One Year!

I stayed up way too late last night playing on the computer. My head is killing me this morning because of it. I feel like I have a hang over, but I didn’t even have a drop of alcohol.

While scooping out the blog some, reading old posts and all I realized I’ve been blogging for ONE YEAR! I was kind of excited. (YEAH, it doesn’t take much.)

I was super excited too because there is another mommy that same on the forum and announced her daughter was in foster care for the past week, she has an adoption plan, but since the moment her daughter was born she fell total in love with her. All of a sudden all of her reasons for the adoption didn’t matter anymore, she wanted to parent her daughter. (Don’t I know that one.)

Of course I replied screaming, GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER!!! I also PMed her and she replied back that she was going to talk with her councellor today and was 100% sure she would be getting her daughter. YAY!! I hope she lets us know how it went.

Elijah called me at work on Saturday from camp. He is having so much fun, however there was a sadness in his voice. There were people in the background so he was also speaking very softly, he doesn’t like others listening to him talk on the phone.

He’s been busy with craft projects. I guess he made a really big castle out of cardboard and is worried he won’t get it home. Anybody got a truck I can borrow? I told him I would leave the stroller at home so maybe there will be enough room in the trunk. He been playing a lot of chess, but is frustrated because he hasn’t won any games. They have have gone bowling and he won 2 games. He’s learning how to cook and said he’s going to make us some almond pudding and gingerbread cookies when he gets home. MMMMMM!

He expressed how badly he was dieing for a soda, but didn’t have 50 cents. I reminded him of the 10 dollar bill in his sunglasses case. He said he knew, but nobody had change. I asked him if he asked one of the adult. “NO! Why would I ask THEM?” was his reply. I had to laugh, guess he figures adults NEVER have any money. He went to the Renaissance Fair on Sunday, so now he has change.

Yeah-he called on Sunday too. This time he had an opportunity where nobody was around and he confessed, “I want to come home!” My heart broke, I want to just hop in the car and go get him, but I knew that he would have fun this week and he could hold out. We talked about all the fun he was having. His attitude got a bit negative, everything was “stupid and boring”. YEAH RIGHT! When he had to get off the phone I promised to call him Monday night.

Talked with him last night and he is fine. Yes, he’s homesick, but he had another fun day and was happy he stayed. He stated it was getting hard to wait to see me and PooWee though. He’s just so excited to see us he can’t wait much longer. He also had his first soda and said it was, “GOOOOOOOD!!”

I have strict orders to call him again tonight at 6:30. I sure do miss him! PooWee and I are trying to keep busy. Last Thurs. evening I didn’t know what to do, so PooWee and I headed to Elijah’s soccer game that he is missing. The coach had to chuckle at me for showing up and my son wasn’t even there. Hey! I’m BORED, and PooWee loved watching the kids play.

I got back downtown yesterday morning to finish shooting the rest of the chalk drawings. I was excited it didn’t rain. I wanted really bad to get a better shot of PooWee on Aaron’s work too. We got down there and the drawings were washed out! I was so disappointed. Mom and I debated back and forth if it did rain, she thought some kids may have gone down there and destroyed them, or that possible the morning dew had washed them out. Then a lady answered our question. Here someone forgot to shut of the timer for the sprinkling system. Yep-someone got in trouble at work yesterday! It’s a real bummer too, because so many people come down to look at them. Betcha this won’t happen again.

Aaron is coming over tomorrow to hang with PooWee and I. It’s been awhile since he’s come over during the week. Usually he picks him up from the sitters on Sundays for a few hours. I guess he has off and seeing he was doing the chalkfest this past Sunday he didn’t get PooWee. I’m thinking I’m going to take advantage of Aaron being here and take a shower when he’s here. WOW! I’m excited, I will get a shower without a lil guy pulling open the curtain and throwing toys in by me! YAY!

Bruce is growing…well…like a weed. I have to laugh, I just can’t pull him out. Bruce has become apart of our family. PooWee truly is proud of him. He walks up to Bruce and says, “WOW” and give him a kiss.

Today I have to do laundry, clean up the apartment and wash PooWee’s pool. I was lazy and never ran to get a tarp to cover the pool and there lots of debry and bugs that found their way in. So we drained it last night and today we will wipe it out and put new water in. Yes, I bought a tarp yesterday.

Andrew’s dad ended up in the hospital yesterday. I took him up there for awhile. Mike was in super bad pain, I believe he had a bowel obstruction. They were waiting to see they results of the CT Scan were and if he would need surgery or not. Of course I had to make sure he had a good doctor and care. His doc is top of the line awesome, so he had my approval to continue on with him. Right after we left Mike got rushed off to surgery. I called Andrew at 11 last night he hadn’t heard anything yet. This morning I got Andrew out of bed at 10:30 and he didn’t know anything yet. I told him to get up and find out! Still hasn’t called back.

Well, I guess I better get going on my chores for the day or they will never get done!

Happy day to all!!

Thank You, “Unknown”

I just took a peek at my stats. Someone came across my blog through search engine. They were searching…

“What if mother decides not to place baby up for adoption”

Well, obviously they got their answer here. The mother PARENTS!

I was so HAPPY to see that this person referred to the baby’s mother CORRECTLY, by saying “mother”. I often get…

“Birthmother decides to parent”  or  “what if birthmother doesn’t place”

SOOOOO…..THANK YOU “UNKNOWN” for calling this lady what she exactly is…MOTHER (And in my eyes…always will be, NO MATTER what her decision!)

BRAVO!!!   BRAVO!!!!    BRAVO!!!!

Monday Morning Thoughts

This weekend I was once again targeted by someone needing to remind me that J & P have adopted twin boys. There was an email sent out by C inviting people to a “Finalization” party this past Thurs. Someone decided to place a copy of this email in my mailbox and highlight a few sentences. Those highlighted were meant to hurt me….I guess!

