Excepting the past

I feel that I have a conclusion to my adoption story. I feel that I am satisfied as to why things went the way they did.

For me, I believe I had to go through the “loss” of PooWee to really respect mothering him. I find in stressful times, when a parent feels like pulling their hair out, I tend to just hold him and be thankful I have him. I feel my tolerance level is so much higher than it was in the past.

I have the energy to do all that we do and take care of a 16 year old, 9 year old and an 11 month old all on my own. A task I saw impossible one year ago. They all have their necessities and then some, they are fed, sometime all at different times too, and I get quality time with each. I’m actually kinda impressed with myself.

I have three awesome sons, whom I completely adore. They are true brothers. They get along great one minute and the next they are in an argument. Yes, PooWee has even yelled and hit at the older boys. Mainly, because they have taken something away from him.

Andrew and Elijah have been fabulous big brothers. They help me out with PooWee, so I can make supper, take a shower or even run to the store.

Andrew is showing me what a wonderful father he will be someday. He’s been more help then I had ever expected. Many time he has carried PooWee without me asking, or grabbed all the bags from the car so I could carry PooWee.

Elijah enjoys helping with bathtime, getting PooWee dressed and has even changed more diapers than I ever expected.

PooWee’s eye light up at the sight of his brothers. The rock his world. He stands at each of their bedroom doors and just watches them do their “thing” in their rooms. He has shown his disappointment many times when one of them have walked out the door to go someplace without him.

No, PooWee may not have his own room, but he doesn’t seem to mind sharing with me. Elijah can’t wait to share his lower bunk with him. No, his father does not live with us, but he is apart of his life and their own quality time together. Yes, PooWee is alot to care for as any baby, but I’m handling it just fine and I have an awesome support team. No, I don’t have as much money as J & P have. However, I make ends meet. Andrew and Elijah have not shown any dissappointment in the loss of extra stuff, for they have gained a brother. I do receive some daycare assistance, but I know there will be a time I won’t need it anymore. Yes, things can get stressful, but he is always a reminder to cherish every moment because, I ALMOST didn’t have him.

I also look at J & P’s experience. Though it took til now to see why they went through what they did, there were reasons for them to go through it as well. I don’t like the fact that I am the one that gave them the pain, but I really can’t do anything about it, but accept what had to be done.

J and I use to joke that I should carry twins for her. She always wanted twins. LOOK she got her twins. She apparently is very happy. She will make a good mother to her boys, and P a good father.

J had told me she wouldn’t go through an open adoption with anyone except me. (As I said many times before, I feel she would have closed it though.) Well, she’s got her closed adoption. I hope she will teach the boys of their heritage and speak respectful words of their other mother though.

She also said she wanted a newborn baby. Well, she had one for two weeks, I gave her the closest experience she could ever have to pregnancy and birth without being pregnant herself. I wish I could just do all over, and live my pregnancy and delivery the way I would have, but I can’t dwell on the past.

Maybe they had to go through  the turmoil of a failed newborn domestic adoption to get the twins that needed them more than PooWee did. Maybe they too, have more tolerance, for raising twins has got to be alot harder. Perhaps they had to undergo their pain to appreciate the gift of a family as well. These boys needed J & P to be their parents. The twins were in the orphanage waiting for J & P while I was pregnant. If I had gone through with the adoption, would they still be waiting for parents?

I don’t have all the answers I only have my own thoughts. I feel comfortable with my reasoning now though. In life we all suffer pain at one time or another. We can either except the pain or fight it. I’m beginning to except my pain. I’m beginning to understand why J & P had to go through their pain. I believe it’s become easier now that J & P have their children.  Now, that they have their dream, maybe I don’t feel as guilty for taking that dream away.

Someday, I do wish we could all just set our anger to the side and move on. Anger is a strong emotion that I do not like carrying with me. I find my anger is getting lighter as time goes on. I’m learning from what went wrong, I’ve made mistakes and so have they. 

I’ve learnt that my adoption experience has affected my life. It’s made me appreciate my boys more than ever. It’s made me drive to make adoption better for the future. so, if there’s ever anything I can do or should be doing, please allow me to help.

