Archive for adoption

Change

September 16, 2009 · Filed under Andrew, Blind, Elijah, Family, My Boys, Parenting, PooWee, adoption, life, me, visually impaired, whining, work

I just shared my blog address with my niece. HI BROOKE!!! :)

It’s made me think of the change my blog has gone through.

Initially it started out as a blog about my boys. But, mainly about PooWee. About the most painful time of my life. A time that I think of daily. A time that I still cry about to this day. A time when no one in my real life understood me. No one knew what I was feeling. How could I still be in so much pain when I had my PooWee in my arms. I had decided to parent him. Nobody IRL understood my pain. 

But, with this blog…strangers helped me through that period in my life. Strangers reached me with their comments and especially their ((HUGS))! I am forever grateful to you all, and you know who you are! I’m not sure I would be as stable as I am now with my adoption experience if it weren’t for you guys! Honestly…I’ll NEVER forget you! 

Now, it seems to be turning into a blog about … my Elijah! (With some mentionhere and there about the rest of us.:) )It’s quit apparent there is tons to say about him. I’ll say it as I always do…I always seem to be talking about Elijah, because there is always something to say about him. I could talk forever about his accomplishments or defeats. He trucks on though, whatever is handed to him in life.

We started learning about Eli’s vision when PooWee was a few months old. It’s been about 2 1/2 years now. I still feel somewhat “dumb” when it comes to what to do for him. Who do I listen to, where do I go to ask about something. New things pop into my head everyday. Someone will suggest something else. My brain just gets so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do.

As with all my boys, I want them to have the world. I can’t give them the world. It’s not mine to give.

I want my boys to live a healthy fulfilling life. I don’t care if they are doctors or a sales clerk. If they are happy and fulfilled with what they are doing, I’ll be happy. I want them to appreciate the small things and feel grateful for the big things.

I get sad when Andrew says I baby Eli. Honestly, I don’t think I do. He just needs more of me. He has more and different needs in life. Andrew hasn’t grasped that concept yet. Instead he remembers walking to school all by himself in 5th grade. Then looks at Eli who can’t step outside by himself, because he fears something bad will happen to him. I try to keep in mind that though Andrew is an adult, he still is a kid. He’s a fresh 18 year old that still holds on to the teen attitude. He’ll “get it” later…right?!

I think things would be different had Andrew grown up with Eli having the blindness since birth. PooWee…it’s normal to him. If Eli is taking up most of the TV or computer screen, PooWee just looks at the area Eli has left for him. (Usually Eli doesn’t even realize he’s “hogging” the screen. Once you ask him to step over, he does so with no problem.) PooWee knows Eli’s eyes aren’t good. We tell him that Eli has sick eyes. That he can’t see good. PooWee points at them and says, “OOOWWWEEE eyes.”

PooWee loves Eli’s white cane. He’s pretty good at tapping it as he walks too. But, he also knows that when Eli is using it, his hands stay off of it. He doesn’t quite realize that when Eli places a hand on his shoulder that he’s guiding him in the dark. Instead PooWee thinks he wants something and says, “What Ah-Wah?” or “No, let go!” That’ll all come in time. He’s learning as he grows. And with that learning he’s accepting Eli’s blindness.

I’m not exactly sure where I wanted this post to go or where it’s actually headed. I assume I was thinking of how life changes. Whether it’s a small change or a large change…life changes.

Not only did I give my niece my address, but like a handful of other people I know. I somewhat feel exposed now. What will they think after reading all my babble? That I truly am the fruitcake they know in real life!! :)

I think I’m longing for a huge change in my real life. I always wanted to move to warmer weather (like WAY down south) when Andrew graduated high school.

Now, I say I can’t take Eli away from his vision teacher as he has grown very fond of them. He loves them, I know he does. Which in return make me love them even more.

I’ve been pondering the idea again though. Just not WAY down there! Perhaps an hour or two from here.

I’m run down on my job. Been there nine years. I’ve disliked it for nine years. Especially haven’t been able to stand it for the past 2 1/2 years. (We won’t even go there!) I want something new! Something challenging. Like assisting in saving a life isn’t challenging enough. Ha! It’s just seems to be the same ol’ same ol’ thing. Don’t get me wrong, I know what I do is important. I’m there for the doctors and nurses so they can be in by the patient’s. It’s just that someone else can do too. It doesn’t have to be me. I want to move on.

BUT…where am I going to go? WHAT…am I going to do?

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Revocation Period

April 27, 2009 · Filed under adoption

As I’m wandering an adoption forum this morning, I’ve come across a post of a prospective adoptive parent that needs to return the baby girls she planned on adopting.

The Temporary Termination of Right’s was signed, BUT full Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) was not scheduled until court on Thurs. May 10th.

This particular person is complaining about the rights of prospective adoptive parents and how they can just take “her” baby away.

