Archive for April, 2009

Andrew’s Prom

April 30, 2009 · Filed under Andrew, Family, Just for fun

Andrew had his Senior Prom this past weekend. He went with his friend, ex-girlfriend Brooke. (They have been an on again off again couple and have decided to just be good friends.)

Here some pictures of my handsome son and his beautiful date.

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They had a really great night. After prom a friend had a party that they attended. (That poor mother had about 30 kids at her house. UGH!) They stayed up until 6am.

Next big event is his Senior Trip and then Graduation! OMG! This is real isn’t it?!

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I did get my haircut. I will post a picture at some point. Andrew took the camera to school for his Lacrosse game tonight. I didn’t like how the girl styled it yesterday, so I didn’t snap one then.

I actually would have gone shorter than what she cut it. To me it looks a bit like a bob cut and I don’t care for that. I figure next time. I like it though.

I have come to the conclusion that short is better on me. Never thought I’d say that. :)

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I Need A Haircut

April 29, 2009 · Filed under Just for fun, me

It is time for a haircut. Actually, I’m over due for a haircut, my ends are horrible.

After cutting my dreads off :( (I kinda miss them) I had to go short. I liked it. BUT I did not like having to cut it so often. I began to grow it out. I do not the process of growing hair out. Especially the period where there is nothing you can really do with it.

So, here’s I sit ready for a cut and I am debating going short again. I’m somewhat thinking I look better with short hair. Long hair seems to make my long face look longer.

Long hair is easier in that I can just pull it back and I’m done. Short hair needs some styling.

I just don’t know what to do! So you all have to help! I am being VERY brave here and posting pics of me with short hair and long hair. What should I do?

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There you have it…now tell me what to do. This is just one decision I can’t seem to make on my own.

If I go short, I’m thinking of a style similar to this.

maaa

mmmI don’t plan on highlighting or coloring my hair though.

*Sorry about the short haired picture taking up so much space. I had to scan it and scanned it wrong. Then my scanner wasn’t cooperating, I tried editing….nothing was in my favor. I gave in!

ETA-Going out to lunch with my mom, step-mom, step-sister and two aunts. Afterwards…I’m just going to do it! I’m chopping the hair off! If it’s “showable” I’ll post a pic! :)

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Revocation Period

April 27, 2009 · Filed under adoption

As I’m wandering an adoption forum this morning, I’ve come across a post of a prospective adoptive parent that needs to return the baby girls she planned on adopting.

The Temporary Termination of Right’s was signed, BUT full Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) was not scheduled until court on Thurs. May 10th.

This particular person is complaining about the rights of prospective adoptive parents and how they can just take “her” baby away.

Now, I strongly feel this lady’s pain! I do feel the pain will be like a death to her. I fully do have sorrow for her. BUT, did she NOT read the papers before she signed her name to the agreement? She knew there may be a chance she would have to give back the child. SHE KNEW IT and she still signed the papers.She took as risk. Things don’t allows turn out in our favor.

I also understand that wanting a child bad enough that you sign those papers. But, you truly can not then turn around and cry that your rights have been violated. I’m sorry, it seems so irrational to me, perhaps because I am on the other end of the scope.

Protection for adoptive parents, you have the right not to agree to an arrangement where the mother and/or father have the right to claim their child back after a certain time frame.

Protection for mother and father of the child…that time frame is our protection. We have a short period of time (in some states) that allows us to reevaluate what is right for ourselves and our child.

PooWee is with me today, ONLY because I was allowed time…time to focus on what truly was right. And for that time, I am truly grateful. Words can not express how thankful I am for that time. I am parenting my son because of TIME. AMEN!

*I can already foresee a battle on this post. So I warn you ahead of time..Don’t even think about getting nasty on my blog. This is my place to vent, sort through my feelings or whatever I deem necessary. All comments will be reviewed prior to posting and the delete button is not hard to hit*

I’m not trying to down play an adoptive parent’s role here. As I stated before I do understand the pain this lady is going through. I WAS THERE! I WAS WITHOUT MY SON! Mothers that have relinguished their child(ren) know this pain as well.

