! NOT EVEN IN A HOSPITAL!

The following is a copy of an email I sent K - patient advocate

 

 

 

 

 

K- I am upset because I had requested my son to be a privacy patient for his procedure scheduled for Mon 5-5 @ 0830. I did this when I had to call PARC for his arrival and procedure time. They had me call Patient Reg. which I did.

Well, today when I go to print the OR schedule his name is on there. I called Patient Reg again and the girl told me that on their end he is. BUT he may not be at scheduling’s end. Scheduling is not here on Sun. and by the time they come in on Mon. we are already here.

Being a Unit Clerk here I was able to know that my wishes for Privacy status were not granted. I am quite upset. There’s a long story behind wanting him Privacy, but point blank it’s because of people that work here and will be viewing the OR schedule.

 

 

 

It’s TOO late. And I hope I won’t be hearing new rumors or discusions about me and my son. As I told a friend, I could say he had a paper cut and a week later it’ll come back to me that someone told someone he had his arm amputated.

 

It’s very aparent that there is a breakdown in Epic or in the way Privacy Pt is set up. Why didn’t Patient Reg notify ALL departments that needed to know?

 

I’ve had to deal with alot of issues based on my son as an employee. And now as a “customer” I have been denied my right to have his procedure private. Yes, in a way you could say I am furious. I did speak to R House Super. about this on Sunday. She stated she couldn’t do anything and said she was sorry. (WHATEVER! - Where’s our customer service here?) She did ask if I wanted to talk to you about it. Personally, seeing she has access to the scheduling in OR, I feel she should have made me happy and went in and changed his name to Wausau, Male like anybody else when they request to be privacy. (But on a personal note, she didn’t follow hospital policy when I went to her during work with an issue either, so why should she when I am a customer.)

GGRRRR K! I’m mad and “I’m sorry” is NOT good enough! My rights were violated.

 

 

 

- -MSICU Unit Clerk -

 

MOTHER OF I have spoken to K once on the phone today. I’m really curious to see how they are going to deal with this matter with me as a customer. I know how they handle matters as an employee and there THEY SUCK!!

 

 

 

 

Evaluation Time

It’s that time of year again, for our work evaluations. My portfolio was due yesterday. I finished it up last minute… of course. My eval is next Tuesday. I do fairly well. I’ve gotten the top raise (which sucks) for years. This year though, I am nervous about my evaluation.

Each year a group of co-workers is formed, known as the Peer Evaluation Committee. Obviously, they critique each employee on the unit. I got the usual comments on being accurate and knowledgeable at my job. I’m a great resource for the RNs with the computer. I’m a preceptor and I am a member of  hospital committees.

However, on the section of where I need to grow the following statement read. There is a need to leave personal life out of work enviroment. GRRR! I DID NOT BRING MY PERSONAL LIFE TO WORK!!! MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS BROUGHT TO ME AT WORK!!! I took this comment to my supervisor and director. Both told me that IF it was about the adoption it would be taken out of my eval, because it had no right to be in there and the group had no right discussing it. My director said that I need to look at all the positive comments about me and remember that this comment is minor. They suggested I go to the Peer Eval group and ask for a more explained response.

I found out who was all in the group. Many responded back that they were not there when my job was evaluated. From what I can figure out all that were there when they did me, I DON’T EVEN WORK WITH!! They work night shift. I did FINALLY get a response from the head of the committee. It reads as follows…

“The peer evaluation process is to focus on what is best for the patient. The goal is to help every individual be the best they can clinically, and also how they best present themselves to others in helping create a healthy work environment. Strengths and opportunites for growth were identified.”

I fully understand this and agree with it.

I do not have a copy of your evaluation as only you and De and Di have this. The evaluation group did not keep a copy. Therefore, I do not recall the exact wording of the comment you are referring to. If I recall correctly, you felt the comment was too personal. I believe we stated that personal problems should be best left at home. Some of your co-workers were uncomfortable working with you at times because there was a tension evident between you and other co-workers. They felt this affected the way the team was able to function positively in the best interest of the patients. Therefore the potential for growth is to ask yourself if your personal life is affecting your work environment.

 I came to you (head of the commitee) and only asked for further information on the comment. I did not say anything about taking it personal. I have to say, YES my personal life has affected me at work. However, I will stand strong on saying that I DID NOT bring it to work. At the end of this email I will list my reasons to back my belief.