Now, I strongly feel this lady’s pain! I do feel the pain will be like a death to her. I fully do have sorrow for her. BUT, did she NOT read the papers before she signed her name to the agreement? She knew there may be a chance she would have to give back the child. SHE KNEW IT and she still signed the papers.She took as risk. Things don’t allows turn out in our favor.

I also understand that wanting a child bad enough that you sign those papers. But, you truly can not then turn around and cry that your rights have been violated. I’m sorry, it seems so irrational to me, perhaps because I am on the other end of the scope.

Protection for adoptive parents, you have the right not to agree to an arrangement where the mother and/or father have the right to claim their child back after a certain time frame.

Protection for mother and father of the child…that time frame is our protection. We have a short period of time (in some states) that allows us to reevaluate what is right for ourselves and our child.

PooWee is with me today, ONLY because I was allowed time…time to focus on what truly was right. And for that time, I am truly grateful. Words can not express how thankful I am for that time. I am parenting my son because of TIME. AMEN!

*I can already foresee a battle on this post. So I warn you ahead of time..Don’t even think about getting nasty on my blog. This is my place to vent, sort through my feelings or whatever I deem necessary. All comments will be reviewed prior to posting and the delete button is not hard to hit*

I’m not trying to down play an adoptive parent’s role here. As I stated before I do understand the pain this lady is going through. I WAS THERE! I WAS WITHOUT MY SON! Mothers that have relinguished their child(ren) know this pain as well.

You just can’t go into ANY situation without know the good and bad of it. I went into my adoption plan with only the “good” in mind. I found out FAST what the bad was going to be. I blindsided myself big time, and saw nothing but “sunshine and roses”. My neglect to look at reality did cause J & P a TREMENDOUS amount of pain. To this day I regret what I did to them, but I do NOT regret using my right to get my son back! NOT FOR ONE SECOND!

ETA: After going back and looking a little closer at this poster’s profile, I found it interesting that she has Open Adoption Turned to Closed Adoption as an interest. HHHMMM-was she planning an open, only to close it on the childs parents? If that was her intent…OH I won’teven go there! If it wasn’t her intent…then I apologize for thinking it is.

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Two Adoption Books

April 27, 2009 · Filed under Elijah, Family, PooWee, adoption, life, me

I don’t really write about my adoption story much anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever think back to the horrendously painful time in my life. I still read plenty of adoption related blog, written by all members of the triad. I continue to venture to forums on adoption.

I wonder why I let adoption continue to be a part of my life today, over two years later.  I realize that adoption was apart of my life at one time, but I wish it would just go away.

Perhaps, it’s because I do still think about what happened to us. Perhaps its because I still cry when I think of almost losing my Poo-Wee to adoption.  Maybe it’s because I am still face dealing with those people at work that still think I’m a horrible person for for parenting my son. Or could it be because J and I still cross paths at work, as I’m leaving she’s coming in or vise versa.

While in the early stages of my pregnancy J gave me a book to read. The book…

“Dear Birthmother” by Kathleen Sipler It’s a book about open adoption, containing letters from adoptive parents to the birthmother of their child(ren). Of course it only contains the positves.

Oh the SELFLESS act of the birthmother, how she loved her child so much and did what was best. (puke!) We’ve all heard it time and time again, whether it was from a book, a letter or a person saying it to you. I know I had plenty people say to me, how selfless I was for giving J & P my child.

Why is it that when an expectant mother makes an adoption plan she all of a sudden turns into the most beautiful, selfless, person in the world? Perhaps, she was this type of person BEFORE becoming pregnant. Wouldn’t this make any expectant mother that plans on raising her child selfish?

I’M NOT SELFISH BECAUSE I DECIDED TO PARENT MY SON(S)!

I despise this book. I most definitely do not feel it is an appropriate book for an expectant mother. I think it could almost be viewed as coercive. Though, I don’t feel J meant it to be for me. She hadn’t read the book, nor was she very educated on adoption.

Recently, I read a blog entry on this book. Written by Cassi at Adoption Truth. As I read her post,  I felt sick to my stomach. Recalling the ill taste of this book. Head over there and read the post.  It’s a bad book, but an excellent post on it. (Her blog is as excellent. Read her whole story.)

When I packed up everything J & P had given me to return to them, I put this book in the box. I remember wanting to add a note with the book, giving my opinion on it. I didn’t though, I just placed it in the box, happy to get rid of it. However, I do like the thought of what Cassi’s friend did to her copy. She BURNT it!

Today…I wish I had that copy J gave me. I like the idea of burning it. It might even be worth buying a copy and burning it. But then again, I’d only be adding to the sales rate of the book. And I wouldn’t give a dollar towards the support of this book.