You just can’t go into ANY situation without know the good and bad of it. I went into my adoption plan with only the “good” in mind. I found out FAST what the bad was going to be. I blindsided myself big time, and saw nothing but “sunshine and roses”. My neglect to look at reality did cause J & P a TREMENDOUS amount of pain. To this day I regret what I did to them, but I do NOT regret using my right to get my son back! NOT FOR ONE SECOND!

ETA: After going back and looking a little closer at this poster’s profile, I found it interesting that she has Open Adoption Turned to Closed Adoption as an interest. HHHMMM-was she planning an open, only to close it on the childs parents? If that was her intent…OH I won’teven go there! If it wasn’t her intent…then I apologize for thinking it is.

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Two Adoption Books

April 27, 2009 · Filed under Elijah, Family, PooWee, adoption, life, me

I don’t really write about my adoption story much anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever think back to the horrendously painful time in my life. I still read plenty of adoption related blog, written by all members of the triad. I continue to venture to forums on adoption.

I wonder why I let adoption continue to be a part of my life today, over two years later.  I realize that adoption was apart of my life at one time, but I wish it would just go away.

Perhaps, it’s because I do still think about what happened to us. Perhaps its because I still cry when I think of almost losing my Poo-Wee to adoption.  Maybe it’s because I am still face dealing with those people at work that still think I’m a horrible person for for parenting my son. Or could it be because J and I still cross paths at work, as I’m leaving she’s coming in or vise versa.

While in the early stages of my pregnancy J gave me a book to read. The book…

“Dear Birthmother” by Kathleen Sipler It’s a book about open adoption, containing letters from adoptive parents to the birthmother of their child(ren). Of course it only contains the positves.

Oh the SELFLESS act of the birthmother, how she loved her child so much and did what was best. (puke!) We’ve all heard it time and time again, whether it was from a book, a letter or a person saying it to you. I know I had plenty people say to me, how selfless I was for giving J & P my child.

Why is it that when an expectant mother makes an adoption plan she all of a sudden turns into the most beautiful, selfless, person in the world? Perhaps, she was this type of person BEFORE becoming pregnant. Wouldn’t this make any expectant mother that plans on raising her child selfish?

I’M NOT SELFISH BECAUSE I DECIDED TO PARENT MY SON(S)!

I despise this book. I most definitely do not feel it is an appropriate book for an expectant mother. I think it could almost be viewed as coercive. Though, I don’t feel J meant it to be for me. She hadn’t read the book, nor was she very educated on adoption.

Recently, I read a blog entry on this book. Written by Cassi at Adoption Truth. As I read her post,  I felt sick to my stomach. Recalling the ill taste of this book. Head over there and read the post.  It’s a bad book, but an excellent post on it. (Her blog is as excellent. Read her whole story.)

When I packed up everything J & P had given me to return to them, I put this book in the box. I remember wanting to add a note with the book, giving my opinion on it. I didn’t though, I just placed it in the box, happy to get rid of it. However, I do like the thought of what Cassi’s friend did to her copy. She BURNT it!

Today…I wish I had that copy J gave me. I like the idea of burning it. It might even be worth buying a copy and burning it. But then again, I’d only be adding to the sales rate of the book. And I wouldn’t give a dollar towards the support of this book.

“Dear Birthmother” is the only book I read on adoption.  I really want to read “The Primal Wound”, by Nancy Verrier. I’m too scared to at this point though. Scared that I will have to relate more to what my Poo-Man went through while being separated from me. I do realize it was only two weeks of separation, but I feel it could have been two weeks of LIVING HELL for him. How could I do that to my son. I also think he may still be affected by these feelings of the very beginning of his precious life.