- It is to celebrate the finalization of the adoption of the most beautiful boys…

-Its been a long hard journey…

MOVE ON PEOPLE!!!!

If I were given the chance to reply to this particular person I would probable inform them that I already knew about this party. I may live in a city with about 40,000 people, but it’s still a small world. J & P and I know many of the same people. I could get sarcastic and tell them some of the things I have heard about this party.

1- “We are so sick of hearing about the adoption. It’s crazy! First there was a Welcome Home Party then there was the Adoption Party then the boys turned 2 years old and now a FINALIZATION party.”

2-”I’m not going….I bought them enough stuff.”

I believe C is organizing all these things. People are starting to feel that she is going overboard. Knowing J, my gut reaction would be that J would feel the same. She often talked to me about C making issues much bigger than they are. I’m sure C is just so happy and excited for J & P, but it’s starting to get a negative response from others.

I didn’t have any emotional issues this time. I simple took the email and made a copy, put a sticky note on it that said, “FYI Found in my mailbox this weekend.” and put the copy in my director’s mailbox. Haven’t heard from my director yet.

The person who put this in my mailbox could be anyone. I guess C had copies all over the unit this past Mon. Our shift leader took them all down saying they will only bring trouble. Well, I guess she was right. Someone took it upon themselves to share with me.

What I don’t understand is why this person feels I need to know this stuff. Does she/he think it will tear me apart? Do they just like shoving the adoption in my face? Are they doing it to make me react? Why would they do this? I really don’t understand. J & P have obviously gone on with their lives, why can’t this person. J & P are happy, I am happy, why isn’t this person happy unless they involve me in things I don’t need to be involved in?

Moving on…..

Karen (VI teacher) emailed me Fri. Got more to add to that WONDERFUL IEP! Here. Eli will be transported to and from school. The bus will pick him up right at our front door. Yes-you heard me I don’t have to take him or pick him up from school anymore. This means, I don’t have to wake PooWee up, I don’t have to get dress, and best of all, I don’t have to go out in below zero weather! I’m feeling guilty, I am fully capable of transporting him. But, K told me to think of it as a form of independence for Eli.

PooWee has an ear appt today. It’s his check up from the tube placement. Since the tubes he has had an ear infection. Actually ended us up in the Emergency room one late Friday night with a 14.7 fever that wasn’t going down. So, I still worry about more ear infections.

Andrew’s Lacrosse team has their last game in the semifinals tonight. If they win they will be off to state. It looks like rain out there, I hope it doesn’t. This will be the last game I will be able to make. The state championships are on the weekend. His team is currently rated 3rd in the state. They team has actually only been around for four years too. They have come along way.

Chad has given one of his jobs his two week notice. He’s going to take a short break from working so much, but will be trying to find another one. He really couldn’t stand the job he quite, so he’shappy to be leaving. He’s still goneall the time. Either working, school or by Ella. Truthfully, I kinda miss him. I usually know he was home to shower because of his clothes on the bathroom floor.

He called one night to see if I had any formula they could use for Ella. Here they ran out, it was late and no one really felt like running all the way to the store. I unfortunately did not, but I did offer some frozen breastmilk. He declined and ran off to the store.

I finally got a new camera! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! Got a 12X zoom, and sound on the video! (My last camera didn’t have sound and that bummed me out.) I’ve been taking pictures like crazy. Guess maybe I’m making up for the four months that I was camera-less.

I’ve got a 10 minute video of PooWee playing in his sandbox. He loves watching it. He eventually wonders out of the sandbox and attempts to walk towards the road. I even got him throwing his fit, because I won’t allow him to go. He gets a real confusing look on his face when he watches himself cry and throw himself to the ground.

I wish I could share some of my pictures with you, however…my computer is still not fixed. We are using Andrew’s and he’s pretty stubborn when it comes to downloading onto his computer. I’m begging him everyday though. PPPLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE Andrew!

 

 

The Look

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

H.A. Giles, Chuang Tse

 

I love dreams. Falling asleep and entering a whole new world. Some dreams can feel so real, others I hardly remember.

I use to be more “into” my dreams. I kept a dream journal. I read book after book. I’d like to get back into writing a dream journal. My dreams were often answering my questions. Though at that moment I hadn’t realized it.

One dream put me into the future.

My ex-husband (OH how I love saying EX!) and I had decided to get tattoos. He drew up an ying yang sun, which we place two inches below the bellybutton (center point of the body). I laid on the table and realized I had been in this place before. The blue walls with all the pictures to the beads hanging from a doorway.

As soon as I got home, I read through my dream journal. I found it, I was at this place before. At the time of this dream, my ex was in northern California and I was in Wisconsin dealing with all the legal stuff to move Andrew out of Wisconsin. Our marriage was not good, but we thought a new place would give us a new beginning and perhaps make us live “happily ever-after”.

At the time I hadn’t heard from *** for weeks and I had no way of contacting him. Before going to sleep I had written a question for my dream to answer. “Will I ever see *** again?” My narrative of my dream spoke of a room with blue walls, beads hanging in a doorway, a dentist looking chair, a padded table and may different items scattered throughout. This was my first encounter with the tattoo parlor.

Elijah also kept a dream journal. Though it may be more appropriate to call his a nightmare journal. He suffered horrible nightmares due to the above mentioned EX tell him that he would be killed at night in his sleep. At 4 years old Elijah was terrified of sleep.

When he would have a nightmare he would tell me about it. I wrote it all down just as he explained it. He would then draw a picture of his nightmare. One particular nightmare I recall his father was trying to put “stuff” in Eli’s eyes so he couldn’t see. Elijah hid behind a chair, but his father found him. Eli stated his eyes were burning and all he could see was a red fire. I think of this nightmare often, when I think of Elijah’s visual impairment. I don’t know if they are connected, but I often wonder…

Last night I awoke from my dream. My dream had clarified a puzzling situation for me. This situation has haunted me for over a year. Today, I feel my initial instinct on this moment was correct and I hope to put it all at ease.