Weekend update

Ruff weekend emotionally. Our 16yr old boy, went down hill on Sat. Rushed him off to OR for another craniotomy. They actually had to take out part of his skull so his brain could swell out more.

I sat down by my friend/co-worker and said, “You know how I’ve told you how much pain I was in when PooWee was with J. How it was the worst pain in my entire life and I could think of anything being worse?” She remembered. “Well, that mother over there, (pointed to this boy’s mother) is in worse pain than I was. To sit there and not know whether or not you child was going to live or die, has got to be the WORST pain there is.”

I was then on my “run” to pick us all up lunch and saw this mother in the waiting room. I didn’t know what to do, so I went on my way. The whole time feeling horrible. What could I say to her, how could I help, was there anything I could do?

When I went to get a soda for lunch, she was still sitting there. I turned to her and asked her if there was anything I could get her. “My son!” she replied as she slung onto his photo. Her answer was no surprise, of course that what she wants, but I couldn’t give that to her. I told that I didn’t know what to say to her, how I can’t imagine what she is going through. She kept saying she was going to take her son home. She’d ask me if he was going to be alright. I really didn’t know. Truthfully, I’ve seen others in his shoes, some die, and some live. I told her I was just a Unit Clerk, I didn’t know all that the nurses knew. And then out of the blue I told her that I had a 9 month old son, that I almost gave up for adoption. And for 2 weeks I experienced the worse pain in my life. I told her what I told my co-worker, that I realized there was a greater pain and it was the pain she was going through. I said I didn’t know what I would do if I were in her shoes. She stood up and we hugged each other. I said I was able to bring my son home and I hoped she would bring her son home too. “I am going to bring my son home, he’s coming home.” I told her her we were all praying and thinking of them. I asked if she would like a chaplain to sit with them, just to talk and keep them company.

After many hours he came out of surgery and his pressures and sats were much improved. She now somewhat wore a smile. She was relieved, he made it through yet another surgery. As I walked past once, she gave me a thumbs up. She has such a positive look out, I pray she takes her child home.

When PooWee was with J & P it was the most horrible pain, however I knew he was OK. I saw him quite a few times and called every single day.I can’t imagine not knowing how your child is going to be. Will he/she live or die. How do mothers feel that are in closed adoptions? Man!-that must be hard. Or even open ones, where there is months in between communication. I remember thinking of how my time was running out. My court date was coming sooner and sooner and I knew I wasn’t going to have the freedom to just pick up the phone and say, I wanna see PooWee today. I strongly feel J was going to close the adoption. Through pregnancy she would talk how PooWee would always know about me and his brothers. Then after birth it changed to, “when he’s old enough.” What’s with that? “When he’s old enough!” A newborn can be told lots of things and these words can be carried on to just become part of his life. When J said those words, I knew, I knew I was going to be “invisible” for quite some time.

Well, I MUST clean today. What a mess my apartment has become. I have major phone calls to make. Poops won a free week of martial arts lessons, gotta find out when to do that. I KNOW this is going to lead to him wanting lessons, it’s all a trick. Yet, I see where they could be very beneficial for him. Guess we’ll have to see how much they will take from my checking account! I wanna give Mag a jingle and arrange time to take PooWee’s out grown clothes and toys to her. I have to yack with my mom yet, we talk atleast 3-4 times a day. She’s truly my best friend.

One more thing! Andorable and Poops do not like me using these nicknames. They have asked that I reveal their REAL names. Soooo…….(drum roll….

Andorable is Andrew. His father actually named him. We had an agreement if it was a boy he picked the name and a girl I got to. Andrew said he was happy he was a boy because he doesn’t like what my girl name was. At the time I had picked Samantha, however if I were to gave a girl today, I’d have a different name. (Though I don’t know what it would be.)

Poops, he’s got many other names, there’s E-man, J-babes, Jah-babes, Wild-n-Crazy Maniac, but his true name is Elijah. His father and I knew early on that if I had a boy, this was the name. I don’t recall who thought of it, but it was ONE thing we agreed on.