This is not a pesonal attack but an opportunity for self reflection and improvement as this is what your co-workers have observed. All of us have a personal life and a work life and we all need to be able to separate the two. At AWH our focus is on the patient. I hope this clarifies your concerns.”

I understand this, but believe that I am being wrongfully accused. The following may provide you with more insight on how I’ve been treated at work.

 I stand strong when I say I did not bring my personal life to work. I however, will say my personal life was brought to me at work. I have to admit I find it somewhat humorous the we just can’t come straight out and say some of my co-workers can’t stand me. Why? Because I decided to parent my son. That’s the whole issue and we all know it. It has NOTHING to do with my work ethics or my performance. They can’t stand to be around me because I didn’t make a personal decision that they wanted me to. I feel the way these particular people have treated me, has brought my personal life to work and this comment on my Peer Eval only proves it.I come to work to do my job. When I returned I knew there would be difficult people. I came back with a strong set of mind, being proud of my decision and to do my job. I do not treat these people any different than my other co-workers, other than not having “small talk” with them.I have created the following list to support my strong belief that I did not bring my personal life to work.

-Everytime I work with C, I need to record the time I confront her with a phone call, a question that she needs to get back to me with, or a form that she needs to get filled out and returned to me. This takes me away from my work. It holds me up from completing my tasks as a Unit Clerk. Sometimes, holding my work up for hours. It interrupts any task I may be working on at the time. I strongly feel this is not looking out for the best interest of the patient. -I acknowledge them when they speak to me. I won’t let their anger interfere with my duties. I don’t get the same in return.  Often I am unaware if they heard me. If they are having a personal conversation and I need to address them about a work issue, I will often have to wait and then get a rude look for interrupting them. This too is not in the best interest of our patients.

-I once held a door open for one of them. I didn’t necessarily do it because I wanted to, but because she needed me to. I wasn’t returned with a “Thank you” instead I got an evil look.

-I have never been pulled into the office because I have treated them disrespectfully. However, I can not say the same for them.

-I have gone above my job duties and taken personal messages for them when they were not currently working on the unit. These messages were either placed in their mailboxes or transferred to the pager they were on. Whereas, I could have simply said, “I’m sorry they are not working at this time, please call back.”

-There was once an issue with S and another co-worker. I witnessed S being very rude to her husband on the phone. When this co-worker asked me about it I verified it and said I would speak with our supervisor or director to confirm it, if she needed me to. Well, this co-worker approached S and as soon as she said I heard it, S blew up at me. She had no concerns about the initial subject, she now had a reason to throw some nasty words at me. I will admit I should have walked away, however, my initial reaction was to protect myself from her slamming me.

-An email concerning J & P’s twin boys was thrown up on my desk for me to see when I returned from lunch one day. Knowing my relationship with J & P is very emotional for me, I find this to be quite harassing. Here too, I should have tried to brush it off and walk away. Instead, this particular day I had had enough and broke down and cried. I had some great support from other co-workers on the unit.

-There have been numerous of times that I walk past two of them talking and they will blurt out a comment about me, my son, J & P, or the twins they have adopted.

-At times when I go to Starbuck’s I am treated rudely if a certain volunteer is working. She’ll make me stand there for some time and never acknowledge me when getting my order.

-When I go up to Human Resources I get greeted rudely. Instead of saying, “Hello, how can I help you?” I barley get looked at and all that is said is “Yeah?”

-As a Unit Clerk working on an Organ Donation patient, communication between the clerk and the RN is greatly needed. This was very difficult because the RN was not relaying when to do lab draws, what needed to be faxed, nor was she taking the phone calls from the OPO. I had to continually get up from my work to remind her of the calls. I found it best to talk with the OPO on where we stood with all the faxing and lab draws.

-When I came back De (director of ICU) told me straight out I would have to watch my back for these few people. She knew they would be just waiting for me to make an error.She was right, I was questioned (rudely) about the orders I entered. Majority of the time there was no error on my part. However, I am only human and I may have made a mistake. Which I would correct promptly. It is very nerve racking for me to do the orders on their patient’s in fear of having to deal with their anger.

-The above proves true again when I was told by another, “I swear S just watches you. Everytime you step out she yells, “Now where is Rhonda?” Whether I step out to go to another unit, to go to the breakroom or the bathroom. I guess she especially gets upset when I go to pump.

-Other co-workers warned me that these people were going to try their best to get me out of the unit. This only gave me more strength to stay. I came back with the attitude, “kill them with kindness” which was recommended to me by my counsellor.