“Dear Birthmother” is the only book I read on adoption.  I really want to read “The Primal Wound”, by Nancy Verrier. I’m too scared to at this point though. Scared that I will have to relate more to what my Poo-Man went through while being separated from me. I do realize it was only two weeks of separation, but I feel it could have been two weeks of LIVING HELL for him. How could I do that to my son. I also think he may still be affected by these feelings of the very beginning of his precious life.

I recall reading a passage at one time that stated a child that may be suffering from the separation pain will get very upset. They will cry a strong cry, arch their backs as if in pain and thrash themselves about.

My PooWee can do this. Oh and I understand that ANY child will get very upset at times. But, this statement burns in me. When I just can’t seem to comfort PooWee and he acts this way, I can only think it’s because of what I did to him. I’ve cried so many tears of pain when he does this, for I believe I have done this to him. I will just hold him and try to comfort him. If it’s too hard to hold him I sit next to him on the bed and rub his back. I want him to know the I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HIM! I WILL NEVER LEAVE HIM AGAIN!

I long to read this book, I don’t know if I will ever be able to though. Do any of us want to look at what we may have put our chil(ren) through.

With Elijah being in therapy for the pain his father out him through. He is facing this traumatic part in his life and he is only 10 years old. I’m 35 years old and I can’t seem to face the traumatic adoption experience I caused my son.

I’m thinking it’s time I face my evil and buy the book. That would be the first step. I’m sure it’ll sit on my book shelf for some time, but it would be a start. I hate to think of having to face the pain again. I’m coming to realize that it will always be painful, but I need to come to terms with the happy ending that pain resulted in.

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Please Go Say, “Hi”

February 9, 2009 · Filed under Helping others, adoption

Ventured onto a new blog today.

My heart is broken for this young mother who recently relinguished her son for adoption.

She is hurting pretty badly. You have all helped me through some very difficult times, please share your touching words with her as well.

http://birthmomstories.blogspot.com/

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yahoo answers

September 22, 2008 · Filed under adoption

Best Answer – Chosen by Asker

Very few mothers willingly “give up” their babies at birth — it is usually they have come to the conclusion during pregnancy that they cannot keep their babies and that adoption is the only viable options. Sometimes other people put pressure on them to surrender their babies, and this is called “coercion” as the sole intent is to ensure that they will surrender their babies.

Historian Rickie Solinger stated: “Almost everyone believes that on some level, [mothers] made a choice to give their babies away. Here, I argue that adoption is rarely about mothers’ choices; it is, instead, about the abject choicelessness of some resourceless women.”

In a study by DeSimone (1994), only 23.7% of mothers stated that it was “considerably” or “completely” what they had wanted (p. 79). Ninety-eight percent (98%) of respondents to a Trackers International (Trackers International, 2000) survey said they did not want to surrender their babies. In an online survey conducted by OriginsUSA, 84% of mothers felt they had “no way out of their situation” other than surrender (Wright, 2007, p .31). So this is pretty indicative of coercion being widely used. Plus, if a mother is not given time to recover from birth before deciding, then she cannot make an informed decision and that also is coercive as she’s not allowed time to experience motherhood first to know what she”ll be losing — at-birth adoptions were a practice started in the 1950s to “keep an unwed mother from bonding with her baby”.

As for the trauma that a mother faces when she surrenders a baby: often mothers are in a state of “dissociation” or “shock” as the process happens. Grief then hits and then it can subside as a type of “numbness” sets in — but then given days, months or years the grief can return along with PTSD.

  • 1 day ago

Source(s):

Solinger, R. (2001). Beggars and choosers – How the politics of choice shapes adoption, abortion, and welfare in the United States. New York: Hill & Wang.
http://home.att.net/~judy.kelly/thesis.h…
“Mothers’ Voices: Surrender Experiences and Long-Term Effects” by Bernadette Wright, Ph.D. http://origins-usa.org/DocumentHandler.a…
http://www.originscanada.org/the_damage_…
Yahoo questions

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One Year!

July 15, 2008 · Filed under Andrew, Elijah, Family, Just for fun, My Boys, PooWee, adoption, life, me

I stayed up way too late last night playing on the computer. My head is killing me this morning because of it. I feel like I have a hang over, but I didn’t even have a drop of alcohol.

While scooping out the blog some, reading old posts and all I realized I’ve been blogging for ONE YEAR! I was kind of excited. (YEAH, it doesn’t take much.)

I was super excited too because there is another mommy that same on the forum and announced her daughter was in foster care for the past week, she has an adoption plan, but since the moment her daughter was born she fell total in love with her. All of a sudden all of her reasons for the adoption didn’t matter anymore, she wanted to parent her daughter. (Don’t I know that one.)

Of course I replied screaming, GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER!!! :) I also PMed her and she replied back that she was going to talk with her councellor today and was 100% sure she would be getting her daughter. YAY!! I hope she lets us know how it went.

