One Year!

I stayed up way too late last night playing on the computer. My head is killing me this morning because of it. I feel like I have a hang over, but I didn’t even have a drop of alcohol.

While scooping out the blog some, reading old posts and all I realized I’ve been blogging for ONE YEAR! I was kind of excited. (YEAH, it doesn’t take much.)

I was super excited too because there is another mommy that same on the forum and announced her daughter was in foster care for the past week, she has an adoption plan, but since the moment her daughter was born she fell total in love with her. All of a sudden all of her reasons for the adoption didn’t matter anymore, she wanted to parent her daughter. (Don’t I know that one.)

Of course I replied screaming, GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER!!! I also PMed her and she replied back that she was going to talk with her councellor today and was 100% sure she would be getting her daughter. YAY!! I hope she lets us know how it went.

Elijah called me at work on Saturday from camp. He is having so much fun, however there was a sadness in his voice. There were people in the background so he was also speaking very softly, he doesn’t like others listening to him talk on the phone.

He’s been busy with craft projects. I guess he made a really big castle out of cardboard and is worried he won’t get it home. Anybody got a truck I can borrow? I told him I would leave the stroller at home so maybe there will be enough room in the trunk. He been playing a lot of chess, but is frustrated because he hasn’t won any games. They have have gone bowling and he won 2 games. He’s learning how to cook and said he’s going to make us some almond pudding and gingerbread cookies when he gets home. MMMMMM!

He expressed how badly he was dieing for a soda, but didn’t have 50 cents. I reminded him of the 10 dollar bill in his sunglasses case. He said he knew, but nobody had change. I asked him if he asked one of the adult. “NO! Why would I ask THEM?” was his reply. I had to laugh, guess he figures adults NEVER have any money. He went to the Renaissance Fair on Sunday, so now he has change.

Yeah-he called on Sunday too. This time he had an opportunity where nobody was around and he confessed, “I want to come home!” My heart broke, I want to just hop in the car and go get him, but I knew that he would have fun this week and he could hold out. We talked about all the fun he was having. His attitude got a bit negative, everything was “stupid and boring”. YEAH RIGHT! When he had to get off the phone I promised to call him Monday night.

Talked with him last night and he is fine. Yes, he’s homesick, but he had another fun day and was happy he stayed. He stated it was getting hard to wait to see me and PooWee though. He’s just so excited to see us he can’t wait much longer. He also had his first soda and said it was, “GOOOOOOOD!!”

I have strict orders to call him again tonight at 6:30. I sure do miss him! PooWee and I are trying to keep busy. Last Thurs. evening I didn’t know what to do, so PooWee and I headed to Elijah’s soccer game that he is missing. The coach had to chuckle at me for showing up and my son wasn’t even there. Hey! I’m BORED, and PooWee loved watching the kids play.

I got back downtown yesterday morning to finish shooting the rest of the chalk drawings. I was excited it didn’t rain. I wanted really bad to get a better shot of PooWee on Aaron’s work too. We got down there and the drawings were washed out! I was so disappointed. Mom and I debated back and forth if it did rain, she thought some kids may have gone down there and destroyed them, or that possible the morning dew had washed them out. Then a lady answered our question. Here someone forgot to shut of the timer for the sprinkling system. Yep-someone got in trouble at work yesterday! It’s a real bummer too, because so many people come down to look at them. Betcha this won’t happen again.

Aaron is coming over tomorrow to hang with PooWee and I. It’s been awhile since he’s come over during the week. Usually he picks him up from the sitters on Sundays for a few hours. I guess he has off and seeing he was doing the chalkfest this past Sunday he didn’t get PooWee. I’m thinking I’m going to take advantage of Aaron being here and take a shower when he’s here. WOW! I’m excited, I will get a shower without a lil guy pulling open the curtain and throwing toys in by me! YAY!

Bruce is growing…well…like a weed. I have to laugh, I just can’t pull him out. Bruce has become apart of our family. PooWee truly is proud of him. He walks up to Bruce and says, “WOW” and give him a kiss.

Today I have to do laundry, clean up the apartment and wash PooWee’s pool. I was lazy and never ran to get a tarp to cover the pool and there lots of debry and bugs that found their way in. So we drained it last night and today we will wipe it out and put new water in. Yes, I bought a tarp yesterday.