- There is a particular RT (Respiratory Therapist) that is related to P that is also out to “get me”. I was once contacted by her supervisor for not giving her an order, according to her. Well, fortunately for me the patient’s RN saw me take the chart to her, hand her a sticky note about the order and saw the order placed in the computer. I did three separate things with this order to protect myself from her “getting me”. I would have only had to place the order in the computer. It’s time consuming for me to continually “protect” my work.

-One Saturday my sitter called, she came down with the stomach flu and I needed to get the boys. I told the shift leader (of course being one of these particular people) that I would make some phone calls, but may need to get my boys and take them else where. She went off on me to find a replacement, to call people at home and other units. I told her I just need to wait for someone to call me back. She continually yelled at me to find someone to cover for me. there was NO reason to find coverage, I was there WORKING. In the end nothing needed to be done as my mom went and got my boys and took them to my substitute sitter’s home. However, her attitude towards me was mean and this was witnessed by those around me.

-Someone on the unit likes giving my son gifts. She’s very proud of me for choosing to parent. However, she has asked not to let others know that she gives them to me in fear of being treated the way I do by these people. This somewhat bothers me, yet I wouldn’t wish this treatment on anyone, so I do understand her request.

-I have taken many issues to De (director) and Di (supervisor) but in the end I feel like a big tattle tail. It gets tiring going in about the same things over and over again. And it appeared to me that nothing was happening anyways, so why continue?

Actually, one time S straight out lied in the office. Di found this out minutes after the meeting. De was informed the following day by me. What happened? Please look up the policy for directly lieing to your superior.

Another time the Hospital House Supervisor was involved. Policy would be for her to write up the incident and De should have gotten this report. House Super did nothing.

I’d like to know why the hospital isn’t following thier own policies to protect me from this sort of treatment. My theory, these disrespectful employees have been there for years and years, their jobs are higher rank then mine so… I’m just out of luck.

Unfortunately my list could go on. I feel you may get my point from what I have given you.

Yes, after three 12 hour shifts with these people, I can become emotionally run down. There’s nothing more I want to do than to run home and hold my son in my arms and cry. My son is one of three greatest gifts I have and being able to hold him gives me the strength to face these people.

If only one of these people are working, I find they are not bad. However, put two or more together and I am in for a bad weekend.

I stay here only because I will show how proud of my decision to parent my son. I’m so thankful I came to the realization I could do it, before it was too late. I will not let these people drive me out of my job. I feel I am good at my job and will only work to try and improve myself at it.

I was asked by De to have some witnesses talk with her. I do not like the idea of getting others involved. Two of them told me they would not like to say anything, in fear of being treated harshly by S. S is very harsh, we all know there have been plenty conflicts with her attitude and other employees. I do not wish to put anyone under the same position I am in.

To be honest, I have been told by different sources to seek further action. It is believed I am working under a harassing and hostile work environment. I’m not out to get anyone though. I just want to come to work, do my job and go home to my boys. Besides, it would do no good. It would not get these people to understand that I did nothing wrong. I made a decision that I had 100% right to do. It would not change their prospective of my story.

In ending my reply, I’d like to ask the Peer Evaluation Commitee a few more questions. A reply back is not needed as I know the answer is none of my business. On these particular co-workers evaluation did you comment on leaving other co-workers personal lives out of work? Did you ask them to improve their customer service to internal co-workers? Did you tell them you felt it was hard to work with them as a team because of the tension with me?

On a more personal note, I once had a conversation with De about how my co-workers shun my son and how it hurts. Any other mother can bring their child on to the unit and the child gets uh’d and ah’d upon. But my son, many simple pretend I’m not there. Yes, even those that treat me with respect at work. De said it was probably because these co-workers don’t know how to react. I’d like to mention, that he’s a baby…you make silly noises and faces and he’ll think you are the greatest thing in the world. Just because I didn’t relinquish him for adoption doesn’t mean he’s not like any other kid. Or how about all new mothers getting a potluck. Why wasn’t my son celebrated as the rest? It would have been nice to have those that didn’t judge my decision to join together for a lunch.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the adoption. All I can do is grow and learn from it. I just wish others would do the same.

Well, there you have it!

I’m thinking my evaluation may just be focused on this particular area… or not at all. I’m not too sure how my director and supervisor will react to me confronting the fact that nothing has been done about these people. Especially the part where I say I could seek further action.

