Evaluation Time

It’s that time of year again, for our work evaluations. My portfolio was due yesterday. I finished it up last minute… of course. My eval is next Tuesday. I do fairly well. I’ve gotten the top raise (which sucks) for years. This year though, I am nervous about my evaluation.

Each year a group of co-workers is formed, known as the Peer Evaluation Committee. Obviously, they critique each employee on the unit. I got the usual comments on being accurate and knowledgeable at my job. I’m a great resource for the RNs with the computer. I’m a preceptor and I am a member of  hospital committees.

However, on the section of where I need to grow the following statement read. There is a need to leave personal life out of work enviroment. GRRR! I DID NOT BRING MY PERSONAL LIFE TO WORK!!! MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS BROUGHT TO ME AT WORK!!! I took this comment to my supervisor and director. Both told me that IF it was about the adoption it would be taken out of my eval, because it had no right to be in there and the group had no right discussing it. My director said that I need to look at all the positive comments about me and remember that this comment is minor. They suggested I go to the Peer Eval group and ask for a more explained response.

I found out who was all in the group. Many responded back that they were not there when my job was evaluated. From what I can figure out all that were there when they did me, I DON’T EVEN WORK WITH!! They work night shift. I did FINALLY get a response from the head of the committee. It reads as follows…

“The peer evaluation process is to focus on what is best for the patient. The goal is to help every individual be the best they can clinically, and also how they best present themselves to others in helping create a healthy work environment. Strengths and opportunites for growth were identified.”

I fully understand this and agree with it.

I do not have a copy of your evaluation as only you and De and Di have this. The evaluation group did not keep a copy. Therefore, I do not recall the exact wording of the comment you are referring to. If I recall correctly, you felt the comment was too personal. I believe we stated that personal problems should be best left at home. Some of your co-workers were uncomfortable working with you at times because there was a tension evident between you and other co-workers. They felt this affected the way the team was able to function positively in the best interest of the patients. Therefore the potential for growth is to ask yourself if your personal life is affecting your work environment.

 I came to you (head of the commitee) and only asked for further information on the comment. I did not say anything about taking it personal. I have to say, YES my personal life has affected me at work. However, I will stand strong on saying that I DID NOT bring it to work. At the end of this email I will list my reasons to back my belief.

This is not a pesonal attack but an opportunity for self reflection and improvement as this is what your co-workers have observed. All of us have a personal life and a work life and we all need to be able to separate the two. At AWH our focus is on the patient. I hope this clarifies your concerns.”

I understand this, but believe that I am being wrongfully accused. The following may provide you with more insight on how I’ve been treated at work.

 I stand strong when I say I did not bring my personal life to work. I however, will say my personal life was brought to me at work. I have to admit I find it somewhat humorous the we just can’t come straight out and say some of my co-workers can’t stand me. Why? Because I decided to parent my son. That’s the whole issue and we all know it. It has NOTHING to do with my work ethics or my performance. They can’t stand to be around me because I didn’t make a personal decision that they wanted me to. I feel the way these particular people have treated me, has brought my personal life to work and this comment on my Peer Eval only proves it.I come to work to do my job. When I returned I knew there would be difficult people. I came back with a strong set of mind, being proud of my decision and to do my job. I do not treat these people any different than my other co-workers, other than not having “small talk” with them.I have created the following list to support my strong belief that I did not bring my personal life to work.

-Everytime I work with C, I need to record the time I confront her with a phone call, a question that she needs to get back to me with, or a form that she needs to get filled out and returned to me. This takes me away from my work. It holds me up from completing my tasks as a Unit Clerk. Sometimes, holding my work up for hours. It interrupts any task I may be working on at the time. I strongly feel this is not looking out for the best interest of the patient. -I acknowledge them when they speak to me. I won’t let their anger interfere with my duties. I don’t get the same in return.  Often I am unaware if they heard me. If they are having a personal conversation and I need to address them about a work issue, I will often have to wait and then get a rude look for interrupting them. This too is not in the best interest of our patients.

-I once held a door open for one of them. I didn’t necessarily do it because I wanted to, but because she needed me to. I wasn’t returned with a “Thank you” instead I got an evil look.