Andrew’s dad ended up in the hospital yesterday. I took him up there for awhile. Mike was in super bad pain, I believe he had a bowel obstruction. They were waiting to see they results of the CT Scan were and if he would need surgery or not. Of course I had to make sure he had a good doctor and care. His doc is top of the line awesome, so he had my approval to continue on with him. Right after we left Mike got rushed off to surgery. I called Andrew at 11 last night he hadn’t heard anything yet. This morning I got Andrew out of bed at 10:30 and he didn’t know anything yet. I told him to get up and find out! Still hasn’t called back.

Well, I guess I better get going on my chores for the day or they will never get done!

Happy day to all!!

YAY PooWee’s Daddy!!!

PooWee’s Daddy won!!!! YAY!!! We are so excited for him!!

 

PooWee’s Daddy, Aaron won the Artist Choice Award at the Chalkfest this weekend! He is super excited and we are equally excited for him.

Note: Aaron has done the Chalkfest since it started. (not sure how long it’s been going on.) He doesn’t go into it with any planned drawing. He sits down starts drawing and well…here is what he came up with. The picture isn’t the greatest, but there are hidden items, lots of eyes lead to faces or a guitar. Aaron alson got quoted in todays paper, before he knew he won. His quote, “I like people to just stare at my work” and that’s what you need to do to get the real feel of his artwork.

Elijah has been upset that he couldn’t draw in the Chalkfest this year because he is at WCBVI. So he asked me to go and take a picture of every single chalk drawing. So, after work tonight we headed down to check out the artwork. 

I decided taking a video would be better. As I started taping and Grandma strolled with PooWee we run into Amy. Amy is a awesome teacher from the boys’ old daycare. I chatted with her for quite awhile. Then it was off taping again. I was sure not to miss any. Believe me he would find out if I did.

Almost half way through, Grandma and PooWee ran into his babysitter, Brenda. Of course PooWee persuaded Brenda to lift him out of the stroller. (BAD NEWS!!) PooWee started showing off to everyone, doing his little “PooWee dance”, but then he thought it would be cool to dance on the artwork. Oh NO!

It was close to 9:00 already, he was tired and now he wasn’t listening and staying off the artwork, so I decide it was time to go and I would finish getting the rest of the artwork for Elijah tomorrow. We quickly found Aaron’s work to check it out.

PooWee was a bear, so we really just had to get him out of there. Well, PooWee wasn’t having that, he threw a fit! I’m sure the whole downtown could hear him as I was carrying him back to the car. I get to the car and my phone rings. Here it’s Aaron. He asked what I was doing and I told him where we were. He asked me to do him a favor…put PooWee in the center of his artwork and take a picture! (AARON! Do you hear the fit he is throwing! This fit is because I won’t LET HIM GO ON THE ARTWORK!) I just chuckled at Aaron and told him I would. I told him why I had to laugh though.  He said, “He can go on my work anytime! I have to have a picture with him in it. He got to sit in the middle and be like…YEAH THIS IS MY DAD’S!” Aaron was super proud, he should be.

So, back to the picture we go.  PooWee was in seventh heaven! A couple took the picture for me as I tried to get PooWee to sit nice in the middle. Finally he relized these strange people we taking his picture and he looked at them. He even did the “PooWee dance” on it!

I am crossing my fingers that it doesn’t rain tonight. I only got about half way through. Elijah will be so upset if I don’t get the rest, but he will understand. Andrew is going to come help me with PooWee tomorrow so I can finish up.

 

My Heart Hurts

HELP!!!! My mind has been going crazy, I don’t know what to do about something.

My step-mom is selling my dad’s house. (Dad passed away 6 years ago.) Wish I could buy it, but there’s just no way right now. That’s not the real issue though, the problem is some of the items that she is selling WITH the house.

1-My G-ma and G-pa electric fireplace. It’s an old thing, it still works and would look cute on my living room wall!

2-My G-ma and G-pa’s ANTIQUE chandelier. BEAUTIFUL! Not sure how old it truly is, but I do recall years ago my Uncle saying it had to be about 100 years old. This chandelier was actually promised to my sister N by my father and my step-mother knows this. It may even be in the will.