It was Christmas Eve 2006, I had gotten PooWee from J and P’s. It was to be my “decision day” on whether I would parent him or give him to J and P to parent. As many of you know, he nursed, so I knew he would be coming home soon.

J and P were at my place picking PooWee up to go to their family gathering that evening. They had brought us all presents Eli was your typical kid tearing into his packages. I began showing them the stocking I was knitting for PooWee along with a sweater. Both incomplete, but were to be his Christmas present.

And there it was the look on J’s face. She gave P this look that until last night I could not figure out. She didn’t comment on the knitted gifts, she just looked at P. It’s a hard look for me to describe, I didn’t understand it. Which is why it has haunted me ever since.

In my dream, this Christmas Eve night was played out exactly as it happened, except I not only saw J’s look, I heard her thoughts.

“She’s not going to see him anymore to give him that!”

I awoke instantly. THAT B*TCH!!! I knew it! I knew she was going to cut me out of my son’s life.

At this moment I was so warmed by PooWee’s presence laying next to me my bed. I rolled over held him in my arms, kissed him on his head and told him I loved him. I felt so much happiness as I fell asleep with my son curled up next to me in my arms.

Evaluation Time

It’s that time of year again, for our work evaluations. My portfolio was due yesterday. I finished it up last minute… of course. My eval is next Tuesday. I do fairly well. I’ve gotten the top raise (which sucks) for years. This year though, I am nervous about my evaluation.

Each year a group of co-workers is formed, known as the Peer Evaluation Committee. Obviously, they critique each employee on the unit. I got the usual comments on being accurate and knowledgeable at my job. I’m a great resource for the RNs with the computer. I’m a preceptor and I am a member of  hospital committees.

However, on the section of where I need to grow the following statement read. There is a need to leave personal life out of work enviroment. GRRR! I DID NOT BRING MY PERSONAL LIFE TO WORK!!! MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS BROUGHT TO ME AT WORK!!! I took this comment to my supervisor and director. Both told me that IF it was about the adoption it would be taken out of my eval, because it had no right to be in there and the group had no right discussing it. My director said that I need to look at all the positive comments about me and remember that this comment is minor. They suggested I go to the Peer Eval group and ask for a more explained response.

I found out who was all in the group. Many responded back that they were not there when my job was evaluated. From what I can figure out all that were there when they did me, I DON’T EVEN WORK WITH!! They work night shift. I did FINALLY get a response from the head of the committee. It reads as follows…

“The peer evaluation process is to focus on what is best for the patient. The goal is to help every individual be the best they can clinically, and also how they best present themselves to others in helping create a healthy work environment. Strengths and opportunites for growth were identified.”

I fully understand this and agree with it.

I do not have a copy of your evaluation as only you and De and Di have this. The evaluation group did not keep a copy. Therefore, I do not recall the exact wording of the comment you are referring to. If I recall correctly, you felt the comment was too personal. I believe we stated that personal problems should be best left at home. Some of your co-workers were uncomfortable working with you at times because there was a tension evident between you and other co-workers. They felt this affected the way the team was able to function positively in the best interest of the patients. Therefore the potential for growth is to ask yourself if your personal life is affecting your work environment.

 I came to you (head of the commitee) and only asked for further information on the comment. I did not say anything about taking it personal. I have to say, YES my personal life has affected me at work. However, I will stand strong on saying that I DID NOT bring it to work. At the end of this email I will list my reasons to back my belief.

This is not a pesonal attack but an opportunity for self reflection and improvement as this is what your co-workers have observed. All of us have a personal life and a work life and we all need to be able to separate the two. At AWH our focus is on the patient. I hope this clarifies your concerns.”

I understand this, but believe that I am being wrongfully accused. The following may provide you with more insight on how I’ve been treated at work.

 I stand strong when I say I did not bring my personal life to work. I however, will say my personal life was brought to me at work. I have to admit I find it somewhat humorous the we just can’t come straight out and say some of my co-workers can’t stand me. Why? Because I decided to parent my son. That’s the whole issue and we all know it. It has NOTHING to do with my work ethics or my performance. They can’t stand to be around me because I didn’t make a personal decision that they wanted me to. I feel the way these particular people have treated me, has brought my personal life to work and this comment on my Peer Eval only proves it.I come to work to do my job. When I returned I knew there would be difficult people. I came back with a strong set of mind, being proud of my decision and to do my job. I do not treat these people any different than my other co-workers, other than not having “small talk” with them.I have created the following list to support my strong belief that I did not bring my personal life to work.

-Everytime I work with C, I need to record the time I confront her with a phone call, a question that she needs to get back to me with, or a form that she needs to get filled out and returned to me. This takes me away from my work. It holds me up from completing my tasks as a Unit Clerk. Sometimes, holding my work up for hours. It interrupts any task I may be working on at the time. I strongly feel this is not looking out for the best interest of the patient. -I acknowledge them when they speak to me. I won’t let their anger interfere with my duties. I don’t get the same in return.  Often I am unaware if they heard me. If they are having a personal conversation and I need to address them about a work issue, I will often have to wait and then get a rude look for interrupting them. This too is not in the best interest of our patients.

-I once held a door open for one of them. I didn’t necessarily do it because I wanted to, but because she needed me to. I wasn’t returned with a “Thank you” instead I got an evil look.

-I have never been pulled into the office because I have treated them disrespectfully. However, I can not say the same for them.

-I have gone above my job duties and taken personal messages for them when they were not currently working on the unit. These messages were either placed in their mailboxes or transferred to the pager they were on. Whereas, I could have simply said, “I’m sorry they are not working at this time, please call back.”