-I have never been pulled into the office because I have treated them disrespectfully. However, I can not say the same for them.

-I have gone above my job duties and taken personal messages for them when they were not currently working on the unit. These messages were either placed in their mailboxes or transferred to the pager they were on. Whereas, I could have simply said, “I’m sorry they are not working at this time, please call back.”

-There was once an issue with S and another co-worker. I witnessed S being very rude to her husband on the phone. When this co-worker asked me about it I verified it and said I would speak with our supervisor or director to confirm it, if she needed me to. Well, this co-worker approached S and as soon as she said I heard it, S blew up at me. She had no concerns about the initial subject, she now had a reason to throw some nasty words at me. I will admit I should have walked away, however, my initial reaction was to protect myself from her slamming me.

-An email concerning J & P’s twin boys was thrown up on my desk for me to see when I returned from lunch one day. Knowing my relationship with J & P is very emotional for me, I find this to be quite harassing. Here too, I should have tried to brush it off and walk away. Instead, this particular day I had had enough and broke down and cried. I had some great support from other co-workers on the unit.

-There have been numerous of times that I walk past two of them talking and they will blurt out a comment about me, my son, J & P, or the twins they have adopted.

-At times when I go to Starbuck’s I am treated rudely if a certain volunteer is working. She’ll make me stand there for some time and never acknowledge me when getting my order.

-When I go up to Human Resources I get greeted rudely. Instead of saying, “Hello, how can I help you?” I barley get looked at and all that is said is “Yeah?”

-As a Unit Clerk working on an Organ Donation patient, communication between the clerk and the RN is greatly needed. This was very difficult because the RN was not relaying when to do lab draws, what needed to be faxed, nor was she taking the phone calls from the OPO. I had to continually get up from my work to remind her of the calls. I found it best to talk with the OPO on where we stood with all the faxing and lab draws.

-When I came back De (director of ICU) told me straight out I would have to watch my back for these few people. She knew they would be just waiting for me to make an error.She was right, I was questioned (rudely) about the orders I entered. Majority of the time there was no error on my part. However, I am only human and I may have made a mistake. Which I would correct promptly. It is very nerve racking for me to do the orders on their patient’s in fear of having to deal with their anger.

-The above proves true again when I was told by another, “I swear S just watches you. Everytime you step out she yells, “Now where is Rhonda?” Whether I step out to go to another unit, to go to the breakroom or the bathroom. I guess she especially gets upset when I go to pump.

-Other co-workers warned me that these people were going to try their best to get me out of the unit. This only gave me more strength to stay. I came back with the attitude, “kill them with kindness” which was recommended to me by my counsellor.

- There is a particular RT (Respiratory Therapist) that is related to P that is also out to “get me”. I was once contacted by her supervisor for not giving her an order, according to her. Well, fortunately for me the patient’s RN saw me take the chart to her, hand her a sticky note about the order and saw the order placed in the computer. I did three separate things with this order to protect myself from her “getting me”. I would have only had to place the order in the computer. It’s time consuming for me to continually “protect” my work.

-One Saturday my sitter called, she came down with the stomach flu and I needed to get the boys. I told the shift leader (of course being one of these particular people) that I would make some phone calls, but may need to get my boys and take them else where. She went off on me to find a replacement, to call people at home and other units. I told her I just need to wait for someone to call me back. She continually yelled at me to find someone to cover for me. there was NO reason to find coverage, I was there WORKING. In the end nothing needed to be done as my mom went and got my boys and took them to my substitute sitter’s home. However, her attitude towards me was mean and this was witnessed by those around me.

-Someone on the unit likes giving my son gifts. She’s very proud of me for choosing to parent. However, she has asked not to let others know that she gives them to me in fear of being treated the way I do by these people. This somewhat bothers me, yet I wouldn’t wish this treatment on anyone, so I do understand her request.

-I have taken many issues to De (director) and Di (supervisor) but in the end I feel like a big tattle tail. It gets tiring going in about the same things over and over again. And it appeared to me that nothing was happening anyways, so why continue?

