My Heart Hurts

HELP!!!! My mind has been going crazy, I don’t know what to do about something.

My step-mom is selling my dad’s house. (Dad passed away 6 years ago.) Wish I could buy it, but there’s just no way right now. That’s not the real issue though, the problem is some of the items that she is selling WITH the house.

1-My G-ma and G-pa electric fireplace. It’s an old thing, it still works and would look cute on my living room wall!

2-My G-ma and G-pa’s ANTIQUE chandelier. BEAUTIFUL! Not sure how old it truly is, but I do recall years ago my Uncle saying it had to be about 100 years old. This chandelier was actually promised to my sister N by my father and my step-mother knows this. It may even be in the will.

My step-mom moved from a four bedroom home to a small two bedroom apartment.  Nothing was offered to me.  I know one of my father’s wishes were for his antique toy truck collection to be divide up among the grandson’s. I have three out of four of the grandsons. Grant it PooWee wasn’t around when my father was alive, I still feel he wouldn’t want him left out. My aunt told me the trucks all of them went to the other grandson. (My step-sister’s son.)

My step-mother and I have continued a relationship since my father passing, so it’s not like we weren’t talking. I think one of the things that bothers me the most is she didn’t do as my father had trusted she would do. They had a joint will that stated upon his passing everything went to (step-mom) and then when she passed things were to get divided up among us four kids. Two from my step-mom and two (myself and my sister, N) from my dad. It almost appears to me as if she is giving everything away now, (to her children and grandchildren, so that when she does pass (hopefully not for many years) there will be nothing passed on to my sister and me.

My father and her were truly best friends and I love her to death for she did for my father. She took care of him until the day he died, she never left his side. She’s done so much for me and my boys as well.

I guess my hurt has grown to anger and I don’t know how to face it. I know my relationship with her is more important than material items, so I don’t want to blow things out of proportion. I guess, I see these items as part of my heritage, and my boys’ heritage. They have nothing to do with her heritage, so her heart probably isn’t involved in them.

What do I do? Do I confront her, or just let it go?

Evaluation Time

It’s that time of year again, for our work evaluations. My portfolio was due yesterday. I finished it up last minute… of course. My eval is next Tuesday. I do fairly well. I’ve gotten the top raise (which sucks) for years. This year though, I am nervous about my evaluation.

Each year a group of co-workers is formed, known as the Peer Evaluation Committee. Obviously, they critique each employee on the unit. I got the usual comments on being accurate and knowledgeable at my job. I’m a great resource for the RNs with the computer. I’m a preceptor and I am a member of  hospital committees.

However, on the section of where I need to grow the following statement read. There is a need to leave personal life out of work enviroment. GRRR! I DID NOT BRING MY PERSONAL LIFE TO WORK!!! MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS BROUGHT TO ME AT WORK!!! I took this comment to my supervisor and director. Both told me that IF it was about the adoption it would be taken out of my eval, because it had no right to be in there and the group had no right discussing it. My director said that I need to look at all the positive comments about me and remember that this comment is minor. They suggested I go to the Peer Eval group and ask for a more explained response.

I found out who was all in the group. Many responded back that they were not there when my job was evaluated. From what I can figure out all that were there when they did me, I DON’T EVEN WORK WITH!! They work night shift. I did FINALLY get a response from the head of the committee. It reads as follows…

“The peer evaluation process is to focus on what is best for the patient. The goal is to help every individual be the best they can clinically, and also how they best present themselves to others in helping create a healthy work environment. Strengths and opportunites for growth were identified.”

I fully understand this and agree with it.

I do not have a copy of your evaluation as only you and De and Di have this. The evaluation group did not keep a copy. Therefore, I do not recall the exact wording of the comment you are referring to. If I recall correctly, you felt the comment was too personal. I believe we stated that personal problems should be best left at home. Some of your co-workers were uncomfortable working with you at times because there was a tension evident between you and other co-workers. They felt this affected the way the team was able to function positively in the best interest of the patients. Therefore the potential for growth is to ask yourself if your personal life is affecting your work environment.