As for PooWee, well, I wanna tell ya his name, yet I think it should be up to him. His name is really cool. Poops Elijah and I decided on it. His middle name is my fathers name, which is so special to me. My father passed away 5 yrs ago. Plus, I strongly think my dad had ALOT to do with my “waking up” and bring PooWees home. He NEVER would have agreed with an adoption. We’ll see though, who knows maybe someday I’ll tell ya. I will say his name means, “The one God loves.” Alot of people have never heard it. One person, said they knew of a lil girl with the same name.

Anyways, off to my Monday chores!

Wednesdays thoughts

Poops was happy with his birthday. G-ma Marcy, Uncle Stevie, my friend Ann (AKA Annabanana) and I all celebrated with him. We went out for pizza, handed him a roll of quarters to play video games and his eyes popped out of his head. He NEVER got that many quarters before! I went with the 50 dollar bill-he loved it! As soon as we were done with pizza we of course had to head off to WalMart, so he could spend all his birthday money. He bought Guitar Hero, am I surprised-NOPE! The remainder of ching will go into his savings.

There’s no school today so Andorable is going to hang out with him for a few hours today. Poops will LOVE that. I think they may hit a movie or go bowling.

I’m going to head outside, rack up some leaves and throw PooWee in them for some 9 month photos. My camera however didn’t work last night for Poop’s Birthday, so I have to monkey with it. Cross your fingers I can get it to work.

Poops has AWANAs tonight. It’s a Bible class, he has lots of fun.

Other than that today isn’t too eventful. Maybe I can actually get to some knitting done. We all have some cleaning to do, we are all stalling though. Who wants to clean?

I’ve gotta go through PooWee’s clothes and toys. I think it’s time to get rid of his play mat, he doesn’t use it anymore, his baby bath tub hasn’t been used for ages his bouncy seat and then there’s clothes that are too small.

So sad, it tears me apart to see him grow into a big boy. But, of course, it’s so awesome to watch him accomplish new tasks. His last one is figuring out he can put his blocks into the hole of his toy. We’ve been working on that for a while, he always just wanted someone else to do it. Now he does it and then claps.

I’ve been giving PooWee’s outgrown clothes to Mag in hopes that someday they will go to a mother like myself. It was very difficult to go out and buy EVERYTHING needed for my son within hours. I hope I will be-able to take that stress away from another mother that decides to parent.

I like to give and it feels good to help others in need. I can’t make cash donations, so this is my way of giving. Mag always seems to find away to give back to me too then. A few weeks ago she stopped over and gave me 3 packages of diapers, diaper wipes, 2 onsies, 2 packs of socks, a toy and a hand knit cap for PooWee. It’s karma. Who could turn down FREE diapers?

I have such mixed feelings about Mag. I see where during my adoption process she could have been different, but she did help me bring him home. In the beginning she asked what she could have done differently. At the time I really didn’t know, now I do. Do I tell her what I have come to realize, or do I just leave it. I think I should tell her, it may benefit others down the road.

Do I tell her, “When an expectant mother says I would like my child to have two parents”, don’t give her a half smile and nod your head. But, tell her yes, it’s a nice thought, but keep in mind they may not always be together. If the expectant mother says, “I don’t want to be on assistance again, I worked hard to get off of it.” Here too, don’t give that look of acceptance, but tell her assistance isn’t forever. She seemed to agree with all my excuses for the adoption. But, yes in the end she told straight out, “You are the best choice for your son.” Is this what she felt all along, but just “played the game”? I’ve thought about telling her of this blog. Am I too harsh on her though? I do love her. She could tell me that she’s done with me, but she calls periodically to see how we’re doing, and seems to still care. I hold a special spot in my heart for her too.

Thought about writing her a separate letter on what could have been different. I think I would be better to write to her than a face to face. I’m just not that good at communicating verbally.

I do think I should tell her how things could have been different. Hey-I may actually have an adoption counselor right in front of me that may be willing to here where change needs to happen. I should take advantage of that for all future mothers that are sitting in her office. - RIGHT?! It would also may good of my situation, which in the long run…if I can help others with my “trauma” then it would make my pain easier to except.