My step-mom moved from a four bedroom home to a small two bedroom apartment.  Nothing was offered to me.  I know one of my father’s wishes were for his antique toy truck collection to be divide up among the grandson’s. I have three out of four of the grandsons. Grant it PooWee wasn’t around when my father was alive, I still feel he wouldn’t want him left out. My aunt told me the trucks all of them went to the other grandson. (My step-sister’s son.)

My step-mother and I have continued a relationship since my father passing, so it’s not like we weren’t talking. I think one of the things that bothers me the most is she didn’t do as my father had trusted she would do. They had a joint will that stated upon his passing everything went to (step-mom) and then when she passed things were to get divided up among us four kids. Two from my step-mom and two (myself and my sister, N) from my dad. It almost appears to me as if she is giving everything away now, (to her children and grandchildren, so that when she does pass (hopefully not for many years) there will be nothing passed on to my sister and me.

My father and her were truly best friends and I love her to death for she did for my father. She took care of him until the day he died, she never left his side. She’s done so much for me and my boys as well.

I guess my hurt has grown to anger and I don’t know how to face it. I know my relationship with her is more important than material items, so I don’t want to blow things out of proportion. I guess, I see these items as part of my heritage, and my boys’ heritage. They have nothing to do with her heritage, so her heart probably isn’t involved in them.

What do I do? Do I confront her, or just let it go?

Ahhhh Summer

We are having the time of our lives…just enjoying summer. I love summer, I love being outside and I find my boys are the same.

Andrew just returned from a biking (pedal) trip with his dad and stepmom. (He whined and whined about going. I told him he could stay home with the boys and I would go.) They went to Michigan and biked about 35 miles a day and then camped for the night. Overall he pedalled 250 miles. He still says it was boring, but he’s enjoying his tan legs. I passed down my wonderful genes of being either white or red. I DO NOT tan. Now he knows the secret to being tan…bike all day for a week.

Elijah had his sports camp and loved it. He earned a medal at the track meet. His favorite part was sneeking out of his dorm room at night to knock on his friends’ doors and was all excited that he didn’t get caught. Next year he plans on doing it BOTH nights. Oh, why does he tell me this stuff.

He learnt how to flip someone as he was taught some Judo. So far nobody has volunteered to let him show us. ANYONE…SOMEONE…PLEASE - I’d really like to see him do it! (Obviously, I haven’t volunteered either.)

We only have this week left to goof around and then he’s off to his two week camp in Janesville. I take him down on Sunday. The theme is Fairy Tale, Fantasy and Medieval Times. Should be fun. They may even make it to the Renaissance Fair.

PooWee LOVES being outside. He throws a fit whenever we need to go in the house or in the car. He’s learning his boundaries. I should say HE KNOWS his boundaries and LOVES to test me. He walks right up to the neighbor’s yard and watches me, if I turn he’s takes a mad dash for their cool pond with a waterfall.

He is so into balls. I think he has 100 of them. Andrew is turning him into a lacrosse player. PooWee walks around constantly with a lacrosse stick in his hand.

Swimming is pretty cool to him too. We’ve spend many days at the pool. He’s made new friends. His favorite is to stand out of the pool and throw his balls in the water. Then other kids will retrieve them for him and he gets to throw them in again.

Me…I haven’t used the dryer once since the weather has been nice. I love hanging clothes out. Especially bedding, ahhh that fresh air smell as I fall off to dreamland.

I enjoy cutting the grass as well. Infact, the girl downstairs wants me to give her a chance to mow. HA HA HA I’m home more than she is and I get at it first. Although I ran our of gas yesterday and the front yard is only half done.

I’ve been knitting a new purse for myself. My current purse is getting quite rugged looking. I’ll have to take a few pics and post it. I think it’s going to nice. I don’t get too many chances to work on it, but it is coming along. I usually get the most work time during tubby time. PooWee plays and I knit. HHHMMMM-wonder how many baths I can get him to take in one day?

Well, Elijah is harassing me to get ready for swimming. He’s got some friends meeting him at the pool at 1:00. I better go, I’ve got so much to get ready yet.

 

 

I’m Tempted…

to disconnect the internet for the summer. Not only the internet, but unplug the TVs.

