One Year!

I stayed up way too late last night playing on the computer. My head is killing me this morning because of it. I feel like I have a hang over, but I didn’t even have a drop of alcohol.

While scooping out the blog some, reading old posts and all I realized I’ve been blogging for ONE YEAR! I was kind of excited. (YEAH, it doesn’t take much.)

I was super excited too because there is another mommy that same on the forum and announced her daughter was in foster care for the past week, she has an adoption plan, but since the moment her daughter was born she fell total in love with her. All of a sudden all of her reasons for the adoption didn’t matter anymore, she wanted to parent her daughter. (Don’t I know that one.)

Of course I replied screaming, GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER!!! I also PMed her and she replied back that she was going to talk with her councellor today and was 100% sure she would be getting her daughter. YAY!! I hope she lets us know how it went.

Elijah called me at work on Saturday from camp. He is having so much fun, however there was a sadness in his voice. There were people in the background so he was also speaking very softly, he doesn’t like others listening to him talk on the phone.

He’s been busy with craft projects. I guess he made a really big castle out of cardboard and is worried he won’t get it home. Anybody got a truck I can borrow? I told him I would leave the stroller at home so maybe there will be enough room in the trunk. He been playing a lot of chess, but is frustrated because he hasn’t won any games. They have have gone bowling and he won 2 games. He’s learning how to cook and said he’s going to make us some almond pudding and gingerbread cookies when he gets home. MMMMMM!

He expressed how badly he was dieing for a soda, but didn’t have 50 cents. I reminded him of the 10 dollar bill in his sunglasses case. He said he knew, but nobody had change. I asked him if he asked one of the adult. “NO! Why would I ask THEM?” was his reply. I had to laugh, guess he figures adults NEVER have any money. He went to the Renaissance Fair on Sunday, so now he has change.

Yeah-he called on Sunday too. This time he had an opportunity where nobody was around and he confessed, “I want to come home!” My heart broke, I want to just hop in the car and go get him, but I knew that he would have fun this week and he could hold out. We talked about all the fun he was having. His attitude got a bit negative, everything was “stupid and boring”. YEAH RIGHT! When he had to get off the phone I promised to call him Monday night.

Talked with him last night and he is fine. Yes, he’s homesick, but he had another fun day and was happy he stayed. He stated it was getting hard to wait to see me and PooWee though. He’s just so excited to see us he can’t wait much longer. He also had his first soda and said it was, “GOOOOOOOD!!”

I have strict orders to call him again tonight at 6:30. I sure do miss him! PooWee and I are trying to keep busy. Last Thurs. evening I didn’t know what to do, so PooWee and I headed to Elijah’s soccer game that he is missing. The coach had to chuckle at me for showing up and my son wasn’t even there. Hey! I’m BORED, and PooWee loved watching the kids play.

I got back downtown yesterday morning to finish shooting the rest of the chalk drawings. I was excited it didn’t rain. I wanted really bad to get a better shot of PooWee on Aaron’s work too. We got down there and the drawings were washed out! I was so disappointed. Mom and I debated back and forth if it did rain, she thought some kids may have gone down there and destroyed them, or that possible the morning dew had washed them out. Then a lady answered our question. Here someone forgot to shut of the timer for the sprinkling system. Yep-someone got in trouble at work yesterday! It’s a real bummer too, because so many people come down to look at them. Betcha this won’t happen again.

Aaron is coming over tomorrow to hang with PooWee and I. It’s been awhile since he’s come over during the week. Usually he picks him up from the sitters on Sundays for a few hours. I guess he has off and seeing he was doing the chalkfest this past Sunday he didn’t get PooWee. I’m thinking I’m going to take advantage of Aaron being here and take a shower when he’s here. WOW! I’m excited, I will get a shower without a lil guy pulling open the curtain and throwing toys in by me! YAY!

Bruce is growing…well…like a weed. I have to laugh, I just can’t pull him out. Bruce has become apart of our family. PooWee truly is proud of him. He walks up to Bruce and says, “WOW” and give him a kiss.

Today I have to do laundry, clean up the apartment and wash PooWee’s pool. I was lazy and never ran to get a tarp to cover the pool and there lots of debry and bugs that found their way in. So we drained it last night and today we will wipe it out and put new water in. Yes, I bought a tarp yesterday.