Alright, Andorable wants me to take him to the bank to open a checking account. Man! What a responsible young adult he is turning out to be. Seems like just yesterday, he was bring his Mickey Mouse books over to me saying, “Eed Momma Eed, peeeeeees!”

Reminiscing

I don’t think the School Forest has changed abit since I was last there in 6th grade.  As soon as we walked into the main lodge I could smell the deer they dissected way back then. I remember the day, I sat way in back with my head buried in my arms. My teacher tapped on my shoulder numerous of times telling me to pay attention. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know what a deer’s heart, liver, kidney, or intestines looked like. I only wanted to see them running through the fields, playing, or eating the green grass. And oh that smell, that smell came back to me as I entered the lodge.

Then off to the basement, here is the museum. A museum filled with animals stuffed with foam or in jars. Nothing has moved, I don’t think any new ones have been added either. And there sat the eight legged deer. The School Forest’s pride and joy. I looked at it once again. It is believed the fawn died at birth. There’s legs coming out all over. And then I decided - yeah, it’s just kinda creepy looking at an eight legged deer in a jar.

The cabins still had that musty smell. looked the same, though now they have an intercom system.

The toboggan run was still in working condition. The run goes over the lake at the bottom of the hill.  I remember the one ride that took my 2 friends and I to the wet, melting ice. We were soaked, drenched with freezing water. The counselors ran us up to the cabins and tore off our clothes to get us warm. Then the run was shut down for the rest of our stay.

And there was the repelling wall, one of those experiences where you are scared to death and then when you are done, you wanna go back for more. The thing is still standing, and in 3 years Poops will be able to hike up the stairs and jump  the edge, as Andorable did 5 yrs ago and I too many years ago.

It was a nice Family Field Trip night. Poops excitement grew for his time at the School Forest. And I got to reminisce my childhood abit. PooWee enjoyed the experience as well. There were lots of little girls that thought he was the cutest thing in the world. So of course PooWee flirted like crazy and fell fast asleep on the bus ride home.

Good news! Poops finally got to take the addition test in large print format. He did all 100 problems in 6 minutes and 47 seconds! AND had them all right!! He is still abit upset that it was his fourth time though. I explained that his teacher will take in consideration that he couldn’t see the other test very well and I’m sure they won’t really count them. I guess he is the first one in the class to finish all 100 correct and under the 10 min limit. That’s my boy!

Andorable went to homecoming this past weekend with his new girlfriend. I have yet to meet her, but say a picture. She’s beautiful. I’m begging him for a copy, so I can post it here to show him off. He’s not too cooperative though. He treats his girlfriend, so well. I like to encourage him to tell them how nice they look, open the doors for them and all that stuff that make us women melt. He’s very respectful and I’m so proud of him as well.

Kinda crazy to think that at his age I was pregnant with him. I was a wild child and didn’t care much about anything but myself. I snuck out of the house, skipped school, even ran away to California. (I live in Wisconsin.) Andorable, he’s the opposite. Hates missing school, only because then he has more homework, has awesome grades, and is on the right track. He plans on going to college, though is still not sure what he wants to do. He’s got time yet, I tell him, but it frustrates him.

I’ve always say that getting pregnant with Andorable saved my life. I changed my life around, I now had a life to take care of. I did end up dropping out of school and getting a factory job, but, I supported my son and I 100%. He has learnt from my mistakes. He ROCKS!

I sewed the zipper onto my baby sweater. Just as I was about to remove my basting stitches and pins I did a test “run”. Only to find out I HAD THE WRONG TYPE OF ZIPPER! The zipper I put on has a stopper at the end, I need one that will open. I then experienced one of my moments where I wanted to scream, shout, curse and throw a BIG fit. However, I choose to simple toss the sweater on my pile of UFOs (unfinished objects) and simple laugh.

                                                    

So, the sweater will wait awhile longer. Until I decide to carefully, take out my sewing stitches, and  pray I don’t accidently cut any knitted stiches. Oh, how much I love to knit!