Actually, one time S straight out lied in the office. Di found this out minutes after the meeting. De was informed the following day by me. What happened? Please look up the policy for directly lieing to your superior.

Another time the Hospital House Supervisor was involved. Policy would be for her to write up the incident and De should have gotten this report. House Super did nothing.

I’d like to know why the hospital isn’t following thier own policies to protect me from this sort of treatment. My theory, these disrespectful employees have been there for years and years, their jobs are higher rank then mine so… I’m just out of luck.

Unfortunately my list could go on. I feel you may get my point from what I have given you.

Yes, after three 12 hour shifts with these people, I can become emotionally run down. There’s nothing more I want to do than to run home and hold my son in my arms and cry. My son is one of three greatest gifts I have and being able to hold him gives me the strength to face these people.

If only one of these people are working, I find they are not bad. However, put two or more together and I am in for a bad weekend.

I stay here only because I will show how proud of my decision to parent my son. I’m so thankful I came to the realization I could do it, before it was too late. I will not let these people drive me out of my job. I feel I am good at my job and will only work to try and improve myself at it.

I was asked by De to have some witnesses talk with her. I do not like the idea of getting others involved. Two of them told me they would not like to say anything, in fear of being treated harshly by S. S is very harsh, we all know there have been plenty conflicts with her attitude and other employees. I do not wish to put anyone under the same position I am in.

To be honest, I have been told by different sources to seek further action. It is believed I am working under a harassing and hostile work environment. I’m not out to get anyone though. I just want to come to work, do my job and go home to my boys. Besides, it would do no good. It would not get these people to understand that I did nothing wrong. I made a decision that I had 100% right to do. It would not change their prospective of my story.

In ending my reply, I’d like to ask the Peer Evaluation Commitee a few more questions. A reply back is not needed as I know the answer is none of my business. On these particular co-workers evaluation did you comment on leaving other co-workers personal lives out of work? Did you ask them to improve their customer service to internal co-workers? Did you tell them you felt it was hard to work with them as a team because of the tension with me?

On a more personal note, I once had a conversation with De about how my co-workers shun my son and how it hurts. Any other mother can bring their child on to the unit and the child gets uh’d and ah’d upon. But my son, many simple pretend I’m not there. Yes, even those that treat me with respect at work. De said it was probably because these co-workers don’t know how to react. I’d like to mention, that he’s a baby…you make silly noises and faces and he’ll think you are the greatest thing in the world. Just because I didn’t relinquish him for adoption doesn’t mean he’s not like any other kid. Or how about all new mothers getting a potluck. Why wasn’t my son celebrated as the rest? It would have been nice to have those that didn’t judge my decision to join together for a lunch.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the adoption. All I can do is grow and learn from it. I just wish others would do the same.

Well, there you have it!

I’m thinking my evaluation may just be focused on this particular area… or not at all. I’m not too sure how my director and supervisor will react to me confronting the fact that nothing has been done about these people. Especially the part where I say I could seek further action.

Part of me wishes I could “discipline” them. I would tell them they need to turn in an indepth report on adoption. I would like to see them interview prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, expectant mothers considering adoption, birth/firstmothers, mothers that in the end like me decided to change their mind and adoptees. I just want these ignorant people to learn and grow too. I’m sure it would do no good, but at least it I would have tried.

On My Mind..

I never can seem to post on just one thing. Again today, I basically have a bunch of ranting to do. So, stick with me as I run through all that is going through my head.

-My blog stats are going crazy! Why? If you ask me, this blog is the world to me, but I can’t figure out how others find it interesting. Well, someone linked to My Days Without PooWeepost. Then another linked to it on her Mysp*ce account.

I ended up going back and reading the post again myself. Once again I hit a low, I cried, I was happy I had PooWee and then I also had anger.

In my head I kept thinking of so many moments that tear my heart apart. One moment was when Eli and I returned after yet another walk around the hospital to get away from all the visitors. As I opened the door to my room I was hoping nobody would be there. I was wrong! Lets see…there’s J & P, both of their mothers, there is J’s brother, his wife and two kids, and then there’s J’s sister and her son. So that’s 10 people, all here for J & P.