We live for summer around here. It’s not that we waste alot of time on these things, it’s just that sometimes it’s easier to watch a video in the evening than sit outside under the stars.

I’d like to take the money I’d save and go camping, take a day trip, whatever we feel like doing.

Andrew’s by his father for majority of the summer. He comes home 1 week a month. He doesn’t like the idea, because he wants the internet when he is here.

Elijah, well we all know how busy he is. He actually stated, “I don’t care, I’m not going to be here anyways.”

PooWee, I don’t think he’ll notice too much. Although, Andrew did find him Fisher Price Infant Online Games. Which he does love. He is rather cute playing them too. He’s quite insistent when it comes to “his turn” on the computer. But overall, I think he will survive any serious withdrawals.

Then there’s me…I’ll miss checking up on all you. I’ll miss writing my post and checking for new comments. And then there’s my email. I’ll lose my account with my internet server, but could set up a free account elsewhere. I’d have to change over alot of my bills. I could check in now and then from work. Oh, all the good stuff I’ll miss. BUT it’s only for 3-4 months!

PLUS-my internet company is always offering a deal…basic cable, internet and phone for only $9.00 more than what I pay for just internet. I’ve called and can’t get the deal because I am an EXISTING customer. WHATEVER…but I was told if I leave and come back then I can.

This is a bonus for us because Andrew and I have cell phones, but no home phone. We do only get 1 channel. Well, actually 2, but the second one is so fuzzy we don’t watch it. And when winter rolls around again and we are home bodies, we have more options on TV.

HHHMMM what to do…

I Need Sleep!

Chad was ill Friday night. He threw-up nine times at his friend’s house. (Yes, he counted.) Saturday he spent the day on the couch. He was running a fever of 102. He looked like sh*t. He’s doing much better now.

PooWee…he threw up three times last night. I only have 2 sets of bedsheets too. It was an awful night. I am so tired. So far so good this morning on not throwing up, instead it’s coming out the other end ALOT!!!!

We’ll be laying around all day, I’m sure. Well, in between laundry that is. I have two quilts, two sets of bedsheets and some blankets to wash. Wait there’s also a mountain of clothes. I need a maid.

On a brighter note I got a cute text message from a friend today. I’d like to share it with all you bloggin friends.

Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Thanks for being the pee in my pants!

 

Is Spring Break Over YET!!!!!

What a week! The boys had spring break this week, which means I had a house full of boys. BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS BOYS!!!!!!!!! Video games, soda, pizzas, chips, and BOYS! Where oh where are the pretty lil girls?

What is it with boys that they have to be so loud when the play the video games. Why do they hoot and howler at the TV? They consume the entire living room with TVs and XBoxes. PooWee would make a mad run for any controller left unattended. He thought he was way cool hanging with the big guys.

I managed to squeeze my way into the couch to fold laundry yesterday. I step out for two minutes and return to find my underwear getting thrown back and forth! My bra (Oh the beautiful nursing bra that it is) is being worn by friend # 13, carefully stuffed with some socks.

I must say it was rather nice when they all decided to go see a movie at 9:30 last night!

However, when I woke up this morning and Andrew was not home with my car I began to freak! He did text me saying he was with B. The text lacked details though. Like, “I’m going to spend the night!” Wise child that he is, left his cell phone at home and I did not have B’s number. Chad had left the house right before I got out of bed, so I gave him a jingle. He was off to his girlfriend’s house, but gave B a call to have Andrew come home. BIG OOPS on Andrew’s part, now he’s stuck going to the grocery store with me! WaaHaaaHaaa- he hates going to the grocery.

Chad’s mother and I had a good conversation. We both would like to see Chad quit a job. Chad is wearing himself out fast. We want him to go out for lacrosse, I will be emailing the coach to see if he can still get in. (Lacrosse started 2 weeks ago.) She wants Chad to communicate more with her on the baby’s needs. He just always tells her he has it under-control. She is looking at moving back to Wisconsin, but not here. Which is why she is in Wisconsin then back in North Carolina then back here. Chad will be going to visit her this weekend. It appears that Chad is treating us as two divorced parents. Getting money from her and me! (LITTLE SHIT!) I can’t be too upset, as it doesn’t surprise me. Kids will be kids. Andrew likes to tell his dad stuff and then me. Andrew found out quickly that his father and I are good communicators and I think Chad is finding that out too!