Andrew’s dad ended up in the hospital yesterday. I took him up there for awhile. Mike was in super bad pain, I believe he had a bowel obstruction. They were waiting to see they results of the CT Scan were and if he would need surgery or not. Of course I had to make sure he had a good doctor and care. His doc is top of the line awesome, so he had my approval to continue on with him. Right after we left Mike got rushed off to surgery. I called Andrew at 11 last night he hadn’t heard anything yet. This morning I got Andrew out of bed at 10:30 and he didn’t know anything yet. I told him to get up and find out! Still hasn’t called back.

Well, I guess I better get going on my chores for the day or they will never get done!

Happy day to all!!

YAY PooWee’s Daddy!!!

PooWee’s Daddy won!!!! YAY!!! We are so excited for him!!

 

PooWee’s Daddy, Aaron won the Artist Choice Award at the Chalkfest this weekend! He is super excited and we are equally excited for him.

Note: Aaron has done the Chalkfest since it started. (not sure how long it’s been going on.) He doesn’t go into it with any planned drawing. He sits down starts drawing and well…here is what he came up with. The picture isn’t the greatest, but there are hidden items, lots of eyes lead to faces or a guitar. Aaron alson got quoted in todays paper, before he knew he won. His quote, “I like people to just stare at my work” and that’s what you need to do to get the real feel of his artwork.

Elijah has been upset that he couldn’t draw in the Chalkfest this year because he is at WCBVI. So he asked me to go and take a picture of every single chalk drawing. So, after work tonight we headed down to check out the artwork. 

I decided taking a video would be better. As I started taping and Grandma strolled with PooWee we run into Amy. Amy is a awesome teacher from the boys’ old daycare. I chatted with her for quite awhile. Then it was off taping again. I was sure not to miss any. Believe me he would find out if I did.

Almost half way through, Grandma and PooWee ran into his babysitter, Brenda. Of course PooWee persuaded Brenda to lift him out of the stroller. (BAD NEWS!!) PooWee started showing off to everyone, doing his little “PooWee dance”, but then he thought it would be cool to dance on the artwork. Oh NO!

It was close to 9:00 already, he was tired and now he wasn’t listening and staying off the artwork, so I decide it was time to go and I would finish getting the rest of the artwork for Elijah tomorrow. We quickly found Aaron’s work to check it out.

PooWee was a bear, so we really just had to get him out of there. Well, PooWee wasn’t having that, he threw a fit! I’m sure the whole downtown could hear him as I was carrying him back to the car. I get to the car and my phone rings. Here it’s Aaron. He asked what I was doing and I told him where we were. He asked me to do him a favor…put PooWee in the center of his artwork and take a picture! (AARON! Do you hear the fit he is throwing! This fit is because I won’t LET HIM GO ON THE ARTWORK!) I just chuckled at Aaron and told him I would. I told him why I had to laugh though.  He said, “He can go on my work anytime! I have to have a picture with him in it. He got to sit in the middle and be like…YEAH THIS IS MY DAD’S!” Aaron was super proud, he should be.

So, back to the picture we go.  PooWee was in seventh heaven! A couple took the picture for me as I tried to get PooWee to sit nice in the middle. Finally he relized these strange people we taking his picture and he looked at them. He even did the “PooWee dance” on it!

I am crossing my fingers that it doesn’t rain tonight. I only got about half way through. Elijah will be so upset if I don’t get the rest, but he will understand. Andrew is going to come help me with PooWee tomorrow so I can finish up.

 

The Look

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

H.A. Giles, Chuang Tse

 

I love dreams. Falling asleep and entering a whole new world. Some dreams can feel so real, others I hardly remember.

I use to be more “into” my dreams. I kept a dream journal. I read book after book. I’d like to get back into writing a dream journal. My dreams were often answering my questions. Though at that moment I hadn’t realized it.

One dream put me into the future.

My ex-husband (OH how I love saying EX!) and I had decided to get tattoos. He drew up an ying yang sun, which we place two inches below the bellybutton (center point of the body). I laid on the table and realized I had been in this place before. The blue walls with all the pictures to the beads hanging from a doorway.

As soon as I got home, I read through my dream journal. I found it, I was at this place before. At the time of this dream, my ex was in northern California and I was in Wisconsin dealing with all the legal stuff to move Andrew out of Wisconsin. Our marriage was not good, but we thought a new place would give us a new beginning and perhaps make us live “happily ever-after”.