Part of me wishes I could “discipline” them. I would tell them they need to turn in an indepth report on adoption. I would like to see them interview prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, expectant mothers considering adoption, birth/firstmothers, mothers that in the end like me decided to change their mind and adoptees. I just want these ignorant people to learn and grow too. I’m sure it would do no good, but at least it I would have tried.

I Will Stand Up For Myself

I have decided to start standing up for myself at work. I will turn and look the person directly in the eyes and say, “We need to talk!” I think it may be best to do it in my supervisors or directors office, then there will be a mediator.

When I pass two people talking and one loudly makes a comment, “At-least THIS mother did the right thing!” (They do this, on purpose to eat at me.) I will turn to that person, tell her we need to talk and go to the appropriate office.

Now, when I’m in the office will I give this person my heart? Will I tell her of my pain and how I had to do what a I did? I would like not to. I don’t think they are deserving of my heart. I would like to hand them a copy of the Legal Risk Placement J & P signed. I will inform them that J & P KNEW EXACTLY what could happen. They as adoptive parents agreed to take that risk. I should NOT continually be slammed because I did something I had EVERY RIGHT to do.

I will tell them very sternly that they need to move on. J & P have moved on and got what they wanted, children. It’s time for them to move on as well.

Before I went back to work I had an email I wanted to sent to all my co-workers. It quickly went through my feelings and told them to take their words of anger towards me and turn them into words of compassion for J. My director asked me not to send it because it was a personal issue that should NOT be talked about at work. She explained to me that I didn’t need to explain my actions to anyone. I agreed.

However, I now want the chance to be able to STAND UP for myself. I want these people to listen to me. I’ve had to listen to their comments for months now and I think I should have the opportunity to try and have them listen to me. Sure, all may go in one ear and out the other, but it sure would feel good for me.

I dream that I could have them all in one room at once. Hand them some information, maybe have Maggie there for support and give them an adoption education course. I’d love to look the ones that I was pretty close to in the eyes and as them “Why didn’t you call me to see how I was doing?”  I’d like to run through how I think things should have been different. I’d like to inform them what I have learnt. I want them to know that I am trying to find a way to help others, so this doesn’t happen to them.

I’ve come to realize that J & P’s adoption DOES give me pain. It hurts me that I can’t give J a hug and tell her how happy I am  for her. We were very good friends. We were friends before I was even pregnant. We had alot of fun times together and it DOES hurt that I lost her as a friend. She had shared much of her infertility pain with me, and I often tried to give her words of encouragement. Like so many I wanted to give her a child. I was just unable to, I thought I could, I thought it was just going to be “easy” to hand him over and go on with my life. I focused on my baby being hers, for her, but it slapped me in the face. I AM SORRY FOR THE PAIN I GAVE HER!

I will admit my jealousy over how they seemed to be more prepared for these boys. But, I guess that was a good thing, had PooWee’s nursery been finished, it may have been even harder for them.

I need to call my director today. I need to tell her that I will not tolerate being harassed about this anymore. I hope she will be in agreement with me standing up for myself. I’m scared, and I hope I get the courage to make this phone call soon.

Thank God it’s Monday

Didn’t sleep well last night. Not surprised. Oh well, gotta get to the day anyways.

Not too much cleaning to do, Andrew did alot yesterday. WOW, what a great kid! I think he did all that he did because he was SUPPOSE to do the dishes and he hates doing dishes. In my house, if you say a naughty word, you have to do the dishes. “Dirty mouth does dirty dishes” Andrew said a naughty word on Sat. night! Normally, I do dishes and the boys put them away. Guess, seeing he cleaned up more, I’ll let him slide this time.

My cars back at the garage. The beast costed me $300 on Thursday. They changed one of my front wheel barrings. Well, they didn’t fix the problem! I called them back on Fri and here’s our conversation

Mechanic-”You mean it’s still making noise?”

Me-”What noise? It was never making noise.”

Mech-”Well, that’s why you brought it in.”

me-”NO! I brought it in because it wouldn’t go over 10mph.”

Mech.- “You’re telling me with as bad as your wheel barring was you had no noise?”

Me-”I had no noise!”

Mech.-”What do you mean it won’t go over 10mph?”

Me-”It won’t go over 10mph. No matter how much you push on the gas. It’s like it’s in neutral almost.”

Mech.-”Well, that has nothing to do with your wheel bairrings. That’s the trany system.”

Me”-Well, that’s why I brought it in!”

Mech-”You’r telling me you had no noise with as bad of a wheel bairring that you had?’