Elijah called me at work on Saturday from camp. He is having so much fun, however there was a sadness in his voice. There were people in the background so he was also speaking very softly, he doesn’t like others listening to him talk on the phone.

He’s been busy with craft projects. I guess he made a really big castle out of cardboard and is worried he won’t get it home. Anybody got a truck I can borrow? I told him I would leave the stroller at home so maybe there will be enough room in the trunk. He been playing a lot of chess, but is frustrated because he hasn’t won any games. They have have gone bowling and he won 2 games. He’s learning how to cook and said he’s going to make us some almond pudding and gingerbread cookies when he gets home. MMMMMM!

He expressed how badly he was dieing for a soda, but didn’t have 50 cents. I reminded him of the 10 dollar bill in his sunglasses case. He said he knew, but nobody had change. I asked him if he asked one of the adult. “NO! Why would I ask THEM?” was his reply. I had to laugh, guess he figures adults NEVER have any money. He went to the Renaissance Fair on Sunday, so now he has change.

Yeah-he called on Sunday too. This time he had an opportunity where nobody was around and he confessed, “I want to come home!” My heart broke, I want to just hop in the car and go get him, but I knew that he would have fun this week and he could hold out. We talked about all the fun he was having. His attitude got a bit negative, everything was “stupid and boring”. YEAH RIGHT! When he had to get off the phone I promised to call him Monday night.

Talked with him last night and he is fine. Yes, he’s homesick, but he had another fun day and was happy he stayed. He stated it was getting hard to wait to see me and PooWee though. He’s just so excited to see us he can’t wait much longer. :) He also had his first soda and said it was, “GOOOOOOOD!!”

I have strict orders to call him again tonight at 6:30. I sure do miss him! PooWee and I are trying to keep busy. Last Thurs. evening I didn’t know what to do, so PooWee and I headed to Elijah’s soccer game that he is missing. The coach had to chuckle at me for showing up and my son wasn’t even there. Hey! I’m BORED, and PooWee loved watching the kids play.

I got back downtown yesterday morning to finish shooting the rest of the chalk drawings. I was excited it didn’t rain. I wanted really bad to get a better shot of PooWee on Aaron’s work too. We got down there and the drawings were washed out! I was so disappointed. Mom and I debated back and forth if it did rain, she thought some kids may have gone down there and destroyed them, or that possible the morning dew had washed them out. Then a lady answered our question. Here someone forgot to shut of the timer for the sprinkling system. Yep-someone got in trouble at work yesterday! It’s a real bummer too, because so many people come down to look at them. Betcha this won’t happen again.

Aaron is coming over tomorrow to hang with PooWee and I. It’s been awhile since he’s come over during the week. Usually he picks him up from the sitters on Sundays for a few hours. I guess he has off and seeing he was doing the chalkfest this past Sunday he didn’t get PooWee. I’m thinking I’m going to take advantage of Aaron being here and take a shower when he’s here. WOW! I’m excited, I will get a shower without a lil guy pulling open the curtain and throwing toys in by me! YAY!

Bruce is growing…well…like a weed. I have to laugh, I just can’t pull him out. Bruce has become apart of our family. PooWee truly is proud of him. He walks up to Bruce and says, “WOW” and give him a kiss.

Today I have to do laundry, clean up the apartment and wash PooWee’s pool. I was lazy and never ran to get a tarp to cover the pool and there lots of debry and bugs that found their way in. So we drained it last night and today we will wipe it out and put new water in. Yes, I bought a tarp yesterday.

Andrew’s dad ended up in the hospital yesterday. I took him up there for awhile. Mike was in super bad pain, I believe he had a bowel obstruction. They were waiting to see they results of the CT Scan were and if he would need surgery or not. Of course I had to make sure he had a good doctor and care. His doc is top of the line awesome, so he had my approval to continue on with him. :) Right after we left Mike got rushed off to surgery. I called Andrew at 11 last night he hadn’t heard anything yet. This morning I got Andrew out of bed at 10:30 and he didn’t know anything yet. I told him to get up and find out! Still hasn’t called back.

Well, I guess I better get going on my chores for the day or they will never get done!

Happy day to all!!

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Thank You, “Unknown”

July 3, 2008 · Filed under adoption

I just took a peek at my stats. Someone came across my blog through search engine. They were searching…

“What if mother decides not to place baby up for adoption”

Well, obviously they got their answer here. The mother PARENTS!

I was so HAPPY to see that this person referred to the baby’s mother CORRECTLY, by saying “mother”. I often get…

“Birthmother decides to parent”  or  “what if birthmother doesn’t place”

SOOOOO…..THANK YOU “UNKNOWN” for calling this lady what she exactly is…MOTHER (And in my eyes…always will be, NO MATTER what her decision!)

BRAVO!!!   BRAVO!!!!    BRAVO!!!!