At the time I hadn’t heard from *** for weeks and I had no way of contacting him. Before going to sleep I had written a question for my dream to answer. “Will I ever see *** again?” My narrative of my dream spoke of a room with blue walls, beads hanging in a doorway, a dentist looking chair, a padded table and may different items scattered throughout. This was my first encounter with the tattoo parlor.

Elijah also kept a dream journal. Though it may be more appropriate to call his a nightmare journal. He suffered horrible nightmares due to the above mentioned EX tell him that he would be killed at night in his sleep. At 4 years old Elijah was terrified of sleep.

When he would have a nightmare he would tell me about it. I wrote it all down just as he explained it. He would then draw a picture of his nightmare. One particular nightmare I recall his father was trying to put “stuff” in Eli’s eyes so he couldn’t see. Elijah hid behind a chair, but his father found him. Eli stated his eyes were burning and all he could see was a red fire. I think of this nightmare often, when I think of Elijah’s visual impairment. I don’t know if they are connected, but I often wonder…

Last night I awoke from my dream. My dream had clarified a puzzling situation for me. This situation has haunted me for over a year. Today, I feel my initial instinct on this moment was correct and I hope to put it all at ease.

It was Christmas Eve 2006, I had gotten PooWee from J and P’s. It was to be my “decision day” on whether I would parent him or give him to J and P to parent. As many of you know, he nursed, so I knew he would be coming home soon.

J and P were at my place picking PooWee up to go to their family gathering that evening. They had brought us all presents Eli was your typical kid tearing into his packages. I began showing them the stocking I was knitting for PooWee along with a sweater. Both incomplete, but were to be his Christmas present.

And there it was the look on J’s face. She gave P this look that until last night I could not figure out. She didn’t comment on the knitted gifts, she just looked at P. It’s a hard look for me to describe, I didn’t understand it. Which is why it has haunted me ever since.

In my dream, this Christmas Eve night was played out exactly as it happened, except I not only saw J’s look, I heard her thoughts.

“She’s not going to see him anymore to give him that!”

I awoke instantly. THAT B*TCH!!! I knew it! I knew she was going to cut me out of my son’s life.

At this moment I was so warmed by PooWee’s presence laying next to me my bed. I rolled over held him in my arms, kissed him on his head and told him I loved him. I felt so much happiness as I fell asleep with my son curled up next to me in my arms.

I’m Honored!

Look what Coco gave me! Thanks Coco!

As I think of who to pass this gift on to I can’t help but return it to Coco. Coco has been such a huge support for me as I have struggled through my emotions this past year. Not only does she help so many of us out in blogland, but she makes a difference out in the “real” world too! (I know! Isn’t blogland, the REAL world?!) I’d like to extend an EXTRA BIG THANK YOU to Coco for her letter to April. I think of this letter often. How hard it must have been for her, but she did it to help someone else, someone she simple heard about.

Which brings me to my next person, Paragraphein. She too, spoke to April about her experience. This just must have been so hard, but she did it, as Coco did…to help another. Her blog continues to amaze me.

I know Coco and Paragraphein have already receive this gift, however they are just so wonderful they deserve it twice.

I can’t forget Sandra, who also dug into her past to help April. Sandra parented at a young age. She told April her story, which also must have been hard. There were hardships for her and she put it right out there for all of us to read. (Sandra has posted in quite some time, I hope all is well in her life.)

I truly thank all three of these ladies, for helping me, with helping April.

HeatherS-my fav amommy! She just rocks. I am amazed with her heart towards her children’s birth/first mom and dad. She holds a dear spot in my heart for being so beautiful. 

And then there are a few nonbloggin people close to my heart I would like to share this with.

To my sister, Gayle. For your understanding and love upon learning about your new nephew, PooWee. You’r words bring me to tears as I type this. Oh and ESPECIALLY for that St*rbucks Gift Cert. For her curage through her breast cancer battle. Gayle also gives back  with her motorcycle club in Arizonia. They do many drives to benefit children and other charities.

 And of course MY MOM! Who never says no to watching the boys or picking them up. Who INSISTS on me bring them over verses taking them elsewhere at times. For all the assistance in getting the boys where they need to be when I’m needed in three places at once. For the handmade knit socks she’s given Eli’s teachers or the daycare teacher. AND ME!!! For the baking she does for school fundraisers. FOR BEING THE BEST DARN MOM/GRANDMOTHER A DAUGHTER/GRANDCHILD COULD ASK FOR!! I love you Mom!!