-There was once an issue with S and another co-worker. I witnessed S being very rude to her husband on the phone. When this co-worker asked me about it I verified it and said I would speak with our supervisor or director to confirm it, if she needed me to. Well, this co-worker approached S and as soon as she said I heard it, S blew up at me. She had no concerns about the initial subject, she now had a reason to throw some nasty words at me. I will admit I should have walked away, however, my initial reaction was to protect myself from her slamming me.

-An email concerning J & P’s twin boys was thrown up on my desk for me to see when I returned from lunch one day. Knowing my relationship with J & P is very emotional for me, I find this to be quite harassing. Here too, I should have tried to brush it off and walk away. Instead, this particular day I had had enough and broke down and cried. I had some great support from other co-workers on the unit.

-There have been numerous of times that I walk past two of them talking and they will blurt out a comment about me, my son, J & P, or the twins they have adopted.

-At times when I go to Starbuck’s I am treated rudely if a certain volunteer is working. She’ll make me stand there for some time and never acknowledge me when getting my order.

-When I go up to Human Resources I get greeted rudely. Instead of saying, “Hello, how can I help you?” I barley get looked at and all that is said is “Yeah?”

-As a Unit Clerk working on an Organ Donation patient, communication between the clerk and the RN is greatly needed. This was very difficult because the RN was not relaying when to do lab draws, what needed to be faxed, nor was she taking the phone calls from the OPO. I had to continually get up from my work to remind her of the calls. I found it best to talk with the OPO on where we stood with all the faxing and lab draws.

-When I came back De (director of ICU) told me straight out I would have to watch my back for these few people. She knew they would be just waiting for me to make an error.She was right, I was questioned (rudely) about the orders I entered. Majority of the time there was no error on my part. However, I am only human and I may have made a mistake. Which I would correct promptly. It is very nerve racking for me to do the orders on their patient’s in fear of having to deal with their anger.

-The above proves true again when I was told by another, “I swear S just watches you. Everytime you step out she yells, “Now where is Rhonda?” Whether I step out to go to another unit, to go to the breakroom or the bathroom. I guess she especially gets upset when I go to pump.

-Other co-workers warned me that these people were going to try their best to get me out of the unit. This only gave me more strength to stay. I came back with the attitude, “kill them with kindness” which was recommended to me by my counsellor.

- There is a particular RT (Respiratory Therapist) that is related to P that is also out to “get me”. I was once contacted by her supervisor for not giving her an order, according to her. Well, fortunately for me the patient’s RN saw me take the chart to her, hand her a sticky note about the order and saw the order placed in the computer. I did three separate things with this order to protect myself from her “getting me”. I would have only had to place the order in the computer. It’s time consuming for me to continually “protect” my work.

-One Saturday my sitter called, she came down with the stomach flu and I needed to get the boys. I told the shift leader (of course being one of these particular people) that I would make some phone calls, but may need to get my boys and take them else where. She went off on me to find a replacement, to call people at home and other units. I told her I just need to wait for someone to call me back. She continually yelled at me to find someone to cover for me. there was NO reason to find coverage, I was there WORKING. In the end nothing needed to be done as my mom went and got my boys and took them to my substitute sitter’s home. However, her attitude towards me was mean and this was witnessed by those around me.

-Someone on the unit likes giving my son gifts. She’s very proud of me for choosing to parent. However, she has asked not to let others know that she gives them to me in fear of being treated the way I do by these people. This somewhat bothers me, yet I wouldn’t wish this treatment on anyone, so I do understand her request.

-I have taken many issues to De (director) and Di (supervisor) but in the end I feel like a big tattle tail. It gets tiring going in about the same things over and over again. And it appeared to me that nothing was happening anyways, so why continue?

Actually, one time S straight out lied in the office. Di found this out minutes after the meeting. De was informed the following day by me. What happened? Please look up the policy for directly lieing to your superior.

Another time the Hospital House Supervisor was involved. Policy would be for her to write up the incident and De should have gotten this report. House Super did nothing.

I’d like to know why the hospital isn’t following thier own policies to protect me from this sort of treatment. My theory, these disrespectful employees have been there for years and years, their jobs are higher rank then mine so… I’m just out of luck.

Unfortunately my list could go on. I feel you may get my point from what I have given you.

Yes, after three 12 hour shifts with these people, I can become emotionally run down. There’s nothing more I want to do than to run home and hold my son in my arms and cry. My son is one of three greatest gifts I have and being able to hold him gives me the strength to face these people.

If only one of these people are working, I find they are not bad. However, put two or more together and I am in for a bad weekend.

I stay here only because I will show how proud of my decision to parent my son. I’m so thankful I came to the realization I could do it, before it was too late. I will not let these people drive me out of my job. I feel I am good at my job and will only work to try and improve myself at it.

I was asked by De to have some witnesses talk with her. I do not like the idea of getting others involved. Two of them told me they would not like to say anything, in fear of being treated harshly by S. S is very harsh, we all know there have been plenty conflicts with her attitude and other employees. I do not wish to put anyone under the same position I am in.

To be honest, I have been told by different sources to seek further action. It is believed I am working under a harassing and hostile work environment. I’m not out to get anyone though. I just want to come to work, do my job and go home to my boys. Besides, it would do no good. It would not get these people to understand that I did nothing wrong. I made a decision that I had 100% right to do. It would not change their prospective of my story.

In ending my reply, I’d like to ask the Peer Evaluation Commitee a few more questions. A reply back is not needed as I know the answer is none of my business. On these particular co-workers evaluation did you comment on leaving other co-workers personal lives out of work? Did you ask them to improve their customer service to internal co-workers? Did you tell them you felt it was hard to work with them as a team because of the tension with me?