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Monday Morning Thoughts

June 2, 2008 · Filed under Andrew, Chad, Elijah, PooWee, adoption, life, work

This weekend I was once again targeted by someone needing to remind me that J & P have adopted twin boys. There was an email sent out by C inviting people to a “Finalization” party this past Thurs. Someone decided to place a copy of this email in my mailbox and highlight a few sentences. Those highlighted were meant to hurt me….I guess!

- It is to celebrate the finalization of the adoption of the most beautiful boys…

-Its been a long hard journey…

MOVE ON PEOPLE!!!!

If I were given the chance to reply to this particular person I would probable inform them that I already knew about this party. I may live in a city with about 40,000 people, but it’s still a small world. J & P and I know many of the same people. I could get sarcastic and tell them some of the things I have heard about this party.

1- “We are so sick of hearing about the adoption. It’s crazy! First there was a Welcome Home Party then there was the Adoption Party then the boys turned 2 years old and now a FINALIZATION party.”

2-”I’m not going….I bought them enough stuff.”

I believe C is organizing all these things. People are starting to feel that she is going overboard. Knowing J, my gut reaction would be that J would feel the same. She often talked to me about C making issues much bigger than they are. I’m sure C is just so happy and excited for J & P, but it’s starting to get a negative response from others.

I didn’t have any emotional issues this time. I simple took the email and made a copy, put a sticky note on it that said, “FYI Found in my mailbox this weekend.” and put the copy in my director’s mailbox. Haven’t heard from my director yet.

The person who put this in my mailbox could be anyone. I guess C had copies all over the unit this past Mon. Our shift leader took them all down saying they will only bring trouble. Well, I guess she was right. Someone took it upon themselves to share with me.

What I don’t understand is why this person feels I need to know this stuff. Does she/he think it will tear me apart? Do they just like shoving the adoption in my face? Are they doing it to make me react? Why would they do this? I really don’t understand. J & P have obviously gone on with their lives, why can’t this person. J & P are happy, I am happy, why isn’t this person happy unless they involve me in things I don’t need to be involved in?

Moving on…..

Karen (VI teacher) emailed me Fri. Got more to add to that WONDERFUL IEP! Here. Eli will be transported to and from school. The bus will pick him up right at our front door. Yes-you heard me I don’t have to take him or pick him up from school anymore. This means, I don’t have to wake PooWee up, I don’t have to get dress, and best of all, I don’t have to go out in below zero weather! I’m feeling guilty, I am fully capable of transporting him. But, K told me to think of it as a form of independence for Eli.

PooWee has an ear appt today. It’s his check up from the tube placement. Since the tubes he has had an ear infection. Actually ended us up in the Emergency room one late Friday night with a 14.7 fever that wasn’t going down. So, I still worry about more ear infections.

Andrew’s Lacrosse team has their last game in the semifinals tonight. If they win they will be off to state. It looks like rain out there, I hope it doesn’t. This will be the last game I will be able to make. The state championships are on the weekend. His team is currently rated 3rd in the state. They team has actually only been around for four years too. They have come along way.

Chad has given one of his jobs his two week notice. He’s going to take a short break from working so much, but will be trying to find another one. He really couldn’t stand the job he quite, so he’shappy to be leaving. He’s still goneall the time. Either working, school or by Ella. Truthfully, I kinda miss him. I usually know he was home to shower because of his clothes on the bathroom floor.

He called one night to see if I had any formula they could use for Ella. Here they ran out, it was late and no one really felt like running all the way to the store. I unfortunately did not, but I did offer some frozen breastmilk. He declined and ran off to the store.

I finally got a new camera! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! Got a 12X zoom, and sound on the video! (My last camera didn’t have sound and that bummed me out.) I’ve been taking pictures like crazy. Guess maybe I’m making up for the four months that I was camera-less.

I’ve got a 10 minute video of PooWee playing in his sandbox. He loves watching it. He eventually wonders out of the sandbox and attempts to walk towards the road. I even got him throwing his fit, because I won’t allow him to go. He gets a real confusing look on his face when he watches himself cry and throw himself to the ground.

I wish I could share some of my pictures with you, however…my computer is still not fixed. We are using Andrew’s and he’s pretty stubborn when it comes to downloading onto his computer. I’m begging him everyday though. PPPLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE Andrew!

 

 

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The Look

April 22, 2008 · Filed under PooWee, adoption

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

H.A. Giles, Chuang Tse

 

I love dreams. Falling asleep and entering a whole new world. Some dreams can feel so real, others I hardly remember.

I use to be more “into” my dreams. I kept a dream journal. I read book after book. I’d like to get back into writing a dream journal. My dreams were often answering my questions. Though at that moment I hadn’t realized it.

One dream put me into the future.