 I came to you (head of the commitee) and only asked for further information on the comment. I did not say anything about taking it personal. I have to say, YES my personal life has affected me at work. However, I will stand strong on saying that I DID NOT bring it to work. At the end of this email I will list my reasons to back my belief.

This is not a pesonal attack but an opportunity for self reflection and improvement as this is what your co-workers have observed. All of us have a personal life and a work life and we all need to be able to separate the two. At AWH our focus is on the patient. I hope this clarifies your concerns.”

I understand this, but believe that I am being wrongfully accused. The following may provide you with more insight on how I’ve been treated at work.

 I stand strong when I say I did not bring my personal life to work. I however, will say my personal life was brought to me at work. I have to admit I find it somewhat humorous the we just can’t come straight out and say some of my co-workers can’t stand me. Why? Because I decided to parent my son. That’s the whole issue and we all know it. It has NOTHING to do with my work ethics or my performance. They can’t stand to be around me because I didn’t make a personal decision that they wanted me to. I feel the way these particular people have treated me, has brought my personal life to work and this comment on my Peer Eval only proves it.I come to work to do my job. When I returned I knew there would be difficult people. I came back with a strong set of mind, being proud of my decision and to do my job. I do not treat these people any different than my other co-workers, other than not having “small talk” with them.I have created the following list to support my strong belief that I did not bring my personal life to work.

-Everytime I work with C, I need to record the time I confront her with a phone call, a question that she needs to get back to me with, or a form that she needs to get filled out and returned to me. This takes me away from my work. It holds me up from completing my tasks as a Unit Clerk. Sometimes, holding my work up for hours. It interrupts any task I may be working on at the time. I strongly feel this is not looking out for the best interest of the patient. -I acknowledge them when they speak to me. I won’t let their anger interfere with my duties. I don’t get the same in return.  Often I am unaware if they heard me. If they are having a personal conversation and I need to address them about a work issue, I will often have to wait and then get a rude look for interrupting them. This too is not in the best interest of our patients.

-I once held a door open for one of them. I didn’t necessarily do it because I wanted to, but because she needed me to. I wasn’t returned with a “Thank you” instead I got an evil look.

-I have never been pulled into the office because I have treated them disrespectfully. However, I can not say the same for them.

-I have gone above my job duties and taken personal messages for them when they were not currently working on the unit. These messages were either placed in their mailboxes or transferred to the pager they were on. Whereas, I could have simply said, “I’m sorry they are not working at this time, please call back.”

-There was once an issue with S and another co-worker. I witnessed S being very rude to her husband on the phone. When this co-worker asked me about it I verified it and said I would speak with our supervisor or director to confirm it, if she needed me to. Well, this co-worker approached S and as soon as she said I heard it, S blew up at me. She had no concerns about the initial subject, she now had a reason to throw some nasty words at me. I will admit I should have walked away, however, my initial reaction was to protect myself from her slamming me.

-An email concerning J & P’s twin boys was thrown up on my desk for me to see when I returned from lunch one day. Knowing my relationship with J & P is very emotional for me, I find this to be quite harassing. Here too, I should have tried to brush it off and walk away. Instead, this particular day I had had enough and broke down and cried. I had some great support from other co-workers on the unit.

-There have been numerous of times that I walk past two of them talking and they will blurt out a comment about me, my son, J & P, or the twins they have adopted.

-At times when I go to Starbuck’s I am treated rudely if a certain volunteer is working. She’ll make me stand there for some time and never acknowledge me when getting my order.

-When I go up to Human Resources I get greeted rudely. Instead of saying, “Hello, how can I help you?” I barley get looked at and all that is said is “Yeah?”

-As a Unit Clerk working on an Organ Donation patient, communication between the clerk and the RN is greatly needed. This was very difficult because the RN was not relaying when to do lab draws, what needed to be faxed, nor was she taking the phone calls from the OPO. I had to continually get up from my work to remind her of the calls. I found it best to talk with the OPO on where we stood with all the faxing and lab draws.