On a more personal note, I once had a conversation with De about how my co-workers shun my son and how it hurts. Any other mother can bring their child on to the unit and the child gets uh’d and ah’d upon. But my son, many simple pretend I’m not there. Yes, even those that treat me with respect at work. De said it was probably because these co-workers don’t know how to react. I’d like to mention, that he’s a baby…you make silly noises and faces and he’ll think you are the greatest thing in the world. Just because I didn’t relinquish him for adoption doesn’t mean he’s not like any other kid. Or how about all new mothers getting a potluck. Why wasn’t my son celebrated as the rest? It would have been nice to have those that didn’t judge my decision to join together for a lunch.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the adoption. All I can do is grow and learn from it. I just wish others would do the same.

Well, there you have it!

I’m thinking my evaluation may just be focused on this particular area… or not at all. I’m not too sure how my director and supervisor will react to me confronting the fact that nothing has been done about these people. Especially the part where I say I could seek further action.

Part of me wishes I could “discipline” them. I would tell them they need to turn in an indepth report on adoption. I would like to see them interview prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, expectant mothers considering adoption, birth/firstmothers, mothers that in the end like me decided to change their mind and adoptees. I just want these ignorant people to learn and grow too. I’m sure it would do no good, but at least it I would have tried.

Whirl of Emotion

This past Sat. I ran into J in our breakroom. Though she works in the unit across the hall from mine, we share a blanket warmer and it’s located in my units breakroom.

She was there getting a warm blanket for her patient. I went in to put some paperwork back into my mailbox.

This is not the first time we have crossed paths. The first was this past summer. I was leaving work and she was coming in. As we crossed paths on the sidewalk, she had a look to kill. Her lips were curled and her eyes just glared straight ahead.

At this point I had learnt so much already. I had learnt that for 9 months I was not councelled and uneducated. I take full responsibility for not educating myself. I made up a fairy tale adoption in my head and that’s what I thought would happen in the end.

I would be making two people the most happiest people in the world. They suffered so with their infertility and I was as fertile as they come, WHAT A MATCH! My child would be raised with me in his life. I would be able to squeeze him and kiss him whenever I wanted. It would be a beautiful life. I could see us all holding hands skipping through a field of fresh flowers. (HA!) But, I wouldn’t have to get up all night, change diapers and  deal with crabby time. Yes, I was told and then believed..it was a WIN-WIN situation.

I wanted to tell her off about the letter she wrote me the day I got my son back. In it she told me that after a few months when I realized it was “too hard”, she hoped I would “bite my pride” and return him to them. “TOO HARD”…..”BITE MY PRIDE” my son was nothing but a joy and my pride…my pride is quite proud of what I did! IF…IF I had realized things were too hard…J and P would not have been my choice to parent my son. I would have looked into another couple.

As I passed her this day and I saw her look, I simply gave a quick UH laugh and continued on my way. I shrugged her attitude, because of her ignorance to what all was wrong with our plan. She has no clue that I shouldn’t have been referred to as a “birthmother” over and over again by our agency. She has no clue that I should have had more counselling, unbiased at that. Our agency didn’t provide them with any classes or counselling as well. My son was referred to as their son all along, agency included, this was wrong. They too were coerced by the agency. They were lead to believe that this deal was final, it was never final.

I laughed because I still had so much anger within me. Anger from the prank phone calls, anger from the way her family treated me and my family. Anger at the time I thought would never go away.

The anger is somewhat still there. I feel I would like to “tell them off”. I would like to scream at them for intruding on my time at the hospital. Scream at them for giving my son colic drops when he cried like crazy,when all he need was reassurance that he was OK. He should have been held, cuddled and told that they knew he was scared everything is different than when he was with HIS mother. 

I wish I could throw all that I have learnt in their faces. Just to show them that what I did was not wrong. I had EVERY RIGHT to parent my son. Would it make a difference though. J’s best friend C, has stated “no matter what, their is no excuse for what she did.” Our agency once told J that I was “the perfect birthmother”. In my eyes..now…they were RIGHT, I found a way, a way to parent. I took all the bullsh*t they lead me to believe and threw it out the window and brought my son home. A PERFECT choice for a MOTHER.

Saturday, in the breakroom for the whole 5 seconds that J and I were in there together I had a whirl wind of emotions. Part of me wanted to do as I had previously done, but the other part wanted to hug her and cry. I wanted to congratulate her on her boys, I wanted to express that I didn’t mean to cause them pain. But, instead she turned her head and I turned towards my mailbox, put my papers in it and walked out.

There were two other people in there at the time. Would things have been different if they were not there. Will we ever meet up sometime. Will there ever be harsh words exchanged? Will we all beable to let go of our anger and see the happieness that has come out of it? Have they learned all that I have. Do they feel that our agency addressed us all properly.

J went to weekend only on her unit now. With me being weekend only on my unit, I’m sure we will cross paths again. Pretending we are strangers seems to work well. The moment may be uncomfortable for both of us. The aftermath for me, sents my blood boiling and my eyes to water. I’m not sure if we will ever sit down and talk about everything, but if we do…I HAVE ALOT TO SAY!

Reaching the Unreachable

My adoption posts often show my pain and anger towards my situation. I tend to focus on the negative aspects of adoption. Perhaps because I view my situation as such a negative time in my life. However, without that time in my life I never would be here today.

When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure what types of reactions I would get from mothers that relinquished their rights, mothers that are parenting through adoption or even adoptees.  I thought for sure I would get some angry comments, telling me how horrible I was for taking PooWee from J & P. I was wrong….. completely wrong! I’ve encounter such negativity with people I knew, I figured for sure I’d encounter it with people I couldn’t even see.

I thought my “enemy” per say would be those that have adopted. I’m sure there are some out there that have read my blog and their blood was boiling towards me. But they respectably choose not to comment.

Imagine my surprise on one of my firsts post, “I’m Back!” when I read Heathers comment. WOW, she was telling me that changing my mind was OK. AND WAIT, she was a mother through adoption. I was amazed! 