 

PooWee’s Not Doing Well

The Poo man is sick, sick, sick! As in my last post, he began throwing up Tues. night. Well, he hsn’t stopped.

I took him in to the doctors today. Of course Dr. B wasn’t in, so we say Dr. J. He looked him over, saw yet another ear infection, or perhaps it’s the same one we have been treating for the last month with two different antibiotics. He told me to pick up some Lactobac (something like that) from the pharmacy when I picked up his NEW prescription for his ear. I am to try that and if he isn’t any better, he’ll probably have to get admitted to the hospital for IV meds.

Well, the pharmacist refused to sell this Lactosomething to me, because it was adult doses. She had me call the doctor and get clarified if PooWee should take 1/4 of the tablet or what. Dr. J’s nurse got back to me and said this lactosomething does not show dosing for lil guys, so I am to just keep a close eye on PooWee for now. (HHMMM-why did he look this up before? He’s such a dork.)

I’m thinking of calling Dr. R who is on call. PooWee had only had one wet diaper today. He’s doing nohing but nursing every 20 minute! I almost just want him to get the IV meds and get him better. BUT, I don’t want my PooWee in the hospital and getting poked with needles and being all freaked out with the strange place.

He hasn’t thrown up since about 5 this morning, but that’s the way it has been all week. He’s throwing up at night and in the morning. (Maybe he likes fresh sheets every few hours?) BUT, he’s “urpy”, ya know the juicey burps. It’s almost as if it brewing, getting ready to come out.

Right now he’s rocking with Eli and watching Sesame Street Silly Songs. A lil break for me! I have 1hr 30 min before the Walk In closes, figure I’ll give Dr. R a call shortly and see if we should head in there.

Mom’s planning on taking PooWee tomorrow. (If he’s not admitted tonight.) She’s only 5 min. from the hospital, so I can run there if she needs me to.

I’m kinda freaked if he does get admitted. I’m sure there will be comments about what a horrible mother I am, for my babes being so sick. I know I will put him at Privacy status, so if too much is known by my co-workers I wil be protected. Technically, they should know NOTHING of him. If even one person asks how he is, I will know someone said something. Just let someone try looking up his chart in the computer!!!

OK- I think it’s time to call Dr. R. Please send some HEALTHY VIBES for PooWee man. I want my happy wild lil man back!

Oh–April has been having contractions today, I guess! Chad told all his teachers his phone was on because he may have to leave. It’s 7 pm - No baby girl yet!!! She is still at home. Wonder if it’ll be this weekend!

Say Hi to Eli!

I forgot to mention that Eli has made his first blog entry. FINALLY! 

Stop by and say, “Hi” he’ll be super excited to get some comments!

Elijah’s World

Thanx!

Pics -n- More

Biggest shopping day of the year! NOT ME!!! I have NO INTENTIONS of stepping into a store. I’m not a shopper what so ever.

Now, internet shopping is different. I have found more excitement in waiting for my packages to come in the mail, then standing in line at the check out. Although, when I ordered PooWee’s “big boy” carseat and highchair they ended up at a lawyers office down town. Both were sent at separate times too. The receptionist did joke that they do have alot of “babies” in their office.

Now, there is the dilemma with what to get PooWee for his birthday. Via the internet you do get alot more options. I can not decide on which walker thing I want. Plus, at the rate he’s going he’ll be walking without one in no time, so should I even bothers?

I’ve decided to continue on with my blog. How could I take it down, it’s been so great for me. Plus, after reading the comments, I guess people DO read it.

Went to my camera this morning to get Thanksgiving pictures to post (for my sister, Gayle and Kelly) and I had wrestling pics that I must show off first. Eli has the green t-shirt on.

 This was his first meet. Check out the beautiful socks! Hand made by G-ma Marcy! And proudly displayed by Eli! Eli lost,  BUT HAD FUN!

 Eli’s second match. He lost. Again, he had fun.

 This was the city tournament. He lost. But, of course he had fun.

 Here, Eli proudly displays his third place ribbon! 

Elijah really enjoys participating in sports. He in it to have fun. His vision is a big downfall for him. You can tell especially in soccer. And guess what his favorite position for soccer is…goalie! Yet, he goes out there and it he gives it his all. Even if it means getting smack in the face with a ball.