Me-”I HAD NO NOISE!”

Mech.-”Bring it in on Mon. morning and I’ll take a look at it.”

Yeah- it was a fun conversation. My brother Larry says I should be reimbursed for the wheel bairring. Guess, I’ll wait and see what is up and how much they are going to charge me before I turn into a witch. If that happens, then I’ll give them some “NOISE!”

Elijah’s got gymnastics tonight at 5 to 6. Then it’s PTO meeting at 6:30. Andrew has to work from 6 to 9. HHMMM-if my cars not fixed and I’m using Mom’s, is there anyone out there that can give Andrew a ride to work? What I may have to do is drop Eli off at gymnastics and then take Andrew to work, then go back to gymnastics. Eli will be upset, he likes me to stay and watch. But, well, watcha gonna do? He’ll just have to except it. Hopefully, my car will be done and G-ma Marcy can take Andrew to work.

I wish yesterday didn’t happen. I wish I just left the email lay and pretended I never saw. I fell into their game. I shouldn’t have made all the phone calls and now I don’t feel like taking it to Human Development. I just don’t want to deal with it all. I don’t want to have to explain the whole thing to someone else that doesn’t know about it. Sounds draining. Sounds like work. No one has called me yet and I haven’t made any calls of course. Truthfully I don’t even know who to talk to. K told me to get a lawyer. Yeah- I’ll pull that money out my….

Well, time for PooWee’s nap. Plus, I must work like crazy on his sweater, it’s really getting cold outside!

Will It Ever End?

While I was pregnant with PooWee and planning on the adoption, many of my co-workers were so supportive. I recall many reassuring me that “things happen for a reason” and they felt J was the reason for my pregnancy. Does God place a baby into another woman’s body at the wrong time in her life, for another woman? I don’t believe so.

I would LOVE to wear a sign on my back that says, “EVERYTHING happens for a REASON”. It would feel so nice to take their words I heard a year ago and say them back to them.

YES, I TOOK MY SON BACK!! YES, I CHANGED MY MIND!!! I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO DO WHAT I DID! AND GUESS WHAT—J & P KNEW AND SIGNED A FORM SAYING THEY KNEW I COULD TAKE MY SON BACK!!! PEOPLE GET OVER IT!!!

 I want these people to become educated on adoption. I want them to learn what I have. I want them to realize adoption isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be all the time. I would like to see them read the stories from each member of the triad as I have. I’d like to see them learn what needs to be fixed, and what is working. THEY ARE CLUELESS, they feel MY SON was J & Ps and that’s that. They see the pain I gave J & P, but they don’t have any clue as to how the process goes. They have no clue of where I sat 1 year ago and how the second I saw my son all my anger, and fear of this child left me and all I knew of was LOVE. They never walked in my shoes, they never had too, which is good. But, don’t judge  me then. YES I have pain, YES I HATE how things went while I was pregnant and when he was with them, but I can’t change that now. I can only hope to change things for future expectant mothers.

Can you tell I had another WONDERFUL weekend? Actually, all was well until after lunch today. Please allow me to vent….

So….I come back from lunch and I’m doing my work. I go to put a chart in the chart rack and here sits an email someone had printed off. It wasn’t there earlier. The top part of the email is cut off, because it shows who printed it off. It’s an email from J & P to a bundle of people. Basically, saying Thank you, and that they are glad to have the twins home.

There was intent with this email being placed in my work area. I was working with some friends today who have really helped me survive work. They too feel this email was intentionally set out to get my attention. At first I was ONCE AGAIN just going to blow it off, but DAMN IT–ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! We know who did it, there was only one person there that would have, S. K said I need to go to Human Development and tell them straight out that the harassment MUST come to an end! She said my director and supervisor are doing nothing and it shouldn’t be tolerated. L agreed and also tried encouraging me to do it.

K did talk me into calling my director at home. Which I did, but, got the answering machine. So, I call my supervisor. Answering machine too. However, she called back, not to me but to the House Supervisor, R. and had her come check out what was going on.