I ventured to Heathers blog and have grown SO MUCH respect for her. She is completely amazing. Her son Puppy is truly blessed. Though I’m sure Heather will return with she and her husband, T are the ones that are blessed. Yet, Puppy’s mother, K and father, R that relinguished their rights are also truly blessed, for they are so very welcomed by Puppy’s parents. I think it’s safe to say they are all truly blessed with each other.

But, it wasn’t only Heather. I got positive responses from others too. Like Judy, Mamm2roo, and more.

Imtina sent me to Erin. I only read one post of Erin’s and I’m contemplating whether her and Heathers are the same person.

I’m sure there are many many more out there, that I haven’t come across yet as well. I’d love to go through all the blogrolls, however I haven’t yet. I find it quit difficult to find the time to read all the ones I do now.

I think what I’m trying to say is…I’m not against anyone that is adopting or has adopted. I see the beauty that it can bring. When an adoption is fulfilled ethically and all involved respect one another it can turn out to be a truly beautiful life for all involved.

I still worry sometimes that I portray myself to be completely against adoption. What I’m against is the unethical “crap” that goes on. Like…

-expectant mothers being called “Birthmother”

-signing TPR at the hospital (Just came across a post where a lady was excited because she only had to wait 24hrs after the birth and the mother could sign TPR. EXCITED! Excited that the mother would probably be signing under the influence of pain killers! UNBELIEVABLE, JUST UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!)

-when prospective adoptive parents call a child theirs before he/she truly is theirs

-why do those that are adopting have to pay such a hefty price

And the list goes on. We all know the unethical acts that still go on today. How do we change them though? How do we get people to listen? We read each other’s blogs, but what about those that have no clue. What about the expectant mothers like me, that have NO CLUE what the real thing is. How could this information have gotten to me when I wasn’t on the internet? One would like to think the agency would have provided it for me.

 What about people wanting to adopt, like J & P that had NO CLUE to how it things really can go? Were they ever informed on how the birth can affect a mother. How denial of her unborn child, becomes real the moment the child is born? They too were way uneducated.

The agencies, the laws, how do we get them to change? Where are our billboards that speak for adoption reform. I’m sick of seeing the adoption advertisements. Oh, they make it look so sweet, and painless.

What about those that aren’t involved directly with adoption. How can they become educated on the practices that take place today. We’ve all probably educated those around us. Some that I have spoken with cant believe what cango on. Many people don’t really even think about adoption until someone they know are involved in it. I never really did, until I found myself frantic because I had a positive pregnancy test. I freaked and within a few hours I chose adoption and refused to look back. PooWee made me look back and then I could not see the future without him.

I want us to reach those that are unreachable.

On My Mind..

I never can seem to post on just one thing. Again today, I basically have a bunch of ranting to do. So, stick with me as I run through all that is going through my head.

-My blog stats are going crazy! Why? If you ask me, this blog is the world to me, but I can’t figure out how others find it interesting. Well, someone linked to My Days Without PooWeepost. Then another linked to it on her Mysp*ce account.

I ended up going back and reading the post again myself. Once again I hit a low, I cried, I was happy I had PooWee and then I also had anger.

In my head I kept thinking of so many moments that tear my heart apart. One moment was when Eli and I returned after yet another walk around the hospital to get away from all the visitors. As I opened the door to my room I was hoping nobody would be there. I was wrong! Lets see…there’s J & P, both of their mothers, there is J’s brother, his wife and two kids, and then there’s J’s sister and her son. So that’s 10 people, all here for J & P.

Eli was driving me nuts. He kept whining that he wanted to hold PooWee. I didn’t have the courage to speak up and get PooWee for him. I too wanted to hold PooWee, but of course said nothing. Finally, J got PooWee for Eli, I think she just wanted him to be quiet.

Eli and I were sitting on my bed. Eli was touching Poowee’s cheek. I had my arm around Eli and we just stared a our lil baby in ah. Eli began asking who he looked like. I so thought he looked like Eli. Eli liked that idea. I wish I had a picture of this moment. I think it would be beautiful.

Then there were arms pulling PooWee away. They were J’s, she said it was her niece’s turn to hold my son. I doubt Eli even had PooWee for 3 minutes. J’s neice had PooWee about 4 times already. J was jealous, she didn’t like us referring to PooWee as part of our family. She didn’t like us interacting with him and took him away from us. I can’t stand her for this. But I also need to blame myself. For it was ME that couldn’t speak my words.

Why was my voice so weak! Why didn’t I say, “NO! In-fact, EVERYONE LEAVE! Just leave and let us be!” That’s what I was thinking, but the words never came out! This happened to me SO MANY times! I never spoke what I was thinking.

I know I can’t dwell on the past, the past comes back to haunt me though. I want so much to now have a voice. A strong voice, that may help other mothers, or maybe even PAPs. I’ve come to realize that though I choose not to sign TPR, adoption HAS become apart of my life. I can’t change that. I hope to atleast make adoption better for others.

I know…no matter what, there is pain in adoption. But, if I can put warning signs out there for others, maybe I can help them make the best choices. LIKE NO PRE-MATCHING, or NO PAPs AT THE HOSPITAL. Take my pain and shield themselves from it. It’s hope, it’s my hope!

-On the brighter side, Eli is doing better. He is using his visual aids.

Actually, when his VI teacher walked in his classroom the other day, he was on his CCTV and she was super excited. They talked and he told her about his email pals, who are visually impaired (VI) as well. He is really excited about them. His teacher is setting up a bowling/pizza party for the VI kids in our area. She said there are two boys that she can’t wait to introduce to Eli.

I think this is so good for him. He will be will other kids like him and hopefully this will encourage him to stay strong.

His doctor appointment went real well. He actually broke down and cried. I realized he never really cried about his disease. Dr. W was AWESOME with him. He got down in front of him and spoke to him at his level. He reassure Eli he would never be completely blind. He told him he would retain some vision. Eli will see “fuzzy” in his central line of vision. Dr. W told Eli is vision will not deteriorate fast, but so slow that throughout life he really wouldn’t notice. He encouraged him to use his aids and expressed how important they were for him. Eli needed to hear all this from Dr. W.