I recall reading a passage at one time that stated a child that may be suffering from the separation pain will get very upset. They will cry a strong cry, arch their backs as if in pain and thrash themselves about.

My PooWee can do this. Oh and I understand that ANY child will get very upset at times. But, this statement burns in me. When I just can’t seem to comfort PooWee and he acts this way, I can only think it’s because of what I did to him. I’ve cried so many tears of pain when he does this, for I believe I have done this to him. I will just hold him and try to comfort him. If it’s too hard to hold him I sit next to him on the bed and rub his back. I want him to know the I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HIM! I WILL NEVER LEAVE HIM AGAIN!

I long to read this book, I don’t know if I will ever be able to though. Do any of us want to look at what we may have put our chil(ren) through.

With Elijah being in therapy for the pain his father out him through. He is facing this traumatic part in his life and he is only 10 years old. I’m 35 years old and I can’t seem to face the traumatic adoption experience I caused my son.

I’m thinking it’s time I face my evil and buy the book. That would be the first step. I’m sure it’ll sit on my book shelf for some time, but it would be a start. I hate to think of having to face the pain again. I’m coming to realize that it will always be painful, but I need to come to terms with the happy ending that pain resulted in.

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Another Eli Update

April 23, 2009 · Filed under Blind, Elijah, Parenting, fustration, life, visually impaired

I say it time and time again…Elijah takes the most out of me! It’s all worth it, I’d do ANYTHING for any of my boys.

OH let start with stating that I did get a break! Elijah went to an indoor water park resort for three days. Man was it quiet around here. I missed him, BUT I also enjoyed the peacefulness of the home.

Elijah can’t tolerate silence. I think his mind leads him to thinking he’s “alone”. He tends to make noise to comfort himself. That noise can be silly vocals, irritating a brother or banging on a wall. UGH!!!

Elijah lost a pair of his sunglasses while there. We always keep two pair. So far he’s been through four. Not too bad for having to wear them all the time for two plus years.  He is very particular, he will only wear one kind. So I venture to the website that I buy them from and they are OUT OF STOCK! UGH! This was the cheapest site I was able to find, the glasses were only $50 here! He needs a spare pair though so I search some more.

I found a site that had them on clearance for $24.99 with two pair left in stock! I bought both pair! Great news-ah?!

I fear that “his glasses” are getting discontinued though! If this is true…do I have any volunteers that are willing to break the news to him. I don’t think it’ll be a very pleasant transition to a new style. Atleast he’ll have four pair of these now. I may have to continue looking for more clearance deals.

His therapy sessions have been going well. He has been in his own room for quit some time now. However, there is concern with how often the TV is on. He goes to sleep with it on. Between Andrew and I we shut it off through out the night. It’s a guarantee that when I wake him up in the morning it will be on.

He uses the TV as his comfort from the silence and the darkness. His therapist is getting concerned with how often it is on, but we don’t see it going away for sometime.

Right now we are trying to get him to express his anger. Anger towards his father for what he did to him. He has every right to be angry. We are dealing with trust issue between Elijah and his therapist. Elijah confessed to me he doesn’t like telling him how he feels. He shares a lot with me and I will share it with the therapist. That works…to a point.

During therapy I really feel like Elijah just wants to burst into tears, but fights them too much. I’ve talked to him about this. I believe he doesn’t want his therapist to see him cry. I want him to cry, I want him to let it all out.

Yesterday he was just furious at his father. The therapist walked him through two “cool down” sessions. When we left Elijah confessed they really didn’t work. He stated, “I just want to hurt my dad, really bad. Like he has hurt me!”

I asked how giving his dad physical pain would help him with his internal pain. He says it would just make him feel good. I expressed that giving his dad a black eye wasn’t going to be the same. A black eye goes away on it’s own. Internal pain takes work, hard work. He said his dad deserves to feel what he is feeling.