I had to run through almost 9 months of comments, notes, glares, and rumors with her. I ended up bawling my eyes out, telling her I can’t take it anymore. She asked me if I was just too sensitive about it. SENSITIVE?? I thought about that for a moment. My adoption situation is sensitive to me - YES! J & P’s new adoption - no. I am happy for them. I am happy the are not adopting with an open adoption, ONLY because I don’t think they would stick to any promises they would have made to a mother that had them adopt her child. My heart was hurt when I heard about how well they were preparing for these boys and weren’t that prepared for my son. Why that bothered me, I’m not too sure. I asked two people, if I would knit something for the twins if they would put their names on the gifts and give them to J & P. I understand why these two people declined. But, come on! Don’t ya think these two boys NEED dragon hats? :) 

R really listened. I really went off. She hugged me and I cried. I think I taught her alot about adoption, I don’t think she’ll look at it the same way. She told me I could leave work if I had to. I so wanted to. I couldn’t lose the money though and I need to save my vacation time. She came back to check on me, which was nice.

I guess I have to face my director and supervisor tomorrow. They’ll probably call to arrange a meeting. I’m sure they’ll have S there too. My first week back I had S in the office for yelling about me across the unit. She sat in that office and LIED! I had witnesses that proved she LIED and NOTHING happened. Well, not NOTHING, I got a lecture on how S gets a bad rap and her name gets attached to alot of rumors. WHATEVER!!!!!

I was told by my director and supervisor to inform them of any and all situations that would come up. I did..in the beginning and then I start to realize, nothing was being done. So, I just decided I had to hold my head high, and just take it. I started to think they would get sick of me being a “tattle tail” and I would be asked to change departments. I DON’T want to change, I don’t like the type of work the other units do, I love the intensive care unit. I know they won’t have an experienced ICU nurse change departments…it’ll be me. I fear that now, tonight. I have the feeling I will be moved. I would love to say BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Here’s my two week notice! NO WAIT- lets make that… find someone else to work NOW!

Though, the unit would be screwed abit if I did short notice. I do all the supply ordering. The person that was my sub, just quit. Nobody else has been trained by me yet. I update all our phone lists and important information on the shift leader board. I’ve made new forms for the unit. I have alot of side jobs that are important for the unit to run. The unit would hurt till someone else picked it up. The other clerk there now, won’t. But, still I know  in the long run I will be the one “punished” for their childish behavior.

So, are you guys sick of hearing me whine about work yet?  I’m so sick of it. I know everyone is wondering why the h - e - double hockey sticks - I am still there. It’s called, almost $1000 more a month. It’s too much to walk away from. I don’t necessarily NEED it, but my boys do. They need to be able to feel that I have things under control. They need to know that I will do whatever it takes to provide for them the best I can. I’m the one getting hurt by working here. If I left THEY would be the ones hurt. I don’t like that thought!

Another night, going to bed, dreaming of the day I can don’t have to go back.

And just because I’m so proud of having PooWee. And his brothers are so proud to have him, I will show them off with a couple of pics once again!

    

Up too Late!

Can you smell the lasagna cooking? MMMMM!!!

Seeing it’s Fri. and I’m a working gal for the weekend, I should be in bed. However, Andrew is home this weekend, he was suppose to be by his Dad’s but they did a switch without my knowledge. Anyways- gotta have some food for him or he’ll live off of microwave popcorn. So, I’m making some lasagna. And it’s smelling GOOD!

My last two posts have been drainers on me. I thank all of you for your encouraging/supportive words once again. The really do mean alot and help me with my own healing.

All day yesterday I wanted to jump back on the computer and add to my post. However, with no school I would have had to wrestle Andrew to the ground. And well, I’m not too sure I would have won. Andrew has been kicking my butt when we wrestle. But, I still can get his tickle spots! No matter how old they are - a mom knows the tickle spots!

What I wanted to add was a positive note. I wanted to thank those that have not judged my decision.

Laura-For crying with me after the Quality Council meeting. It was my first time back in the building and I was so nervous. You’ve been there for me at work and I really appreciate it.

Barb-Thank you again, for all the lil outfits, the softest blankie in the world and the shoes. PooWee still needs to grow into the shoes, but we keep trying them on now and then.

Louise- AUNTIE WEEZER!-Thank you for the book and Teddy Bear. And for all the hugs. - Louise has admitted to me that she didn’t think I could go through with it. She says she looks at a picture I gave her of PooWee and I all the time and is just so happy for me. WE LOVE YA WEEZE!

Marcia-Thank you for the homemade extra large receiving blankets, all the clothes and bath supplies. Marcia trained me at my job, she’s probably the longest friend I have from work. She admitted she was upset at first, because of the 2 week. She said it would have been different if I didn’t leave him there for two weeks. Once we talked and I explained things, she understood. If I could change that - obviously, I would. I;m glad she was honest with me and talked to me and not behind my back.