My ex-husband (OH how I love saying EX!) and I had decided to get tattoos. He drew up an ying yang sun, which we place two inches below the bellybutton (center point of the body). I laid on the table and realized I had been in this place before. The blue walls with all the pictures to the beads hanging from a doorway.

As soon as I got home, I read through my dream journal. I found it, I was at this place before. At the time of this dream, my ex was in northern California and I was in Wisconsin dealing with all the legal stuff to move Andrew out of Wisconsin. Our marriage was not good, but we thought a new place would give us a new beginning and perhaps make us live “happily ever-after”.

At the time I hadn’t heard from *** for weeks and I had no way of contacting him. Before going to sleep I had written a question for my dream to answer. “Will I ever see *** again?” My narrative of my dream spoke of a room with blue walls, beads hanging in a doorway, a dentist looking chair, a padded table and may different items scattered throughout. This was my first encounter with the tattoo parlor.

Elijah also kept a dream journal. Though it may be more appropriate to call his a nightmare journal. He suffered horrible nightmares due to the above mentioned EX tell him that he would be killed at night in his sleep. At 4 years old Elijah was terrified of sleep.

When he would have a nightmare he would tell me about it. I wrote it all down just as he explained it. He would then draw a picture of his nightmare. One particular nightmare I recall his father was trying to put “stuff” in Eli’s eyes so he couldn’t see. Elijah hid behind a chair, but his father found him. Eli stated his eyes were burning and all he could see was a red fire. I think of this nightmare often, when I think of Elijah’s visual impairment. I don’t know if they are connected, but I often wonder…

Last night I awoke from my dream. My dream had clarified a puzzling situation for me. This situation has haunted me for over a year. Today, I feel my initial instinct on this moment was correct and I hope to put it all at ease.

It was Christmas Eve 2006, I had gotten PooWee from J and P’s. It was to be my “decision day” on whether I would parent him or give him to J and P to parent. As many of you know, he nursed, so I knew he would be coming home soon.

J and P were at my place picking PooWee up to go to their family gathering that evening. They had brought us all presents Eli was your typical kid tearing into his packages. I began showing them the stocking I was knitting for PooWee along with a sweater. Both incomplete, but were to be his Christmas present.

And there it was the look on J’s face. She gave P this look that until last night I could not figure out. She didn’t comment on the knitted gifts, she just looked at P. It’s a hard look for me to describe, I didn’t understand it. Which is why it has haunted me ever since.

In my dream, this Christmas Eve night was played out exactly as it happened, except I not only saw J’s look, I heard her thoughts.

“She’s not going to see him anymore to give him that!”

I awoke instantly. THAT B*TCH!!! I knew it! I knew she was going to cut me out of my son’s life.

At this moment I was so warmed by PooWee’s presence laying next to me my bed. I rolled over held him in my arms, kissed him on his head and told him I loved him. I felt so much happiness as I fell asleep with my son curled up next to me in my arms.

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Evaluation Time

April 1, 2008 · Filed under PooWee, Ranting, adoption, fustration, life, me, venting, whining, work

It’s that time of year again, for our work evaluations. My portfolio was due yesterday. I finished it up last minute… of course. My eval is next Tuesday. I do fairly well. I’ve gotten the top raise (which sucks) for years. This year though, I am nervous about my evaluation.

Each year a group of co-workers is formed, known as the Peer Evaluation Committee. Obviously, they critique each employee on the unit. I got the usual comments on being accurate and knowledgeable at my job. I’m a great resource for the RNs with the computer. I’m a preceptor and I am a member of  hospital committees.

However, on the section of where I need to grow the following statement read. There is a need to leave personal life out of work enviroment. GRRR! I DID NOT BRING MY PERSONAL LIFE TO WORK!!! MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS BROUGHT TO ME AT WORK!!! I took this comment to my supervisor and director. Both told me that IF it was about the adoption it would be taken out of my eval, because it had no right to be in there and the group had no right discussing it. My director said that I need to look at all the positive comments about me and remember that this comment is minor. They suggested I go to the Peer Eval group and ask for a more explained response.

I found out who was all in the group. Many responded back that they were not there when my job was evaluated. From what I can figure out all that were there when they did me, I DON’T EVEN WORK WITH!! They work night shift. I did FINALLY get a response from the head of the committee. It reads as follows…

“The peer evaluation process is to focus on what is best for the patient. The goal is to help every individual be the best they can clinically, and also how they best present themselves to others in helping create a healthy work environment. Strengths and opportunites for growth were identified.”

I fully understand this and agree with it.

I do not have a copy of your evaluation as only you and De and Di have this. The evaluation group did not keep a copy. Therefore, I do not recall the exact wording of the comment you are referring to. If I recall correctly, you felt the comment was too personal. I believe we stated that personal problems should be best left at home. Some of your co-workers were uncomfortable working with you at times because there was a tension evident between you and other co-workers. They felt this affected the way the team was able to function positively in the best interest of the patients. Therefore the potential for growth is to ask yourself if your personal life is affecting your work environment.