Eli was driving me nuts. He kept whining that he wanted to hold PooWee. I didn’t have the courage to speak up and get PooWee for him. I too wanted to hold PooWee, but of course said nothing. Finally, J got PooWee for Eli, I think she just wanted him to be quiet.

Eli and I were sitting on my bed. Eli was touching Poowee’s cheek. I had my arm around Eli and we just stared a our lil baby in ah. Eli began asking who he looked like. I so thought he looked like Eli. Eli liked that idea. I wish I had a picture of this moment. I think it would be beautiful.

Then there were arms pulling PooWee away. They were J’s, she said it was her niece’s turn to hold my son. I doubt Eli even had PooWee for 3 minutes. J’s neice had PooWee about 4 times already. J was jealous, she didn’t like us referring to PooWee as part of our family. She didn’t like us interacting with him and took him away from us. I can’t stand her for this. But I also need to blame myself. For it was ME that couldn’t speak my words.

Why was my voice so weak! Why didn’t I say, “NO! In-fact, EVERYONE LEAVE! Just leave and let us be!” That’s what I was thinking, but the words never came out! This happened to me SO MANY times! I never spoke what I was thinking.

I know I can’t dwell on the past, the past comes back to haunt me though. I want so much to now have a voice. A strong voice, that may help other mothers, or maybe even PAPs. I’ve come to realize that though I choose not to sign TPR, adoption HAS become apart of my life. I can’t change that. I hope to atleast make adoption better for others.

I know…no matter what, there is pain in adoption. But, if I can put warning signs out there for others, maybe I can help them make the best choices. LIKE NO PRE-MATCHING, or NO PAPs AT THE HOSPITAL. Take my pain and shield themselves from it. It’s hope, it’s my hope!

-On the brighter side, Eli is doing better. He is using his visual aids.

Actually, when his VI teacher walked in his classroom the other day, he was on his CCTV and she was super excited. They talked and he told her about his email pals, who are visually impaired (VI) as well. He is really excited about them. His teacher is setting up a bowling/pizza party for the VI kids in our area. She said there are two boys that she can’t wait to introduce to Eli.

I think this is so good for him. He will be will other kids like him and hopefully this will encourage him to stay strong.

His doctor appointment went real well. He actually broke down and cried. I realized he never really cried about his disease. Dr. W was AWESOME with him. He got down in front of him and spoke to him at his level. He reassure Eli he would never be completely blind. He told him he would retain some vision. Eli will see “fuzzy” in his central line of vision. Dr. W told Eli is vision will not deteriorate fast, but so slow that throughout life he really wouldn’t notice. He encouraged him to use his aids and expressed how important they were for him. Eli needed to hear all this from Dr. W.

Dr. W wsn’t concerned with the floaters. Eli’s retina is not detaching anywhere and everything else looked fine. He explained that Eli’s eyes could be stressed and the brain reacts this way.

We will be heading back down to the UW hospital at some point, for more testing. Basically, Dr. W would like to do two more tests that will give us  a more specific diagnosis. However, we will hold off until Eli is comfortable.

I will also have to take PooWee in for an exam to see if he is carrying this as well. We are going to wait until he is about 2 or even 3 years old. If PooWee has it, it means it’s in my family. We currently don’t have anybody with visual difficulties like Eli, so we just figured it came from his dad’s side.

Hopefully, Eli and I get to his blog this week. So far he had picked out his theme. He went with one that has a black background. He actually sees words better when they are white and the background is black. It’s hard on my eyes, but it’s not my blog!

-Andrew is headed to Spain on Fri. Lucky kid!!! His father, Mike, is getting married. She’s a sweet thing! She’s from Spain and wants to get married in her mother’s home town. Mike is so funny…I mentioned to him, on having more kids. (he only has Andrew.) He said OH NO!!! I reminded him how much his fiance LOVES kids. Then he replies, “Well, it better happen in the next two years then!” Mike and his lady have just bought a house and Mike is “allowing” his fiance ONE room for a kid!