I totally understand where he is coming from. I think Andrew could relate to his feelings as well. Andrew has stated to me more than once that he would love to beat the crap out of him. We truly are not violent people-HONESTLY! I think that the anger we all feel towards Elijah’s father has built up in us all that our bodies just get so tense thinking about him. The fists start to tighten and you just want to release it onto his face. I don’t see any of us actually doing it, but I have to admit it kinda is a nice thought.

Elijah was a total handful (to put it nicely) last night. I believe it was regression from the therapy session. He’s got anger built up and it’s starting to come out. Lord, help us all through this!

CCTV Update

I’ve been trucking along. Couldn’t even begin to tell you how many organizations I have called. Some can help, others can’t, some direct me to another organization.

NOTES NOTES NOTES, I have been eeping lots of them. I record every little detail, from names, to length of calls, you name I have it down.

Yesterday’s work lead me to an actual referral to an attorney. I will be waiting (impatiently) for his return call.

I’m also waiting for an independent living center to call me. Mom was confused on why this organization would help a 10 year old. She understood once I explained how the CCTV would be “independence” to Eli. Oh and the stress it would relieve from my shoulders! I told his VI teacher that if I had to go through another year without one I think I’m going to end up in the psych ward.

I get an email almost everyday from the resource specialist that is helping me. LOADS of information. She is truly a blessing through all this.

I really need to sit down and start typing out the appeal letter. h goodness, I need to get all proper with my grammar and all. Thank goodness I have the resource specialist willing to proof it and help me with adjustments. (You can all verify how “sloppy” I write!)

Went to a Visually Impaired Family Gathering here in town Tuesday night. It sponsored by Wisconsin School for the Blind and Visually Impaired Outreach program. It was held at our local Technical College. Sad news-they have to close their low vision center…EVERYTHING is going, equipment to employees. I want to get Elijah is to check all the equipment out once more before they are gone. June 15th is the end of this service here. :(

Our next gathering will be in late September. I am in charge of setting it up along with the director of the Outreach program. She lives in Janesville, so I will the local issues. I’m excited and hope it turns out great. One goal of mine will be to get the families and kids to interact more. We all sit with our families and there’s not too much interaction. I’d like a project for the little kids to do, a bigger kid group and then a parent discussion.

I’ve got sometime yet. BUT then again before you know it, it will be here!

I was also asked to look at being trained as a Parent-Educator Support person. I would get free training, held 5 times a year and a stipend to help with childcare. Problem being training is on the weekends.

I would be a resource person for other parents when it comes to the education of their visually impaired child(ren). I would team up with Elijah’s VI teachers. I’m very interested in doing it.

After mentioning it to my resource specialist, she thought I would also do great as a parent trainer for the organization that she works with. They are the ones that held the classes I was taking on being a parent advocate for children of special needs.

Here to it’s free training. Difference is you need speak and hold sessions like the ones I attended. I believe it’s actually a paid position too. I would also be very interested in this.

Oh my! What am I (possible) getting myself into? First things first though. I want to get the CCTV situation all straightened out. In other words…I want it in my home on Elijah’s desk. And then I want to make sure that Elijah is a a comfort level with therapy and dealing with his past.

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Friends Forever

April 23, 2009 · Filed under Just for fun, life, me

Bryan responded Tuesday evening.  It was a short reply as his computer has a virus and is getting fixed, so he was at a friend’s borrowing theirs.

I lost count how many times I checked my email to see if he had responded yet. I think I have read his response atleast 50 times already. Each time practically brings me to tears.

It feels really good to be back in touch.

I wrote another friend who I’ve been also been out of touch with. It’s nice to reconnect. Letting time separate you from the ones you love is sad. I feel good.