 I came to you (head of the commitee) and only asked for further information on the comment. I did not say anything about taking it personal. I have to say, YES my personal life has affected me at work. However, I will stand strong on saying that I DID NOT bring it to work. At the end of this email I will list my reasons to back my belief.

This is not a pesonal attack but an opportunity for self reflection and improvement as this is what your co-workers have observed. All of us have a personal life and a work life and we all need to be able to separate the two. At AWH our focus is on the patient. I hope this clarifies your concerns.”

I understand this, but believe that I am being wrongfully accused. The following may provide you with more insight on how I’ve been treated at work.

 I stand strong when I say I did not bring my personal life to work. I however, will say my personal life was brought to me at work. I have to admit I find it somewhat humorous the we just can’t come straight out and say some of my co-workers can’t stand me. Why? Because I decided to parent my son. That’s the whole issue and we all know it. It has NOTHING to do with my work ethics or my performance. They can’t stand to be around me because I didn’t make a personal decision that they wanted me to. I feel the way these particular people have treated me, has brought my personal life to work and this comment on my Peer Eval only proves it.I come to work to do my job. When I returned I knew there would be difficult people. I came back with a strong set of mind, being proud of my decision and to do my job. I do not treat these people any different than my other co-workers, other than not having “small talk” with them.I have created the following list to support my strong belief that I did not bring my personal life to work.

-Everytime I work with C, I need to record the time I confront her with a phone call, a question that she needs to get back to me with, or a form that she needs to get filled out and returned to me. This takes me away from my work. It holds me up from completing my tasks as a Unit Clerk. Sometimes, holding my work up for hours. It interrupts any task I may be working on at the time. I strongly feel this is not looking out for the best interest of the patient. -I acknowledge them when they speak to me. I won’t let their anger interfere with my duties. I don’t get the same in return.  Often I am unaware if they heard me. If they are having a personal conversation and I need to address them about a work issue, I will often have to wait and then get a rude look for interrupting them. This too is not in the best interest of our patients.

-I once held a door open for one of them. I didn’t necessarily do it because I wanted to, but because she needed me to. I wasn’t returned with a “Thank you” instead I got an evil look.

-I have never been pulled into the office because I have treated them disrespectfully. However, I can not say the same for them.

-I have gone above my job duties and taken personal messages for them when they were not currently working on the unit. These messages were either placed in their mailboxes or transferred to the pager they were on. Whereas, I could have simply said, “I’m sorry they are not working at this time, please call back.”

-There was once an issue with S and another co-worker. I witnessed S being very rude to her husband on the phone. When this co-worker asked me about it I verified it and said I would speak with our supervisor or director to confirm it, if she needed me to. Well, this co-worker approached S and as soon as she said I heard it, S blew up at me. She had no concerns about the initial subject, she now had a reason to throw some nasty words at me. I will admit I should have walked away, however, my initial reaction was to protect myself from her slamming me.

-An email concerning J & P’s twin boys was thrown up on my desk for me to see when I returned from lunch one day. Knowing my relationship with J & P is very emotional for me, I find this to be quite harassing. Here too, I should have tried to brush it off and walk away. Instead, this particular day I had had enough and broke down and cried. I had some great support from other co-workers on the unit.

-There have been numerous of times that I walk past two of them talking and they will blurt out a comment about me, my son, J & P, or the twins they have adopted.

-At times when I go to Starbuck’s I am treated rudely if a certain volunteer is working. She’ll make me stand there for some time and never acknowledge me when getting my order.

-When I go up to Human Resources I get greeted rudely. Instead of saying, “Hello, how can I help you?” I barley get looked at and all that is said is “Yeah?”

-As a Unit Clerk working on an Organ Donation patient, communication between the clerk and the RN is greatly needed. This was very difficult because the RN was not relaying when to do lab draws, what needed to be faxed, nor was she taking the phone calls from the OPO. I had to continually get up from my work to remind her of the calls. I found it best to talk with the OPO on where we stood with all the faxing and lab draws.

-When I came back De (director of ICU) told me straight out I would have to watch my back for these few people. She knew they would be just waiting for me to make an error.She was right, I was questioned (rudely) about the orders I entered. Majority of the time there was no error on my part. However, I am only human and I may have made a mistake. Which I would correct promptly. It is very nerve racking for me to do the orders on their patient’s in fear of having to deal with their anger.

-The above proves true again when I was told by another, “I swear S just watches you. Everytime you step out she yells, “Now where is Rhonda?” Whether I step out to go to another unit, to go to the breakroom or the bathroom. I guess she especially gets upset when I go to pump.