-When I came back De (director of ICU) told me straight out I would have to watch my back for these few people. She knew they would be just waiting for me to make an error.She was right, I was questioned (rudely) about the orders I entered. Majority of the time there was no error on my part. However, I am only human and I may have made a mistake. Which I would correct promptly. It is very nerve racking for me to do the orders on their patient’s in fear of having to deal with their anger.

-The above proves true again when I was told by another, “I swear S just watches you. Everytime you step out she yells, “Now where is Rhonda?” Whether I step out to go to another unit, to go to the breakroom or the bathroom. I guess she especially gets upset when I go to pump.

-Other co-workers warned me that these people were going to try their best to get me out of the unit. This only gave me more strength to stay. I came back with the attitude, “kill them with kindness” which was recommended to me by my counsellor.

- There is a particular RT (Respiratory Therapist) that is related to P that is also out to “get me”. I was once contacted by her supervisor for not giving her an order, according to her. Well, fortunately for me the patient’s RN saw me take the chart to her, hand her a sticky note about the order and saw the order placed in the computer. I did three separate things with this order to protect myself from her “getting me”. I would have only had to place the order in the computer. It’s time consuming for me to continually “protect” my work.

-One Saturday my sitter called, she came down with the stomach flu and I needed to get the boys. I told the shift leader (of course being one of these particular people) that I would make some phone calls, but may need to get my boys and take them else where. She went off on me to find a replacement, to call people at home and other units. I told her I just need to wait for someone to call me back. She continually yelled at me to find someone to cover for me. there was NO reason to find coverage, I was there WORKING. In the end nothing needed to be done as my mom went and got my boys and took them to my substitute sitter’s home. However, her attitude towards me was mean and this was witnessed by those around me.

-Someone on the unit likes giving my son gifts. She’s very proud of me for choosing to parent. However, she has asked not to let others know that she gives them to me in fear of being treated the way I do by these people. This somewhat bothers me, yet I wouldn’t wish this treatment on anyone, so I do understand her request.

-I have taken many issues to De (director) and Di (supervisor) but in the end I feel like a big tattle tail. It gets tiring going in about the same things over and over again. And it appeared to me that nothing was happening anyways, so why continue?

Actually, one time S straight out lied in the office. Di found this out minutes after the meeting. De was informed the following day by me. What happened? Please look up the policy for directly lieing to your superior.

Another time the Hospital House Supervisor was involved. Policy would be for her to write up the incident and De should have gotten this report. House Super did nothing.

I’d like to know why the hospital isn’t following thier own policies to protect me from this sort of treatment. My theory, these disrespectful employees have been there for years and years, their jobs are higher rank then mine so… I’m just out of luck.

Unfortunately my list could go on. I feel you may get my point from what I have given you.

Yes, after three 12 hour shifts with these people, I can become emotionally run down. There’s nothing more I want to do than to run home and hold my son in my arms and cry. My son is one of three greatest gifts I have and being able to hold him gives me the strength to face these people.

If only one of these people are working, I find they are not bad. However, put two or more together and I am in for a bad weekend.

I stay here only because I will show how proud of my decision to parent my son. I’m so thankful I came to the realization I could do it, before it was too late. I will not let these people drive me out of my job. I feel I am good at my job and will only work to try and improve myself at it.

I was asked by De to have some witnesses talk with her. I do not like the idea of getting others involved. Two of them told me they would not like to say anything, in fear of being treated harshly by S. S is very harsh, we all know there have been plenty conflicts with her attitude and other employees. I do not wish to put anyone under the same position I am in.

To be honest, I have been told by different sources to seek further action. It is believed I am working under a harassing and hostile work environment. I’m not out to get anyone though. I just want to come to work, do my job and go home to my boys. Besides, it would do no good. It would not get these people to understand that I did nothing wrong. I made a decision that I had 100% right to do. It would not change their prospective of my story.