Yick-Thursday!

Yesturday was a nice relaxing day. PooWee played, I got laundry, dishes and floors done. And found some time to knit.

                            

Last night was a quite night at home for PooWee and I.  Poop went off to a Bible class and Andorable was hanging with some friends. My friend Ann stopped over during tubby time. Of course PooWee showed off his splashing skills. After Ann left PooWee and I read some books, and prepared for bed. Then just as it was bedtime this is what happened…

    

YEP-AIRPLANE RIDES!!!! Courtesy, of the one and only Andorable! YYYAAEE they are so much FUN!!!

This morning PooWee and I headed to good ol’ WalMart for some child gates. Andorable and Poops have been keeping their doors closed. And poor PooWee just cries when they go in and the door gets closed on him. They both wanted gates, because they felt so bad. Now PooWee can look in on them. Plus Poops has rabbits and guinea pigs that PooWee LOVES to watch. Now he can! Poops also has a turle and a hermit crab! YES-he LOVES animals and takes good care of them! Wants to be a vet.

                            

Today, I must pay all those bills I’ve been neglecting. I don’t like paying bills. They take all my money - I’m HORRIBLE at waiting til the last minute. It’s sooo STUPID of me, I’ll have the money, not spend it, but don’t pay til they are due! BAD HABIT! But, then again it feels good to be ABLE to pay my bills. HHMMM-better way of looking at them!

I made PooWee a lil braclet today. Kinda cute. He really hasn’t noticed it yet.

                   

I don’t care for Thursdays too much. They mean I have to go to work tomorrow. This weekend is going to SUCK too. I have one weekend a month that I have to work with the 3 people that have a HUGE issue with me keeping Poops. And well, this is the weekend. Their rude and VERY HARD to work with. I don’t care if they like me or not, but THEY HAVE TO WORK WITH ME! And they don’t “play in the sandbox” with me very well. I’ll tell them they have a phone call and they don’t respond back, so I don’t know if they heard me or not. One of them will let the call ring back a few times, even though I know she heard me. That is bad customer service. Once she even yelled at me in front of a patient’s visitor that I never told her. The visitor was awesome and said, “Sure, she did. You rolled your eyes when she told you! You knew!”  These three honestly love to sit back and talk about me-n-all. It’s actually rather funny and childish if you ask me! Oh well, I’ll do as I usually do….go, do my job, and BE PROUD OF MY CHOICE!

Their done!

PooWee’s Jester Booties are done! Cute-aren’t they? They are still big on him, but he loves them. Next are the Surf boots.

      

Hey look at that - I just noticed Poops put the couch cushions on backwards after practicing his head stands last night! Ha!

The baby sweater for my friend will get it’s zipper put on today. I work with her this weekend so I really want to get it to her.

Powee’s Donkey sweater is ready for the liner sleeves, hopefully I will get a start on those today as well.

And I started a Dragon hat for a Pharmisist friend at work. She gave me some organic baby food, that her son refused to eat anymore. He’s a big guy now and eats what Mommy and Daddy eat! She refused to take money for it, so I promised a new knitted hat. Poops had this hat when he was younger and wore it for years. It was his all time favorite! Gonna try to complete that by this weekend too.

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Badger-Knitwear-Projects-Toddlers/dp/1561584142

Sure looks like I have alot of knitting to do. Who wants to do dishes when ya could knit! Figure, I’m stuck home today anyways, so why not just sit around and knit! Andorable took the car to school. His cross cuntry practice is out at 9 mile park, this way I don’t have to run him all the way out there and then go back to get him when practice is done. 9 mile is out a ways. Good ol’ G-ma took Poops to school and will pick him up for me.

PooWee had a ruff night last night. He didn’t wanna nurse he just wanted to rock. So I spend alot of time “sleeping” in the rocking chair. I am fortunate he only had maybe 4-5 nights like this. Though, they somewhat suck, I treasure them too. What better feeling than having your child all snuggled up on your chest, signing to him, rocking him, and comforting him in time of need. I love having his head on my shoulder with his arm on the other. We hug each other and he falls fast to sleep. When I did get him in his crib I just had to snap this pic. He is just too darn cute for words.