-Other co-workers warned me that these people were going to try their best to get me out of the unit. This only gave me more strength to stay. I came back with the attitude, “kill them with kindness” which was recommended to me by my counsellor.

- There is a particular RT (Respiratory Therapist) that is related to P that is also out to “get me”. I was once contacted by her supervisor for not giving her an order, according to her. Well, fortunately for me the patient’s RN saw me take the chart to her, hand her a sticky note about the order and saw the order placed in the computer. I did three separate things with this order to protect myself from her “getting me”. I would have only had to place the order in the computer. It’s time consuming for me to continually “protect” my work.

-One Saturday my sitter called, she came down with the stomach flu and I needed to get the boys. I told the shift leader (of course being one of these particular people) that I would make some phone calls, but may need to get my boys and take them else where. She went off on me to find a replacement, to call people at home and other units. I told her I just need to wait for someone to call me back. She continually yelled at me to find someone to cover for me. there was NO reason to find coverage, I was there WORKING. In the end nothing needed to be done as my mom went and got my boys and took them to my substitute sitter’s home. However, her attitude towards me was mean and this was witnessed by those around me.

-Someone on the unit likes giving my son gifts. She’s very proud of me for choosing to parent. However, she has asked not to let others know that she gives them to me in fear of being treated the way I do by these people. This somewhat bothers me, yet I wouldn’t wish this treatment on anyone, so I do understand her request.

-I have taken many issues to De (director) and Di (supervisor) but in the end I feel like a big tattle tail. It gets tiring going in about the same things over and over again. And it appeared to me that nothing was happening anyways, so why continue?

Actually, one time S straight out lied in the office. Di found this out minutes after the meeting. De was informed the following day by me. What happened? Please look up the policy for directly lieing to your superior.

Another time the Hospital House Supervisor was involved. Policy would be for her to write up the incident and De should have gotten this report. House Super did nothing.

I’d like to know why the hospital isn’t following thier own policies to protect me from this sort of treatment. My theory, these disrespectful employees have been there for years and years, their jobs are higher rank then mine so… I’m just out of luck.

Unfortunately my list could go on. I feel you may get my point from what I have given you.

Yes, after three 12 hour shifts with these people, I can become emotionally run down. There’s nothing more I want to do than to run home and hold my son in my arms and cry. My son is one of three greatest gifts I have and being able to hold him gives me the strength to face these people.

If only one of these people are working, I find they are not bad. However, put two or more together and I am in for a bad weekend.

I stay here only because I will show how proud of my decision to parent my son. I’m so thankful I came to the realization I could do it, before it was too late. I will not let these people drive me out of my job. I feel I am good at my job and will only work to try and improve myself at it.

I was asked by De to have some witnesses talk with her. I do not like the idea of getting others involved. Two of them told me they would not like to say anything, in fear of being treated harshly by S. S is very harsh, we all know there have been plenty conflicts with her attitude and other employees. I do not wish to put anyone under the same position I am in.

To be honest, I have been told by different sources to seek further action. It is believed I am working under a harassing and hostile work environment. I’m not out to get anyone though. I just want to come to work, do my job and go home to my boys. Besides, it would do no good. It would not get these people to understand that I did nothing wrong. I made a decision that I had 100% right to do. It would not change their prospective of my story.

In ending my reply, I’d like to ask the Peer Evaluation Commitee a few more questions. A reply back is not needed as I know the answer is none of my business. On these particular co-workers evaluation did you comment on leaving other co-workers personal lives out of work? Did you ask them to improve their customer service to internal co-workers? Did you tell them you felt it was hard to work with them as a team because of the tension with me?

On a more personal note, I once had a conversation with De about how my co-workers shun my son and how it hurts. Any other mother can bring their child on to the unit and the child gets uh’d and ah’d upon. But my son, many simple pretend I’m not there. Yes, even those that treat me with respect at work. De said it was probably because these co-workers don’t know how to react. I’d like to mention, that he’s a baby…you make silly noises and faces and he’ll think you are the greatest thing in the world. Just because I didn’t relinquish him for adoption doesn’t mean he’s not like any other kid. Or how about all new mothers getting a potluck. Why wasn’t my son celebrated as the rest? It would have been nice to have those that didn’t judge my decision to join together for a lunch.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the adoption. All I can do is grow and learn from it. I just wish others would do the same.

Well, there you have it!

I’m thinking my evaluation may just be focused on this particular area… or not at all. I’m not too sure how my director and supervisor will react to me confronting the fact that nothing has been done about these people. Especially the part where I say I could seek further action.

Part of me wishes I could “discipline” them. I would tell them they need to turn in an indepth report on adoption. I would like to see them interview prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, expectant mothers considering adoption, birth/firstmothers, mothers that in the end like me decided to change their mind and adoptees. I just want these ignorant people to learn and grow too. I’m sure it would do no good, but at least it I would have tried.

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