In ending my reply, I’d like to ask the Peer Evaluation Commitee a few more questions. A reply back is not needed as I know the answer is none of my business. On these particular co-workers evaluation did you comment on leaving other co-workers personal lives out of work? Did you ask them to improve their customer service to internal co-workers? Did you tell them you felt it was hard to work with them as a team because of the tension with me?

On a more personal note, I once had a conversation with De about how my co-workers shun my son and how it hurts. Any other mother can bring their child on to the unit and the child gets uh’d and ah’d upon. But my son, many simple pretend I’m not there. Yes, even those that treat me with respect at work. De said it was probably because these co-workers don’t know how to react. I’d like to mention, that he’s a baby…you make silly noises and faces and he’ll think you are the greatest thing in the world. Just because I didn’t relinquish him for adoption doesn’t mean he’s not like any other kid. Or how about all new mothers getting a potluck. Why wasn’t my son celebrated as the rest? It would have been nice to have those that didn’t judge my decision to join together for a lunch.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the adoption. All I can do is grow and learn from it. I just wish others would do the same.

Well, there you have it!

I’m thinking my evaluation may just be focused on this particular area… or not at all. I’m not too sure how my director and supervisor will react to me confronting the fact that nothing has been done about these people. Especially the part where I say I could seek further action.

Part of me wishes I could “discipline” them. I would tell them they need to turn in an indepth report on adoption. I would like to see them interview prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, expectant mothers considering adoption, birth/firstmothers, mothers that in the end like me decided to change their mind and adoptees. I just want these ignorant people to learn and grow too. I’m sure it would do no good, but at least it I would have tried.

My Thoughts Go Out to Chad

My heart goes out to Chad so much lately. I feel he is working too much. He actually works two jobs and goes to school. One paycheck goes towards his soon to be daughter and the other needs to pay his car insurance, cell phone, gas, and anything else he may require. It’s too much…to much for him to handle. He hasn’t had a day off for about two weeks.

I’m frustrated. Frustrated with his mother. Why CAN’T she help him out more. He’d be costing her alot more than the $200 she sends me a month if he were living with her. She has been traveling back and forth from Wisconsin to North Carolina a couple of times now. She stays with her sister in southern Wisconsin, so Chad doesn’t even get to see her. What I don’t understand is how she can afford all this traveling, but can’t put lunch money into Chad’s account. I don’t say anything in fear that she won’t allow Chad to live with s anymore. He’s a pleasure to have here and I wouldn’t want to see him leave.

I’ve been giving Andrew extra money and he’s been buying Chad lunch because Chad wouldn’t except any money from me for lunch. Andrew figured out that the school charges more for the second meal though. So, Chad finally agreed to except a check from me and put it into his account. Can I afford it, NO, but sometimes we act from the heart instead of the size of our bank accounts.

Chad is getting run down. He’s been sick since he moved in. He’s tired, he’s stressed, he just straight out WORN OUT!

I know that he would love to be in lacrosse with Andrew. But, instead he heads off to work. Becoming a father has already affected his life and he’s taking it on full blast. However, I feel his school work is affected by him working so much and this it not good.

I so strongly feel he shouldn’t be working two jobs. I think it’s TOO much. Legally he’s working too many hours according to our state laws for school age kids. But, do I say something to the school? How? Would I be risking his mom taking him back to North Carolina? I’m not sure it’s my place to say or do anything!

I’m half tempted to tell him to quit one and we will manage. I’ll just take him on as my own. I’d have to help him with insurance, gas and his cell though and I can’t do all that. If I could put him on my insurance and my cell plan that would be do able…MAYBE. However, he’s stuck in a contract with his cell.

Plus, his car…well, technically his mom left him her 2003 Saab, YES a WAY BETTER car than I have and I can’t afford insurance on that baby. I’m not even sure what he pays a month on it, but I’m sure it’s plenty. Here we have a teenager who has had his license less than a year, as primary driver…he’s paying ALOT.

Yes, Chad is going to be a father soon. Yes, he will be facing many issues, normal 16 year old don’t, but he still needs some time to be a kid. My hope is once his daughter is born, things will calm down for him. That he will have time to be with his daughter and time to hang with his friends. With him working these two jobs and going to school, he doesn’t even have time for himself.