Dr. W wsn’t concerned with the floaters. Eli’s retina is not detaching anywhere and everything else looked fine. He explained that Eli’s eyes could be stressed and the brain reacts this way.

We will be heading back down to the UW hospital at some point, for more testing. Basically, Dr. W would like to do two more tests that will give us  a more specific diagnosis. However, we will hold off until Eli is comfortable.

I will also have to take PooWee in for an exam to see if he is carrying this as well. We are going to wait until he is about 2 or even 3 years old. If PooWee has it, it means it’s in my family. We currently don’t have anybody with visual difficulties like Eli, so we just figured it came from his dad’s side.

Hopefully, Eli and I get to his blog this week. So far he had picked out his theme. He went with one that has a black background. He actually sees words better when they are white and the background is black. It’s hard on my eyes, but it’s not my blog!

-Andrew is headed to Spain on Fri. Lucky kid!!! His father, Mike, is getting married. She’s a sweet thing! She’s from Spain and wants to get married in her mother’s home town. Mike is so funny…I mentioned to him, on having more kids. (he only has Andrew.) He said OH NO!!! I reminded him how much his fiance LOVES kids. Then he replies, “Well, it better happen in the next two years then!” Mike and his lady have just bought a house and Mike is “allowing” his fiance ONE room for a kid!

I’m happy for him. He’s a good guy and I only want to see him happy as well. His fiance is very nice and excepts Andrew. She is even fine with Mike and mine relationship. We have a son together, we will be communicating and she realizes this.

-OH ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MA MARCY!!!!

Today is my mom’s birthday! She’s 73 years young! We will probably do supper tonight. HHMMM-where should we take her? Eli will want to go someplace that will sing to her and embarrass the bageebeez out of her. We’ll see what we all decide on!

-Monday! Monday is cleaning day,and I must get to it! There’s dishes and laundry and not to mention all the toys that have spread through out the apartment. I loathe cleaning! I’l find anything to stay away from it……like babbling on in my posts!

OK-off to clean!

-WAIT! One more thing…hop over to Judy and send her your words of encouragement as she goes through chemo. She has breast cancer. Her posts show her strength with this battle and I’m sure hearing encouraging words from others will only make her stronger! Thoughts and prayers go out to her from me!

Another Mother Changes Her Mind

Today another mother has changed her mind on her original adoption plan. Tomorrow morning, her daughter will be home with her.

Yes, I feel sorrow for the couple that were going to parent this child. But we all know, if at all possible, a child belongs with their family.  Waiting for a child has got to be the hardest situation. Then to be in a place where that child is so close to being yours has to be heart warming. And of course the worse thing would be, to have the child taken from you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry this has to happen.

This mother, like me felt such love and closeness to her daughter upon birth. The moment she left her daughter she missed her so badly. She felt alone, empty and longed to have her daughter back.

This morning she phoned the agency and told them of her wishes. She will have her daughter tomorrow! Today her mother  and her are going SHOPPING!

I can’t help it, my heart is filled with do much joy for her! I PMd here and invited her to my blog. I gave her a quick run down of my emotional roller-coaster. I hope she doesn’t go through some of the pain I did, but she does, she’ll have a place to go, to know she’s not alone.

There’s another mother out there questioning her adoption. She gave birth on Sun. Signed TPR IN THE HOSPITAL (GRRRRR!) and has 5 days to revoke her decision. All replies to her told her to REVOKE! REVOKE until she knows for sure what she wants to do!

I will keep my thoughts on her. I will pray she finds the right answer for herself and her son.

My Dear April Letter

Dear April

Andrew told me, it’s a girl! I’ll admit I’m abit jealous, no pretty lil dresses for me. Instead, I’ve gotten bugs and other gross stuff. I know they say the sex of a baby comes from the father, I’d like to differ. When those female spermies hit my body they run! I say I’ve been “doomed by the penis.”

As I told you in the letter I hand wrote you, I’m sorry for what you are experiencing right now. It’s hard, it’s painful and emotions can be very overwhelming. I also told you congrats, because you are experiencing the miracle of life. And that is the most beautiful thing there is. I told you, your were now a mother and forever will be a mother. Your life will never be the same again, no matter what you choose. I encouraged you to EDUCATE EDUCATE EDUCATE yourself on all your options, both good and bad of each.

So far I have received two letters from mothers who have relinquished their daughters for you. Sandra offered to write you one on how she was a teen mother who parented. Sandra’s offer encouraged me to write you on how parenting Andrew has affected my life.

I was 16 and Mike was 18 when we found out I was pregnant with Andrew. I went to the see Dr. B. because I was having alot of side cramping. I was in shock when she told me I was pregnant. Truthfully, I started laughing in her office. I recall asking her why I was laughing. She replied, “because you are in shock and sometimes we laugh when we have no other words.” Then when I exited the building I started bawling my eyes out with my friend,  who had come with me.

I knew I was going to parent him immediately. Infact, when I told my mother that very night she asked me, “Now, what are you going to do?” I replied, “Keep my baby.”

I was a rebellious teen. I skipped school, snuck out of the house, even took off to California for 3 weeks the year before. I did what I wanted. I had failed every single class the semester before I found out I was pregnant and I truthfully, didn’t care.

It seems that from the moment I found out I changed. I now had something to care about. That semester in school I ended up having a 3.0 average. Alot of this probably having to do with not going to parties anymore, not hanging out with my friends. But, I had also started realizing, I had to grow up, I had to be responsible for all my actions now.

It was hard walking down those high school halls with a belly hanging out. I could feel every eye on me as I walked into the lunch room. Friends started drifting off. They didn’t quite gasp why I didn’t feel up to going to the party or walking the mall.

Soon, you too will endure the looks, and the comments. Stay strong, hold your head high. And always remember, in the end it’s between you and God. Your true friends will stick by you.