  AAAWWW-I just love him sooo much. - As all my boys!

Tomorrow evening I have 2 meetings to goto, both for Poop’s school, both at the same time, but different locations.

The one I am NOT going to goto is at his school, concerning their reading program. The kids read for a certain time each night and after so many they get prizes, leading up to a T-shirt at the end. Poops earnd the T-shirt last year, even though he was there for only 1/2 the year. I guess some kids that were there didn’t even get 1/2 that far. It’s only 15 min. a night, why don’t parents encourage this? Poops goal is to be the first one to complete the program. He’s upset I’m not going to this meeting, but I’ll get info from school on it.

The meeting I am going to is a district wide meeting for parents who have children in the Gifted and Talented program. Poops earned his way into the program last year. I’m curious to know how they are going to “challenge” him. Seeing last year I was upset, he wasn’t being challenged enough. Most of the stuff they were covering in math and other areas we had already covered in homeschool. I kinda feel like the end of his school year was a waste.

This year has somewhat upset me already. Do to his visual impairment, he does need some specialized equipment, papers, maybe even treatment. For example, they are taking an additions test with 100 problems, they have 10 min. to do it. Well, all 100 problems are on 1 page and small font for him. Mind you he needs things to be magnified 7 times the actual size. Well, the first time he was upset he only got 84 of them done. All were right too! He said they were hard for him to see. He needs to strain his eyes and sfocus more than the norm. His Special Needs papers specifically say he additional time on timed tests. HHMMMM why didn’t he. His Visual Impaired (VI) teacher came to visit and Poops discussed this test with her. She did see the need for change and talked with Poop’s teacher about 1 giving him an additional 7 min. or enlarging the font for him. Cool! Well, the 2nd time he took the test -no change! I took it upon myself to copy the test in larger font and send it to school. 3rd time test was taken and STILL NO CHANGE!!! I EVEN MADE A TEST FOR THEM!!! GGRRRR!! 

Then they do reading groups. They get to sit anywhere in the class room and read together. Well, Poop’s group as yet to sit by his CCTV. Poop’s doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to upset his teacher. But HE NEEDS TO BE BY HIS CCTV. It’s VERY dificult for him to read the font in books. He reads very slowly and strains his eye. Ya would think the teacher would know this after much discussion already on his visual needs.

Then there’s how I was told the school needed to provide EVERYTHING he needed outside the norm for his educational needs. This including special paper and erasable pens instead of pencils. Well, if I hadn’t gone about it myself to purchase these items for school, I’m not sure he’d have them yet.

His mobility specialist is going to bring him a minocular. (Like Binoculars, but for only one eye) This is for watching movies and seeing assemblies-n- such. Well, here we are on the fourth week of school and he just found out he will be getting this NEXT month. So, he needs to watch, or should I say basically just listen to videos, and miss the viewing of assemblies for 2 months.

The school told me last year that everything will be in place for this year. I’m upset because they don’t seem to be. But, when do I say something. I don’t want to sound like a whining parent. Not sure when or even how to voice my concerns. And then to who? His classroom teacher, the VI teacher, Special Ed. teacher, or the principle? I’m thinking about emailing his teacher today. Sigh! - I just want him to get what he needs.

Andorable’s dad is buying him a car. Will be nice not to have to “share” mine. Though we are “fighting” over who gets the garage. I GET IT!-Right! I did my time scrapping snow off my cars when I didn’t have a garage. He thinks he should get it, because his car will be older and will need to stay as “warm” as possible in the winter for it to start. He’s good isn’t he! I told him whoever needs to leave the house first parks outside because then we don’t need to play switch-a-roo with the vehicles in the mornings. (Good point-right!) Well, he came back with that wasn’t fair because he leaves earlie than I do most days! SOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Mom wins - side with me here! PLEAS!!!!! I HATE scrapping my car in the early winter below 0 weather! Actually, I HATE WINTER!!!!!

Well, PooWee is need of some playtime. He thinks he can help me type. I think NOT!!!