Peg-Yes-Peg was the one person that told me I was a good mom and could raise PooWee all along. What did I do…I avoided her, ignored her and told myself she didn’t understand. Peg has earned the right to tell me, “I told you so” as many times as she wants. Peg told another co-worker off in defense of me. This co-worker was having a fit because I am a single parent and I took PooWee away from a two parent family. Peg straighten her out by, saying Andrew and Elijah are doing great and I’ve raised them all by myself. She said her son has been raised by a herself and her husband and they are having problems with him. I will always appreciate this, she didn’t need to use her situation to defend me. And  I will always love her for that. THANKS TONS PEG!

Kelly-For being the first to talk to me on my first day back. You saw my hands were just shaking and you eased my fear. And well, of course now that your son is born and only 4 months younger than PooWee, we have LOTS to talk about. AND I’LL FINISH THAT SWEATER SOON!! I PROMISE!! (The one with the wrong zipper! I have yet to take it off!)

Tara-I really enjoy working with you. I’m so proud you have grown some “balls” and have learnt to stand up for yourself on the unit. Only allow people to treat you with respect.

And of course there Ann -AUNTIE ANNABANANA-For just being there. For always listening to me. And for visiting us. PooWee recognizes your name when we say it and just smiles. All though who wouldn’t laugh at someone named AUNTIE ANNABANANA!! We love ya!

This weekend at work won’t be too bad at all. Ann is working! I glad, I can’t handle another weekend like last. But, unfortunately I’m sure there will be more. As long as I can vent here, I shall make it through!

Well, lasagna is done and very tasty (snuck a piece, well actually two) and I MUST get off to bed.

Welcome newcomers to “my life” and Thank you again EVERYONE. (((BIG HUGS )))

P.S.-Maris, I will get some info for you. As for now, maybe my Dear Mag post will help abit. and I’ll try to get some advice from others I have encountered too.

PPS-LIBBY!-I actually started my “internet adoption journey” looking for someone that changed their mind too. Never did find anyone. How awesome you found me! Congrats on parenting you daughter! Glad ya came!

Please Don’t Shun My PooWee Anymore

I am as proud of a mommy as any other mommy. So, tell me why some people choose to  turn their head when I talk about PooWee?

Being a single mother, my life has basically consisted of work and home. That being most my social encounters are at work, which also means most my friends are at work.

While I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with compliments for what I was doing for J. You all have heard the comments…How selfless of you, what a wonderful gift you are giving, this is going to be such a neat thing, and I even got the it’s a win-win situation.

When PooWee was born-not ONE - NOT ONE of my so called friends came to see me. Now, I remind you I work in a hospital, the same hospital I gave birth in. The birthing unit is just a short walk away from the unit I work in. Why didn’t any one come to see how I was doing? Some have said they heard the room was so full of J & P’s family, but it still hurts.

I was home….no body, but my friend Ann called or stopped over to see how I was coping. Ann was there, but didn’t understand. I tried once to talk to her about bring PooWee home and I heard her say the word “but..” and I quit talking to her about it.

I broke down and called my friend Amy, she wasn’t home. She then returned my call from work, and all I remember is her trying to talk me out of parenting and reminding me of the pain I would give J & P and then she had to go. She never did return that call. I’ve only worked with her like twice since and haven’t really spoken to her. She never asked about PooWee. Her and I were pretty good friends too. It hurts, but to be honest, I’d rather have PooWee than our friendship.

There are times I need to run into work and take PooWee in with me. Some come to greet him and he gets his chance to flirt. While others turn away. Even co-workers that talk with me will turn away from PooWee. These people will greet any other child that comes onto the unit.

We all talk about our kids like they are the greatest lil things on earth. I’m no different. I can talk about Andrew and Elijah all I want, but if PooWee is mentioned some will walk away.

Our lockers are decorated with pictures of our families. At first I didn’t place a picture of PooWee up. Elijah noticed this and mentioned I should. I knew I should, but feared the reaction of others. I spoke with Mag and my director about it. Both told me there was no reason I had to treat PooWee any different than my other boys. And if I showed off my other boys I had every right to show off PooWee. So, I did. I placed his 3months picture on my locker. Yes, there were comments, but by now I was use to them.

Recently I updated my photos. I have Andrew and Elijah’s new school pictures and PooWee’s 9 month picture up. I was told the latest comment was, “Does she have to constantly shove him in our faces?” I’m a mom just-YES I will show off my kids, and if they think it’s shoving them in their faces-so be it!