Is it best that he be here in Wisconsin? Or should he be in North Carolina, which he didn’t like and away from his daughter and friends. He wants to be here.

He plans on joining the military after high school. He has goals. I want to see him succeed. He will, if he is given the chance. I fear he may rebel if his stress load doesn’t get lighter. UGH! What can I do to help him more? How can I be there for him? I hope he feels he can come to me if he needs anything.

I’ve thought about getting a second part time job myself. I figure maybe he could watch the PooWee babes and I could work a few hours a week. I would make more than he would working. This could help us out and then maybe he could quit a job. But, I fight this thought because of the time it would take me away from PooWee, Elijah, and Andrew. Yet, evenjust 10-15 hrs a week. Maybe I could even get a job at night when they are sleeping!

AARRRRR - I just don’t know. I don’t think he’s going to make it too much longer at the rate he’s going.

Andrew’s First Sick Call to Work

Andrew became ill yesterday afternoon. Oh- I know what he’s got! It’s not going to be a fun road for him!

He called me at work and said he just started feeling really ill. I told him to take some meds and go lay down. I would call his work and let them know. He offered to call, but I said, “No, I will, you just go lay down.”

Here’s the conversation with the manager on duty.

ME- “This is Andrew’s mother. He is not feeling well. And just to warn you, we have had influenza in the house. I’m still feeling crappy on week 2.”

Manager-”OK, who’s going to make the calls?”

ME-”Calls? What do you mean?”

MNGR-”Our policy is if you call in you need to find someone to work for you.”

ME-”WHAT? That is just ridiculous! I’m not going to make Andrew make a bunch of phone calls when he’s not feeling well, so I guess I will.”

The manager then gave me 2 numbers of boys that do the same job as Andrew. One being one of Andrew’s best friends and the other boy I do not know.

I expressed my concern with the fact that she just gave me confidential information on her employees. She told me that they sign a form saying they can give their phone numbers out for this very reason.

OK-Help me with this one! MINORS sign a form saying it’s OK to give out a phone number that is in their PARENT’S NAME. Plus, I’m not an employee there, they just gave numbers out to a complete stranger. I could be very disrespectful with these numbers! (Though of course I won’t, BUT they don’t now that!)

ME-”So, what happens if I can’t find someone to work  his shift?”

MNGR-”We would need a doctors excuse.”

ME-”I can tell you right now that clinics are telling people that call in with flu like symptoms to STAY HOME! They don’t want them. I’m not taking him to the doctor unless I feel it is appropriate!” (Also lets mention it’s 1ish Sun afternoon, that would be an ER visit!)

MNGR-”Being his first time we would probably just forget it then, but if it happens again, further action would be taken.”

ME-”If he does have influenza, he will be out for awhile.”

MNGR-”We need to follow our policies.”

ME-”REALLY! Then you tell me WHY when Andrew was the first one in at 3 during our last snowstorm, you called off the 4:30 person and the 5:30 person and had Andrew close. You NEVER asked him if he was willing to stay. According to your policy, being slow business he would have been asked to leave at 4:30 when the next boy came in. So…you DON”T ALWAYS follow policy!”

MNGR”I appreciate your comment.”

I called Andrew’s friend first. Turns out he was already working, he made a switch with someone. I vented my frustration with him. I can’t BELIEVE this! He said it was really stupid, even if they get sick at work they need to call and have someone come in and work for them or they would have to stay. This is a RESTAURANT, do you want SICK people serving you your food?

I called the other kid. Introduced myself and asked if he would be able to work. Turned out he couldn’t because he was coming back from Minnesota. I then expressed to him that he should mention to his manager how inappropriate it was that they gave ME a NON-EMPLOYEE his number.

I’m making all these calls from work myself. Co-workers around me are as astound as I am. They couldn’t BELIEVE it. One co-worker said when her daughters were teenagers they had to do the same thing at the place they worked.