I’ll call her K-lady on here. It a shortening of a nickname I use to call her way back in out elementary school days. I met her in 4th grade when I had changed schools. We also went to the same church. I stand by my words, “We were not the ones shooting Skittles off of the balcony during church service.” (Ok so maybe we were, but that was a long time ago!) LOL

She too went too camp each summer. Honestly, camp is one of my fondest memories from my childhood. I can almost picture the whole campground as it was back then. The lake, the cabins, the woods and Vesper point. I loved it all.

K-lady was always faithful in sending Christmas cards and birth announcements of her children. I never answered any of them back. As I told her, I wanted too, but I didn’t feel my story was all that great to tell. I know it shouldn’t have mattered. K-lady never would have judged me, as Bryan never would have.

She is married to her high school sweetheart and they have three beautiful children, two boys and a lil diva.  I know she’s an awesome mommy. She always loved kids. She was the favorite sitter on the block. I always pictured her as having a bundle of kids.

Bryan and K-lady are very special people from my past. This time…I’m not going to let them slip away!

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A Long Over Due Letter

April 18, 2009 · Filed under life, me

Today I sat down and wrote an email to someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in about 10 years.

When I was a kid I use to attend a church camp every summer. One summer sticks in my head as being completely awesome. It was the summer Bryan was directing it. We went on a rafting trip, slept under the stars and ventured to another camp. It was just amazingly fun. I’ll never forget the glow in the dark wood. :)

I also attended a weekend retreat right before my freshman year, that he directed. It was a very intense and emotional weekend. Bryan became a huge inspiration in my life after that weekend.

When I found out I was pregnant with Andrew at the age of 16, I went to Bryan. I remember writing him the letter, thinking how disappointed he would be in me. He opened his arms to me.

I had asked him to be Andrew’s God father and he excepted.

Throughout the years we did loose touch. But I always knew where to find him. I just had to search his name and it would lead me to his website. He’s a musician, a christian singer songwriter. I’d read up on him, and always think about writing, but never did.

Not sure what held me back. What matters is that I did, tonight I finally wrote him an email. It brought me to tears by the second line. Again, I fear that perhaps I may have disappointed him. But, knowing Bryan, he will only open his arms to me once again.

I feel good that I finally sat down and wrote him. Of course it was 10 years of information shoved into a nutshell. But well, I didn’t want to bore him too much. :)

I would love to link you all to his site. Many of you would probably love his music as much as I do. He’s an amazing guy, does many mission trips to Haiti, writes some very inspirational songs. He holds a special place in my heart.

However, I’m just not sure I want him to know of my blog just quite yet. I really don’t know why. I told him all about the Pooman “situation”. We’ll see, when I’m ready I’ll invite him here. Perhaps it’s because nobody I know in real life knows of this site except one of my sisters. Maybe it’s that whole totally opening myself up to someone thing. If your interested I’ll gladly email his site to you. Just leave me a comment.

And now I wait, for his reply. I’m excited and will probably be checking my email every 10 minutes.

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My Andrew is All Grown Up!

April 16, 2009 · Filed under Andrew, Just for fun, life, me

It’s really starting to hit me that my first born child is getting ready to leave the house. My Andrew is ready to begin his adventure.

As much as I hate the thought of not having him home at night, I am excited for him. I am so proud of him. Throughout growing up I told him of my many mistakes, and that he could learn from them too. He’s done very well. When I look at him lately I can’t help but think, "Man, when I was your age I was taking care of you."

I realized today that I never shared his Senior portraits with all of you. There must have been 200 that we had to choose from. It took him and I over two hours to decide. Here, are our final choices. Personally, I like the ones he is smiling in. (I paid for those teeth! He better show them off!) :)

http://www.laurajstudios.com/AndrewD/

He’s a pretty cute kid, isn’t he! His curfew got earlier after these pictures. Just kidding-LOL

I never experienced my Senior year. Andrew was born two weeks before it started and I just never ended up returning. Wow, I never really realized how busy and expensive it was.