I get hurt whenever the unit has a potluck in celebration of someone who had a baby. I was never given a potluck. I don’t know why it hurts me, guess I just want to be treated like everyone else. I want to celebrate PooWee as much as anyother new mom.

I try to tell myself it’s just ignorance. These people don’t anything about adoption. I wish I could take a copy of the Legal Risk Placement J & P signed and post it all over the unit. I feel alot of them see him as J’s son that was taken away from her. Where as he was always my son, and I just couldn’t live without him.

I’m hoping my days at work are limited. I am looking at different jobs, maybe even going back to school. I can’t wait for the day I walk into my directors office and give her my notice. Right now, I think that’s my biggest goal. I want out of this place more than anything.

I know PooWee doesn’t notice that he is being shunned, but I do. I hurt for him. He rocks. I like to look at it as it’s their lose not his. One supportive person suggested that these people just don’t knowhow to react tohim. (??????)-He’s a baby! You make silly face and silly noises! Whatever-I just continue to hold my head high. It use to be easier to just blow it all off, but I find it’s all wearing me down.

Thank goodness I only have to be there 3 days a week!

                                   

Just Drained

I have to find a new job! I just can’t take this anymore! But I can’t! I won’t make the money I make here. I like working 3 days having four off and I know what my schedule will be all the time.

I know it’s not all about the money. I know I shouldn’t stay because I make more here, but I need to provide for my boys.

Funny - just the other day Jenna wrote about revisiting places, I commented and she returned with how strong I was.  Well, I went back just now and re-commented-I’m not that strong anymore! I can’t do this anymore. I need out!

I wish I could work from home. I don’t care if I would have to stay up all night to do it either. I wouldn’t need the daycare assistance either then. Been thinking about Medical Transcriptionist. With the diploma I have, Health Unit Coordinator I believe there is only a few additional classes. However, it’s been 7 years since I was in school, so how much would I need to re-take. And I’m told you have to have a few years experience before you can even work from home. I don’t know what to do. I really just wanna be at home, I’d do anything!

I would also like to just pack up and move away. Not necessarily to run away from all this, but even just to start over someplace new. A WARM climate destination sounds AWESOME to me!!! As long as my mom would come with! I could never leave her. I can’t leave anyways! Andrew needs to finish school here with his friends. I know he wouldn’t want to move and I’m not gonna  move without him! But, dreaming of it sure feels nice!

So well, yeah- I left work early. Just had to get out of there. Got Elijah and PooWees and just hugged them both crazily. PooWee and I laid down when I got home and I just cried holding him. He’s so special. I didn’t wanna let go of him, but he got too interested in the kitties, so I had to let him venture off to play.

Why do I let these people get to me? Why can’t I stay strong?

I don’t wanna be here!!!!

Well, I’m at work and TOTALLY hating it! This weekend is “the weekend” I have to put up with two people that truly hate me for keeping PooWee. It is so stressful. Even my director and supervisor have told me I will need to watch my back because they are watching for me to screw up. I can’t tolerate it and by the time Sunday comes I am just emotionally drained. Not to mention today I wokeup with a horrible headache.

This weekend J & P are in Russia (hopefully) bring the twins home. I know I vented in the past about this, but I am really happy for them. However, there is so much going on right now here at work about it, it’s crazy. You would never think I work with adults. As I walk past these people that don’t like me I’ll get comments like…well, NOW she’ll have her boys!…Double the pleasure….two are better than one….atleast these boys are worth it…etc. I just really want to cry,scream, yell, TELL THEM OFF!!!! I just keep walking and pretend I don’t hear.

J & P are coming home tonight and C (J’s best friend and one of them from above) is planning a huge surprise at their home. I would like to tell her what I think. These boys are going to be SCARED-EVERYTHING is new, total new enviroment, people…EVERYTHING is out of their norm! For crum sakes, don’t freak them out more than they already will be! Things need to go slowly, let them meet people in a calm, quiet, few people at a time situation. I’m already feeling so sorry for these boys. THeir about 17 months and could you imagine their reaction to all these unknown faces staring at them and oooohhhh and aaaahhhhing. OH BUT THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN FOR J & P!!! They will be so surprised! C is soooo excited! Can someone come and knock some sense into her.

Well, I actually just took a break to “pump” so, better get my butt back to work! Sorry for any typos-no time to “edit” I just REALLY needed to vent! Thanks for listening!