Well, I guess “my time” on the computer is up! You would think the kids paid the bills!

Hopefully, next week I’ll actually get an INTERESTING post out there!

Summer Can’t Come Soon Enough

Is summer really coming? I can’t wait for some sunshine and toasty weather!

Elijah’s summer is getting all planned out. Summer program forms are being sent home from school ever Friday these past few weeks. He seems to want to join everything from Invention camps to tackle football camps.

So far he’ll be going to the Wisconsin Lions Camp from July 20th to 25th. I want to go too, it is SO BEAUTIFUL there! He went there last summer for the first time and LOVED it! He only had one complaint. His group didn’t get to jump into the mud pit because the girls didn’t want to. (Those darn girls!) Elijah was actually nominated as a future camp counselor, because he helped out so much with the other campers. At camp Eli is “Top Dog”, he can actually sees better then majority of the kids. I was so happy he learnt to assist the others and was such a helpful young man. The theme of last years camp was crafting and my boy even got the Camp Crafter award! He got a patch and we put it onto his camp sweatshirt. He’s excited to go back.

He just turned in his registration form for a Camp Inventions at his school. That will be the week after Lions Camp. He is really excited about this too. One of his friends were in it last summer and told Eli all about it. He gets to take a VCR apart and other electronic items. He’ll turn into my Little fix-it boy after this camp!

Then there are two other camps he was really interested in. These camps are held by the Wisconsin Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired. Unfortunately the one he really would like to attend is during his Lions Camp week. This one is Touch the Stars, he loves his telescope and looking into the sky. We are getting information on the Folk Art Fables and Fantasy camp. This is a two week camp based on medieval times. Should be fun. However, he’s (and myself) are concerned that he’d be gone for two weeks, come home for three days and then head off to Lions Camp for a week. That’s alot of time away from his mommy!

Yes- all those donation boxes you see at the checkout for sending blind and visually impaired children to camp really do work! Eli attends all these camps FREE OF CHARGE! THANK YOU to all that donate! It doesn’t matter if I made $100,000,000 or $1,000 a year, he goes FREE! We always put our change in. Infact, last time I got $37.87 back as change and Eli was SUPER EXCITED to put so much in. (Even though we all know $37.87 really isn’t THAT much!)

KS-Eli’s VisuallyImpaired teacher just told me about a sports camp too. She not sure of the dates or if the deadline has gone past already, but she’ll be getting me more information. KS is looking into other activities for him as well.

To add to all that, we need to get him into his swim lessons, gymnastics camp and anything else he’s interested in. Soccer season is an all time favorite too. Unfortunately, he’ll miss three weeks of it due to the camps I mentioned above.

I’m excited to say Andrew will be around more for the summer this year. He will technically be with his father, but his father has now moved back to Wausau. So, this allows Andrew to join his Cross Country camp and run all summer in the summer running club. He is also planning on joining LaCrosse camp.  He enjoys his time with his father, but he didn’t like being two hours away all summer long. He would come home for one week a month, but was still unable to join summer programs with his friends.

Then there’s the PooWee man! HE GETS TO GO BIKING THIS SUMMER! I AM SO EXCITED TO JUMP ON THE GOOD ‘OL BIKE!! It has been two summers since I got to go out and bike my lil butt off. (First I was pregnant and the next PooWee was too small.) I’ve missed it terrible!

I have a bike trailer from when Eli was my little guy. It’s nice, but I’m really looking into a bike seat too. Now they have bike seats that go in the front of you. Anybody use one of these? I kinda like the thought of them. HOWEVER, how many times do you think PooWee will throw his head back and smack me in the face? OUCH!!!

I like the trailer for picnics and lugging extra stuff with us. The one I have seats two kids. There are just times that I didn’t like having it behind me. Plus, I did tip Eli in it once. I rounded a corner too fast. OOPPSS! He was fine and actually laughed and told me to do it again!

Eli also thinks PooWee needs to join Toddler Tumblers class at the YMCA. He wants PooWee to follow in his footsteps as a gymnast. I’m thinking about it. Eli has gymnastics tonight, so we may just check it out. PooWee sure would love his chance to get out and play on the mats just lie his big brother. My mom has been watching him lately during gymnastics because he’s just too hard to handle. He wants out by big brother, to jump and roll and run around on the mats. The parallel bars are quite intriguing to him as well. 