He’s definitely broken the bank this year more than once. Whether it’s his large lunch bill, a senior trip, senior portraits, graduation cap and gown, class shirts, sports fees or just going out with friends. I had to start putting him to work for some of this extra money. My house gets pretty clean now and then. :) In two weeks is Senior Prom. $100.00 (for tux) is getting my window sills cleaned, windows washed, mop boards scrubbed and whatever else I don’t feel like doing. (Oh I am so mean!)We all know it’s not going to end at the $100.00, he’ll need more in the end.

My biggest problem with him this year is keeping on track. He just wants to be done with high school. His grades are the worst they have ever been. It’s rather disgusting how much the dropped. In fact, his butt is grounded for them. He also needs to give me study time each night. He despises that as he has never studied throughout his school years. He never saw a need, his grades were awesome without studying. And of course no one could get it through his head that 30 minutes of studying now and then could give him straight As.

I’m getting all worked up with everything he needs to do to prepare for college. He needs to do his placement testing, there’s a parent night coming, he has new student orientation, and whatever comes in the mail next week. He’s so layed back and doesn’t do anything until last minute…it’s DRIVING ME NUTS!

He was very upset with me yesterday. For months I’ve been telling him to sit down and do his taxes. I’ve taken his tax forms and taped them to the computer time and time again. “Yeah, I’ll do it later!”

Last year I ended up staying up late on the 14th with him falling asleep on the floor next to me, doing his taxes. NOT THIS YEAR!

He waited until Monday night to do them. Then he couldn’t find his forms from last year, so he could electronically file. Nor did he feel like going into the basement into his storage tote to see if they were there. He decided he would just send them in. Of course he also chose NOT to mail them. Morning of the 15th he asks me to do him a favor. "Oh NO I told him! Guess you’ll have to be late to Lacrosse practice. I’ve warned you for months. NO WAY!" Of course it was just awful that I wouldn’t do him ONE LITTLE favor. Oh I chuckle. He got over it fast when we started talking about what he all needed for prom.

He’s still planning on moving out this summer. It’s sad, but I totally understand him not wanting to hang out here anymore. I tease him and tell him he’s still going to need his mommy now and then. He’s like, "No Way!" Then I ask him when he’s out of money and needs gas, where’s he going to go? When his cupboards are empty and his belly is growling, where’s he going to go? Or how about when he doesn’t do his laundry and ends up with a huge pile, where’s he going for the free washer and dryer? He starts to laugh, cuz he knows…he’ll still need his mommy! :) And I love that feeling!

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Home Modification…My ASS!

April 14, 2009 · Filed under Blind, Elijah, Ranting, fustration, venting, visually impaired, whining, work

Right now I so want to announce my employers name. I want to let everyone know who the B@stards are that are denying my son a CCTV. An assistive technology device that will allow him to read his textbooks, a comic, or even the directions on making mac and cheese without straining his eyes. A device that will make up for his vision loss. A device that can only help him and benefit him.

I called my insurance company yesterday, as it marked the 30th day my claim was in the review process. The lady was typing my denial form up when I called. My insurance is employer provided so they make the “big” decisions. It is my employer that denied my claim!  The reason…

“A*****s is not making any home modifications at this time.”

I sent them the necessary information supporting a CCTV as a durable medical equipment and a prosthetic device, so they couldn’t turn me down in those areas. But, gee look at that…they found a new reason to turn me down.

I am so PISSED! I so want to go off on all the stupid ass awards they pay for. All the unnecessary advertising  they hang up through the community about how awesome of a place they are. I so want to tell all about the awful things as an employee I see. I would just love to spread the name of the business or person that is denying a blind child a better life.

I emailed an attorney out of New Mexico that has fought for CCTV funding from insurance companies. He replied right away with, “a CCTV is NOT a home modification.” He gave me some more ideas to look into and stated that I may be able to appeal my insurance company as well.

Through a parent advocate class I was taking on having special needs children  have the support of a few organizations. I am currently working with a resource specialist that is getting ready to assist me with the appeal.