And now, for our Thanksgiving day…

 This is how PooWee started his Thanksgiving at G-ma’s.

 Uncle Larry and Elijah waiting patiently for the feast.

 UNCLE STEVIE! Everybody loves Uncle Stevie!!!

 Elijah and Jimmi playing.

 G-ma and PooWee.

 Auntie Nikki attacking Elijah’s toes.

  Bye Uncle Larry!

   Elijah at 7:30 pm. Yes, my Wild and Crazy Maniac was out like a light at 7:30!!! I was SHOCKED!!!

We had a delicious meal. We played Wheel of Fortune and had a few wrestling matches. It was a nice time!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Just wanted to wish you all a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Hope the food is grand and your bellies get stuffed!  MMMM I can smell the pies already!!

Have a GREAT day!

Feeling Betrayed Part 2

I stayed up till 1am looking at all my computer stuff. Rondidondi, my username may not have always been me on 2 forums. I really don’t goto these forums, I looked a few times and that’s about it. I will admit, she did give advice that I would have. They had been in my favorites, but I wasn’t a regular.

I stuck to one main forum and that one this person didn’t mess with Rondidondi instead she created her own. She made a post that would hit my heart. I did respond and then only to find out that she had done this to me. I knew she had been browsing the same places I do. She would often tell me about interesting posts and stuff. I thought I had just kinda educated someone else about adoption issues. Whats one more person knowing how things are. I was taken advantage of.

The thing that bothers me the most is how I am seen now to these administers on the forum. They will be “watching” me and for new accounts from my computer-n-all. It’s hard to tell your story via PMing. I would really like to change my username if they would let me. Maybe I’ll even just drop off of it. She didn’t leave any comments under Rondidondi from what I can tell, but I don’t know if she was browsing under it or not. This is the same forum that J & P are on and it worries me. I am thinking about asking them to delete me all together.

Through our argument she admitted that she wanted to get J & P’s attention. She is furious with them on how I’ve been treated and wanted them to know how I was hurt too. I told her, they know what I’ve been through, they know about everything already, before she even did. My heart feels she meant well, but it’s hard for me not to be mad. We’ve left on descent terms, but once again as in the past I don’t trust her.

Its so hard for me with this person. I’ve been told numerous of times that she is jealous of me. JEALOUS, PLLLLEEEEEASE! It’s like she has this compulsive disorder that she wants to be like me. About 5-7 yrs ago I was dating this guy, who happened to be in a band. She went on their website and wrote comments in their guest book to him using my name. She has been gone for a few years and just came back to town again. I thought I would be safe, as she seemed to have “changed” and I gave her another chance. Oh-I was wrong. She has exaggerates on stories about things we do together. She makes it sound to other people as if we are best friends and we really aren’t.

I am happy to say that my bank account seems fine! I believe she used my email. I ventured through sent items and there are things I never sent out. I have been getting alot more junk mail and now I betcha I know why. I wonder if she’s used Rondidondi on other sites. Grant it, usernames can be used by many different people, but I pray she didn’t put this blog address on if she did.

Enough ranting, time for PooWee’s morning nap. I may just take one with him too.

This blog seems fine. I don’t think she ever did anything here. All the comments left were mine. She said she didn’t because she knew how much I enjoyed it. Yeah, well what about the forum, I enjoyed that. And how about Rondidondi being used. How about how she messed with my personal issues.

She will not be in my home anymore. Which of course means my computer is all mine again. Oh the passwords I need to change. Lesson:don’t leave your password book lay close to your computer. She confessed she saw it when I was paying bills and then took a shower, she wrote them down. I just want to scream B*TCH in her face. I think she has some issues that should be addressed. I plan on taking with her mother.

I may make this blog password secured. I’m just worried about J & P or their friends and family. I just don’t want to encounter anything uncomfortable, harrassing, you know! 

Feeling Betrayed

So, today I found out someone has been playing games with me. This person has been away for sometime and then I allow them in to my world. I can’t say too much, I don’t want to start a rival amongst others. 

They got my passwords for some accounts I have, so I have lots to do. This person has affected my status on a forum and I need to check out a couple others as well. I feel like throwing a brick through a window!

I’m hurt. I’m torn and I don’t want to deal with this all.

I am considering deleting this blog. I haven’t decided on that yet, I enjoy it. I don’t think it has been affected, due to this password not being in my book.

I must go and straighten out what another has messed up! GGRRRRR!!!!