Summer, I can’t wait for it to come. I LOVE the heat! I love the sun shining in my eyes! I don’t even mind cutting the grass. I get to hang my clothes out to dry and then they smell so fresh! (And don’t forget the savings on the electric bill!) MMM, I can’t wait to grill fresh veggies on the grill. We are outside from morning to night in the summer. I just can’t wait to get out of this house and have some fun!

4 + 1 = 5

It’s official we are adding another member to our household! Yes, call me crazy, but I have to give it a try.

Chad will be moving in.

In the beginning of the school year Chad moved down to N. Carolina with his parents. He didn’t like it there and then there was the fact that April was pregnant. His parents agreed to let him come back up and live with his brother. Well, things aren’t all too great there, basically it’s the brothers girlfriend. Chad’s mother came back up to take him back down to N. Carolina. However, Chad’s counsellor did suggest he stay up here if he had a better place to stay. His reasons were legit for Chad’s mother. Chad’s school last semester got really screwed up with being up here, then moving south, then coming back. And then there is the fact that Chad’s daughter will be born in a few months.

His mother and I talked for quite awhile on Tuesday. Everything is worked out. Andrew is leaving for Spain tomorrow, so I guess Chad will be hanging out at another friends house until Andrew comes home. He’ll feel a bit ackward with Andrew not being here, right off the bat. Which is understandable. I sent Andrew to school today with a house key for Chad. I told him to tell him, he is more than welcome to come over during the time Andrew is gone. I reminded him that I will be gone to work from 6am to about 8pm over the weekend, so he might enjoy the house to himself.

Both Chad’s mother and I expressed to the boys how they will also need to separate from each other once in awhile. Oh, they will probably fight like brothers now and then. Eli said it’s gonna be like he has another brother. I reminded him TO BE NICE TO CHAD!!

I really want Chad to feel at home. One concern is he doesn’t have a bed. His mom is going to get him an air mattress for now. Andrew has been wanting a futon, so we are looking into them. My thought is IF we get the moola from the government, I’ll get a bunk bed with a futon on the bottom. Andrew said that would be cool.

Chad has to improve his grades by the next progress report (’bout mid March) or he’s going back down to N. Carolina. So, that’s my goal, remind him about his homework. I’m kinda excited, I do really like him.

It’s funny because a while ago I was talking to my mom. I started telling her how worried I was about him. I told her I knew what she was going to say to me, “Don’t you think you have enough to worry about than to worry about him too!” She chuckled, and you could tell she was worried about him too. She really likes him as well. He actually calls her Grandma too, actually all of Andrew’s friends do. And when I told her that he was moving in, she didn’t seem upset at me. I somewhat expected her to tell me it wasn’t a good idea. I guess she feels like I do, atleast I can try, if it doesn’t work out….I tried.

Andrew wrote up a list of rules for Chad. Some are quite funny. Keep in mind as you read, these are teenage boys!

1-NO keeping me up at night

2-No messing with my stuff

3-No leaving without telling me or Mom

4-Must listen to EVERYTHING Mom says -(I think Andrew needs to practice this one!)

5-No girlfriends over

6-Suicide is NOT an option (I don’t think living at my home will be THAT BAD!)

7-No pleasing yourself in the house. GO TO YOUR CAR!!

8-If previous rule is broken, computer security will be enabled

9-Respect my room, our closets are smaller than J***’s (Chad basically had a pantry for a room at his brothers.)

10-No phone sex too! No one wants to hear it!

11-Must have equal rights to video games, TV etc.

12-Must do homework, no tricks, we’ll be watching you!

13-No sneaking out! Privileges will be taken away, such as a bed and warm blankies.

14-No b*tching ALL DAY!

15-You shower first, must be done by 6:50.

16-Must give me rides to school.

17-April is my friend, treat her good! -Inspired by April

18-No skipping school or getting ticked off and leaving.

19-Breaking of rules will invoke consequences

20-More rules may be added when needed

We all had a pretty good laugh. Some are quite appropriate though, makes me wonder why Andrew doesn’t always follow them!