I can only look at this as being…

ONE STEP CLOSER!!!

Elijah will get a CCTV. I’m not stopping this time.

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Meet Mr. D

April 6, 2009 · Filed under Just for fun, life, me

Mr. D has appeared again.

I’ve never talked about him on the blog before. He’s become a daily “thing” for me recently, so I’ll introduce him.

Mr. D and I met about three years ago. A time in my life when I started venturing out for a possible relationship. I hadn’t dated for a few years and I had the urge to start.

He is a single dad of a son, R  just a few years younger than Andrew. R’s mother really doesn’t play a role in his life. Well, the role she plays is unhealthy for R. I will admit that Mr. D’s role of being an admirable single father attracted me to him.

Mr. D, R, the boys and I all went bowling once and had a great time. Guess you could say that would have been our second “date”. :)

He has the same sassy sarcastic sense of humor I do. We often go round and round “attacking” each other, laughing our butts off.  Currently we have the text message battle going one. There’s a lot of  LOLs or LMAOs being returned.

He loves my cookies! Can’t go wrong with a men that loves your baking. He thinks he deserves some chocolate chip cookies soon. I’m thinking I need my berry bushes cleaned out. They attract all the flying garbage from fall. We haven’t settled this battle yet. :)

Mr. D and I were in the beginning stages of dating when I found out I was pregnant with the Poo-man. I really liked him and had been having a GREAT time hanging out with him. Perhaps this had part of my immediate decision of adoption.

(Rewind:I’m still stumped on why I had that night with PooWee’s dad. We were long time friends and he had often”tried”, but I always refused. What made me give in that night is BEYOND me! The way I see it now…without that night I wouldn’t have my PooWee, so it happened so PooWee could become a part of my life.)

It was a hard conversation, telling Mr. D that I was pregnant. Seeing we hadn’t had that type of relationship he knew the baby I was carrying wasn’t his. He was amazing and excepted it whole heartedly.

However, it did affect things. I know I drifted away. I stopped returning calls. Perhaps he started drifting as well. I believe the whole stress of my situation played a huge role.

We never lost touch. There were emails sent now and then. They always made me smile.

This past Valentines Day he sent me a valentine wish via email. How sweet is that. I couldn’t tell you the last time I received one. Since then we have pretty much talked daily.

I can feel myself getting excited for further communication, but I know I hold myself back as well. My life has changed so much since we dated that I am so unsure of becoming more than just friends.

Two weeks ago I broke down and told him that I can’t go further in our friendship because I didn’t feel he needed to go down the path my life  lead me. I can’t see him wanting to get into a relationship with a woman who has a young child. I told him that I can see myself wanting “more” from him and that makes it hard for me.

His truly a sweet guy. He told me not to worry about it and that he is always there for me if I need him for anything. (And he called me a Dork! WHATEVER!!) I saw it as a pretty neutral response. He didn’t say he agreed with me, but he didn’t say he disagreed either.

In reality we never saw each other too often. He works the normal work week and I work the weekends. We’d fit some evenings in there, but three years ago sitters were so much easier to come by for me. Eli would often choose to just sleep over at Grandma’s house verses getting up at 5:30 in the morning. (Grandma babysat him while I worked all weekend back then.) So, Mr. D and I would often grab an ice cream or just hang for a couple hours before I had to get my sleep.

Now…now we would probably even see each other less. Unless there were kids along.

I don’t know why I continue to debate this issue. Why can’t I just let it go with the flow. I know I’d like to see it progress, but don’t see that as a reality. Maybe I fear getting hurt. I don’t know.

I guess I’ll just have to look for his reaction to things. He knows what my life holds. I don’t see him as the type of guy to use me till someone better comes along, so if things progress maybe I’ll just go along with it.

Now…do I make those chocolate cookies? Or should I wait till my bushes are cleaned out? :)

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