Mike and I had gotten an apartment. It was my choice to move out of my mother’s house. I felt she didn’t need to “put up” with a baby in her home. She worked long hours and finances weren’t perfect for her. When I told her Mike and I had found an apartment, her eyes glazed over with tears. Today, I feel she would have supported me staying at home with her, I just chose not too.

Andrew was born 2 weeks before my senior year. In order for me to graduate, I had a packed schedule with no time off to study. I ended up never attending a day of school. I became a “high school drop out.”  I find it unbelievable to look back and see how I had NO help in returning to school. I was never counselled during pregnancy on continuing. The school system never sent notices to my mother asking where I was. It’s almost as if they just erased me from the record books.

I have faith that if you decide to parent, you will finish school. I’m also aware of the many programs they now have for teen mothers to finish school. Before totally deciding on parenting, make sure you have your action plan in place. Andrew tells me you are very smart, so I know you can do it. Juggling school and a child WILL BE HARD, but IS NOT impossible.

Mike and I lasted in our apartment for only a few months. He was working two jobs to try to make ends meet. We were constantly fighting, things were not good. His parents opened up there home to us. I lived there for a few months until I turned 18 and got my own place with Andrew.

I was now a member of the welfare system. I didn’t like it. Being 18 I was now able to work full-time, so I went out and got a factory job to get off of welfare. I hated it, but I proud to be supporting my son all on my own.

My friends…what friends, they were in school, they were living up their senior year. One after noon I was driving around, here it happened to be graduation night. I can still see, some of my old friends standing outside in their gowns. I continued driving and stopped at a park. I swung with Andrew on my lap, crying for what I had lost.

I lost the opportunity to graduate high school with my peers. I lost my friends. I lost being a kid. I had made an adult choice and I was living that adult life.

Priorities change. I didn’t buy myself new clothes, I bought diapers. Money was VERY tight, I struggled majorly. Infact, I’d fall behind on bills, I wouldn’t beable to pay for my daycare, so I could go to work. Truthfully, the daycare I used called Social Services on me once. Why? Well, because I didn’t have the $10 to buy new bottle liners for Andrew’s bottles. I was rinsing used ones out. They left a scent and the daycare told Social Services that I was giving him spoiled milk. It makes me angry to think they did this instead of asking me about it. It saddens me that they assumed before hearing the truth. But, yet it helped because Social Services ended up getting me on food stamps.

To this day I have to admit to having some jealousy of Mike. He was an AWESOME father to Andrew. Always had his visits and often more. However, he got to live the life of a teenager more than I did. He attended college, lived in the dorms and was basically free to do as he wanted. Everything I did, was with my growing boy on my hip. Even as we got older, in our 20s, Mike was free to go out if he wanted, where as I had to find and pay for a sitter. Mike was on volleyball, and/or dart leagues, I wasn’t able to do all this. My life revolved around parenting. Life was no longer about me, it was about Andrew.

Andrew’s life was also affected with me being a young parent. When I look back, he didn’t have the opportunities that Elijah’s has now. Such as gymnastics, swimming lessons, sport camps and so on. Why? Because I didn’t have the financial means. I think this affects him a bit now, though he may not admit it, I think it hurts him some, but I feel he understands too.

I pray that Chad will start to give you the support you need and deserve. Though, he’s not the one carrying the baby, the baby is as much his as it is yours. He needs to step up to what has happened and be there too. I feel in time he will. And when he does, may the two of you beable to work together for your child’s sake.

It’s hard. Mike and I have had MANY issues in the past. But until we learned that Andrew was our main focus, we really didn’t get along too well. Now, we are friends and can discuss things concerning Andrew. We make decisions as a his parents, together. Being able to do this is great for Andrew’s well being. It’s nice to be able to go out for pizza or even take a trip as friends.

The rewards of parenting are quite apparent. Your child will be the most important thing to you, ever. You will truly know what unconditional love means. You will watch your child grow into her own person and know that you helped shape her. But, in order to live these joys, you need to give up your current lifestyle.

If I were to see you parenting. I see you finishing high school, and college. So, it’s awesome that you would be able to be a kid too. But, when you get home, you’ll become an adult. I have faith in Andrew still remaining your friend, but it’s a possibility others may drift away. When you chose to parent, you chose your child over a “normal” high schooler’s life. I think your wise enough to know this and will take all of this to heart.

If I could, would I change my decision to parent? NO WAY! Look at the wonderful young man I have. I’ve had way too many memories of parenting him. For me the positive outweigh the negatives. However, there are things I would change. Those would be the obvious…finishing high school, getting a college degree and getting a career. Yes, I was able to get my GED and some college education. I have a decent job, but not one that I would have particularly chose. 

Make sure with you’r decision, you look at your future. What do you want? If you are looking at a 4 year degree, would you be affected for it to take 6 years. You may not be able to attend full-time. Instead attending 3/4 time and working, and then of course parenting.

I was over joyed to hear you shared the information I gave you with your father. This shows me you have support from him. Do remember though, if you chose parenting and your parent’s support you, you are your daughter’s mother. She is your responsibility, NOT theirs. I’m sure they would be there to help. I’m sure they may babysit now and then, heck I may even be available at times. But, ultimately, you daughter should be cared for by YOU!

I’m not going to lie. I have my fingers crossed for you to parent. With support and hard work YOU CAN DO IT! But, if you decide adoption is your best choice, I won’t leave you. Instead, I’ll continue to help you through the heart ache. I’ve come across so many wonderful people that will also be there for you. Some have already shared their stories with you.

My thoughts have been with ou daily, since Andrew told me about your pregnancy. It may seem like the worse ting in the world, but it’s not. You are faced with a major life changing decision, but it’s not the end of the world. I will be thinking of you as you go through all that is to come. And if you need ANYTHING, let me know, I am here for you!