Now, I can understand if someone has called in alot. BUT THE FIRST TIME! Are there alot of places like this? Do they think people don’t get sick!

Had to call his work back. This time they gave me to the owner. He went on to tell me their policy. He stated that they actually require you to call in 4 hour before you work. (I called shortly after 1 and Andrew worked at 3. - Just shy of 2hrs beforehand.) He went on to say that this teaches the teenagers responsibility. I’m thinking it would make me second guess staying home sick and just coming to work.

Me-”Andrew felt fine earlier. He just started feeling really bad. I can tell you that’s how it is, all of a sudden you feel like crap. Can you explain to me the reasoning for this?”

OWNER-”If we didn’t have this policy, we would have all our teens calling in every Saturday night.”

ME-”If you have a repeat offender it’s understandable, but to ask someone that feels really ill to call for a replacement just seems irrational to me. OK, so now what happens that I could not find anyone to work for Andrew?”

OWNER-”We take it into consideration that you made good faith in finding someone to work.”

ME-”And if it happens again, from what I understand he may be canned.”

OWNER-”My manager NEVER said he would get canned. Plus, this is the first time I’ve ever had a parent call in for their child.”

ME-”I never said she said that directly, but that’s what I took from her saying further action would be take. Andrew offered to call in, I told him to REST and not worry about it. If you would like him to call, I can have him.”

OWNER-”No, Andrew does not need to call. Of course we don’t want someone working that is sick and could be spreading germs to our customers and other workers.”

ME-”I must say this. I work at the hospital and your sick call policy is 50 times worse than what we have. My co-workers here CAN’T believe what you are requiring.”

OWNER-”Are you saying my business is not important?”

ME-”I NEVER said your business is not important. You serve food, we save lifes and we can still do that with someone not being here due to being sick.”

OWNER-”Thank you for trying to find someone to work. I will mark Andrew down as being sick for his shift.

ME-”That’s fine, but please make sure you don’t take my issues out on Andrew.”

OWNER-”Good-bye”

Do companies really expect this? What if Andrew was puking his brains out. He would have to worry about finding someone to go in for him! Feeling dizzy, light headed and very weak, do you want to make phone calls?

Andrew is a very good employee for them. He has won the most “incentive contests” that they have out of everyone that works there. He has stayed late, came in when called and worked many extra shifts. He really doesn’t like the job, but knows the importants of doing a good job.

I was kinda freaked to call Andrew and tell him I had it out with his manager and owner. When I told him I apologized. I told him I just couldn’t believe it. HE DIDN’T CARE!!! He actually told me to call them back and get him fired.  I told him he didn’t want that, but he could quit with notice. I told Andrew to make sure the don’t treat him ANY different because of me. And that I want a copy of  this supposed slip giving permission to hand out numbers.

I always though that the hospital was kinda bad on their sick policy. We are allowed 3 sick days a year, and it’s a floating year too. So a sick day doesn’t fall off until you get to that day the following year. We take care of SICK PEOPLE!!! We are going to be catch some of the germs! However, my supervisor and manager haven’t put anyone into disciplinary action unless for good reasons. Like me…they take into consideration that I am a single mommy of 3 and I will be calling in for the kids too. We have many many teenagers that work by us, whether as CNAs, in the kitchen, housekeeping or even volunteering, the hospital doesn’t make them find someone to work for them. Assuming teenagers are going to take advantage of calling in sick isn’t teaching them responsibility. It more like being charged as GUILTY and needing to prove your INNOCENCE!

What really irks me the most is not ONCE, NOT ONCE did the manager of owner express they we’re sorry Andrew wasn’t feeling well. Or even ask, “Oh no, how is he doing?” They could have cared less that my son was sick, they only worried about who was going to bus their tables. This implies to me that if Andrew would happen to break a dish and cut himself on accident. They would be more worried about their darn dish than the cut my son may receive.

I truly believe the main issue here is that the manager or owner may just have to “stoop down” and bus some tables. How inappropriate for these top notch people to pick up dirty dishes. GRRRR-just ticks me off.