The Look

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

H.A. Giles, Chuang Tse

 

I love dreams. Falling asleep and entering a whole new world. Some dreams can feel so real, others I hardly remember.

I use to be more “into” my dreams. I kept a dream journal. I read book after book. I’d like to get back into writing a dream journal. My dreams were often answering my questions. Though at that moment I hadn’t realized it.

One dream put me into the future.

My ex-husband (OH how I love saying EX!) and I had decided to get tattoos. He drew up an ying yang sun, which we place two inches below the bellybutton (center point of the body). I laid on the table and realized I had been in this place before. The blue walls with all the pictures to the beads hanging from a doorway.

As soon as I got home, I read through my dream journal. I found it, I was at this place before. At the time of this dream, my ex was in northern California and I was in Wisconsin dealing with all the legal stuff to move Andrew out of Wisconsin. Our marriage was not good, but we thought a new place would give us a new beginning and perhaps make us live “happily ever-after”.

At the time I hadn’t heard from *** for weeks and I had no way of contacting him. Before going to sleep I had written a question for my dream to answer. “Will I ever see *** again?” My narrative of my dream spoke of a room with blue walls, beads hanging in a doorway, a dentist looking chair, a padded table and may different items scattered throughout. This was my first encounter with the tattoo parlor.

Elijah also kept a dream journal. Though it may be more appropriate to call his a nightmare journal. He suffered horrible nightmares due to the above mentioned EX tell him that he would be killed at night in his sleep. At 4 years old Elijah was terrified of sleep.

When he would have a nightmare he would tell me about it. I wrote it all down just as he explained it. He would then draw a picture of his nightmare. One particular nightmare I recall his father was trying to put “stuff” in Eli’s eyes so he couldn’t see. Elijah hid behind a chair, but his father found him. Eli stated his eyes were burning and all he could see was a red fire. I think of this nightmare often, when I think of Elijah’s visual impairment. I don’t know if they are connected, but I often wonder…

Last night I awoke from my dream. My dream had clarified a puzzling situation for me. This situation has haunted me for over a year. Today, I feel my initial instinct on this moment was correct and I hope to put it all at ease.

It was Christmas Eve 2006, I had gotten PooWee from J and P’s. It was to be my “decision day” on whether I would parent him or give him to J and P to parent. As many of you know, he nursed, so I knew he would be coming home soon.

J and P were at my place picking PooWee up to go to their family gathering that evening. They had brought us all presents Eli was your typical kid tearing into his packages. I began showing them the stocking I was knitting for PooWee along with a sweater. Both incomplete, but were to be his Christmas present.

And there it was the look on J’s face. She gave P this look that until last night I could not figure out. She didn’t comment on the knitted gifts, she just looked at P. It’s a hard look for me to describe, I didn’t understand it. Which is why it has haunted me ever since.

In my dream, this Christmas Eve night was played out exactly as it happened, except I not only saw J’s look, I heard her thoughts.

“She’s not going to see him anymore to give him that!”

I awoke instantly. THAT B*TCH!!! I knew it! I knew she was going to cut me out of my son’s life.

At this moment I was so warmed by PooWee’s presence laying next to me my bed. I rolled over held him in my arms, kissed him on his head and told him I loved him. I felt so much happiness as I fell asleep with my son curled up next to me in my arms.