I’m happy for him. He’s a good guy and I only want to see him happy as well. His fiance is very nice and excepts Andrew. She is even fine with Mike and mine relationship. We have a son together, we will be communicating and she realizes this.

-OH ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MA MARCY!!!!

Today is my mom’s birthday! She’s 73 years young! We will probably do supper tonight. HHMMM-where should we take her? Eli will want to go someplace that will sing to her and embarrass the bageebeez out of her. We’ll see what we all decide on!

-Monday! Monday is cleaning day,and I must get to it! There’s dishes and laundry and not to mention all the toys that have spread through out the apartment. I loathe cleaning! I’l find anything to stay away from it……like babbling on in my posts!

OK-off to clean!

-WAIT! One more thing…hop over to Judy and send her your words of encouragement as she goes through chemo. She has breast cancer. Her posts show her strength with this battle and I’m sure hearing encouraging words from others will only make her stronger! Thoughts and prayers go out to her from me!

Monday Morning Ranting

I’ve grown balls! I just left a message with Elijah’s school principal to call me. I am going to request an IEP meeting. (Individualized Education Program) Elijah is in IEP because he meets special educational needs with his vision.

I pulled out my papers this weekend and the school is NOT fulfilling all they said they would.

Here’s what I THINK is going on. The school district IS NOT agreeing to a contract.  I’m starting to think Elijah’s VI teacher is involved with this. However, I’m not going to let Eli’s educational needs be affected ANYMORE.

According to my papers, he should have an enlargement program set up in the computer lab for him. NOPE-he struggles with sitting on his knees and has his face to the screen. Elijah is the first visually impaired student his teacher has ever had and it’s very apparent. I think his teacher needs to review his documents and start working on a few things as well. She shouldn’t be using the chalkboard, but instead a white board (dry erase) with dark colored markers for high contrast for Eli to see. This will not affect the other children’s learning either. Does it matter if they see something on a chalkboard instead of a white board? When she is using the overhead. Eli should be given his own copy of what she is discussing. This doesn’t happen, instead he can’t see what’s being discussed and he just listens. His work is not being enlarged all the time. He’ll bring homework home and I rewrite it in permanent marker and larger for him. This can be very time consuming and frustrating at times. Ever re-write 100 math problems including 10 story problems? IT SUCKED! When all they had to do was stick it in the copier and enlarge the font!

I sent an email to his VI teacher on 10-10 asking for an update on Eli. I’ve gotten no response. She did email me with a yahoo group that a parent set up for Wisconsin parents of visually impaired children.  Which I’m loving and they have been the ones that have given me the courage to do some “barking”.

I also got information on a braille class I can take for FREE through the Hadley School For the Blind. I am thinking about teaching Eli Braille. He doesn’t necessarily NEED it, but I think it will benefit his self esteem. He struggles with reading at a fluent pace. He has to focus so much on each individual letter that it affects his speed. He will probably never read as fast as his peers. Kids are already picking on him about it in 3rd grade, think of what high school will be like for him. So, if he can learn Braille and read faster, he wouldn’t be so hard on himself. Currently, he says. “I suck at reading!” He AWESOME at reading, he’s just not fluent.

I believe it will be up to me to teach him the Braille because his IEP papers say he doesn’t NEED Braille at this time. His VI teacher said he may in the future, but currently he is able to see words. Eli is interested in learning it to, so why not. I’m kinda freaked though, what if I don’t understand it? Guess all I can do is give it a try.

I’m also looking at having some type of fund raiser for Eli’s CCTV for at home. The Lions group still has yet to get back to me on assisted funds. I’m told I have to “keep on them”, I’m just so sick of phone calls and all. I figure I might as well just do it myself. It’s been almost 1 year already! So, I’m thinking about getting my butt a knitting, and knitting and trying to sell some stuff. It will take awhile, but that’s all I can think of. I’d rather spend my time knitting then talking on the phone having another “useless” conversation on Elijah’s visual needs. I should just record myself discussion his needs. his diagnosis, what equipment we’re looking at, etc.

Alright, enough venting Now, Ms B call me back, I’m ready to ”bark”, nicely of course.