Well, I’m off to the grocery store! WOW TWO TEENAGERS TO FEED NOW! Wonder if I have enough cupboard space!

Excepting the past

I feel that I have a conclusion to my adoption story. I feel that I am satisfied as to why things went the way they did.

For me, I believe I had to go through the “loss” of PooWee to really respect mothering him. I find in stressful times, when a parent feels like pulling their hair out, I tend to just hold him and be thankful I have him. I feel my tolerance level is so much higher than it was in the past.

I have the energy to do all that we do and take care of a 16 year old, 9 year old and an 11 month old all on my own. A task I saw impossible one year ago. They all have their necessities and then some, they are fed, sometime all at different times too, and I get quality time with each. I’m actually kinda impressed with myself.

I have three awesome sons, whom I completely adore. They are true brothers. They get along great one minute and the next they are in an argument. Yes, PooWee has even yelled and hit at the older boys. Mainly, because they have taken something away from him.

Andrew and Elijah have been fabulous big brothers. They help me out with PooWee, so I can make supper, take a shower or even run to the store.

Andrew is showing me what a wonderful father he will be someday. He’s been more help then I had ever expected. Many time he has carried PooWee without me asking, or grabbed all the bags from the car so I could carry PooWee.

Elijah enjoys helping with bathtime, getting PooWee dressed and has even changed more diapers than I ever expected.

PooWee’s eye light up at the sight of his brothers. The rock his world. He stands at each of their bedroom doors and just watches them do their “thing” in their rooms. He has shown his disappointment many times when one of them have walked out the door to go someplace without him.

No, PooWee may not have his own room, but he doesn’t seem to mind sharing with me. Elijah can’t wait to share his lower bunk with him. No, his father does not live with us, but he is apart of his life and their own quality time together. Yes, PooWee is alot to care for as any baby, but I’m handling it just fine and I have an awesome support team. No, I don’t have as much money as J & P have. However, I make ends meet. Andrew and Elijah have not shown any dissappointment in the loss of extra stuff, for they have gained a brother. I do receive some daycare assistance, but I know there will be a time I won’t need it anymore. Yes, things can get stressful, but he is always a reminder to cherish every moment because, I ALMOST didn’t have him.

I also look at J & P’s experience. Though it took til now to see why they went through what they did, there were reasons for them to go through it as well. I don’t like the fact that I am the one that gave them the pain, but I really can’t do anything about it, but accept what had to be done.

J and I use to joke that I should carry twins for her. She always wanted twins. LOOK she got her twins. She apparently is very happy. She will make a good mother to her boys, and P a good father.

J had told me she wouldn’t go through an open adoption with anyone except me. (As I said many times before, I feel she would have closed it though.) Well, she’s got her closed adoption. I hope she will teach the boys of their heritage and speak respectful words of their other mother though.

She also said she wanted a newborn baby. Well, she had one for two weeks, I gave her the closest experience she could ever have to pregnancy and birth without being pregnant herself. I wish I could just do all over, and live my pregnancy and delivery the way I would have, but I can’t dwell on the past.

Maybe they had to go through  the turmoil of a failed newborn domestic adoption to get the twins that needed them more than PooWee did. Maybe they too, have more tolerance, for raising twins has got to be alot harder. Perhaps they had to undergo their pain to appreciate the gift of a family as well. These boys needed J & P to be their parents. The twins were in the orphanage waiting for J & P while I was pregnant. If I had gone through with the adoption, would they still be waiting for parents?

I don’t have all the answers I only have my own thoughts. I feel comfortable with my reasoning now though. In life we all suffer pain at one time or another. We can either except the pain or fight it. I’m beginning to except my pain. I’m beginning to understand why J & P had to go through their pain. I believe it’s become easier now that J & P have their children.  Now, that they have their dream, maybe I don’t feel as guilty for taking that dream away.

Someday, I do wish we could all just set our anger to the side and move on. Anger is a strong emotion that I do not like carrying with me. I find my anger is getting lighter as time goes on. I’m learning from what went wrong, I’ve made mistakes and so have they. 

I’ve learnt that my adoption experience has affected my life. It’s made me appreciate my boys more than ever. It’s made me drive to make adoption better for the future. so, if there’s ever anything I can do or should be doing, please allow me to help.