What Would You Do?

Once again I have popped out of bed. This time to warm up some soup for supper. As it’s warming thought I’d run through the blog roll. Even though looking at the computer makes me quite dizzy…more than I already am!

Went to check out what Jacey has been up to and you’ve gotta check out what she did for her son! OMG! This woman has truly “UP-ED” the the definition for mother!

Bless her!!!

I just had to share that with all of you!

Contact Precautions!

We’re all sick. Well, Elijah, PooWee and myself. The teenagers..Andrew and Chad they are fine…SO FAR! (Probably because they are never home to catch our germs!)

Elijah had a 102.7 fever over the weekend. As he stated, “My head feels empty and all wobbly!” Yep-he got himself the flu! Doc wants him out of school till atleast Wed. If he’s not feeling better by then we head back in to see her.

I have a nasty chest cold going on. Coughing so hard and often my gut HURTS! UUGH! I HATE BEING SICK!

PooWee has been teething again, nose just a running. It’s been clear all week though. Well, until yesterday it turn thick and yellowish green. He’s earned himself some antibiotics. Must taste good, he wants more after giving him his dose!

So, I’m headed back to bed!

May you all stay healthy! - Don’t worry, I’ve sanitized the blog!

(Edited to add-STAY AWAY from Wausau! My mom just said the news reported that we have been hit HARD with influenza! Just incase any of you were planning on visiting me!) 

Whirl of Emotion

This past Sat. I ran into J in our breakroom. Though she works in the unit across the hall from mine, we share a blanket warmer and it’s located in my units breakroom.

She was there getting a warm blanket for her patient. I went in to put some paperwork back into my mailbox.

This is not the first time we have crossed paths. The first was this past summer. I was leaving work and she was coming in. As we crossed paths on the sidewalk, she had a look to kill. Her lips were curled and her eyes just glared straight ahead.

At this point I had learnt so much already. I had learnt that for 9 months I was not councelled and uneducated. I take full responsibility for not educating myself. I made up a fairy tale adoption in my head and that’s what I thought would happen in the end.

I would be making two people the most happiest people in the world. They suffered so with their infertility and I was as fertile as they come, WHAT A MATCH! My child would be raised with me in his life. I would be able to squeeze him and kiss him whenever I wanted. It would be a beautiful life. I could see us all holding hands skipping through a field of fresh flowers. (HA!) But, I wouldn’t have to get up all night, change diapers and  deal with crabby time. Yes, I was told and then believed..it was a WIN-WIN situation.

I wanted to tell her off about the letter she wrote me the day I got my son back. In it she told me that after a few months when I realized it was “too hard”, she hoped I would “bite my pride” and return him to them. “TOO HARD”…..”BITE MY PRIDE” my son was nothing but a joy and my pride…my pride is quite proud of what I did! IF…IF I had realized things were too hard…J and P would not have been my choice to parent my son. I would have looked into another couple.

As I passed her this day and I saw her look, I simply gave a quick UH laugh and continued on my way. I shrugged her attitude, because of her ignorance to what all was wrong with our plan. She has no clue that I shouldn’t have been referred to as a “birthmother” over and over again by our agency. She has no clue that I should have had more counselling, unbiased at that. Our agency didn’t provide them with any classes or counselling as well. My son was referred to as their son all along, agency included, this was wrong. They too were coerced by the agency. They were lead to believe that this deal was final, it was never final.

I laughed because I still had so much anger within me. Anger from the prank phone calls, anger from the way her family treated me and my family. Anger at the time I thought would never go away.

The anger is somewhat still there. I feel I would like to “tell them off”. I would like to scream at them for intruding on my time at the hospital. Scream at them for giving my son colic drops when he cried like crazy,when all he need was reassurance that he was OK. He should have been held, cuddled and told that they knew he was scared everything is different than when he was with HIS mother. 

I wish I could throw all that I have learnt in their faces. Just to show them that what I did was not wrong. I had EVERY RIGHT to parent my son. Would it make a difference though. J’s best friend C, has stated “no matter what, their is no excuse for what she did.” Our agency once told J that I was “the perfect birthmother”. In my eyes..now…they were RIGHT, I found a way, a way to parent. I took all the bullsh*t they lead me to believe and threw it out the window and brought my son home. A PERFECT choice for a MOTHER.

Saturday, in the breakroom for the whole 5 seconds that J and I were in there together I had a whirl wind of emotions. Part of me wanted to do as I had previously done, but the other part wanted to hug her and cry. I wanted to congratulate her on her boys, I wanted to express that I didn’t mean to cause them pain. But, instead she turned her head and I turned towards my mailbox, put my papers in it and walked out.

There were two other people in there at the time. Would things have been different if they were not there. Will we ever meet up sometime. Will there ever be harsh words exchanged? Will we all beable to let go of our anger and see the happieness that has come out of it? Have they learned all that I have. Do they feel that our agency addressed us all properly.

J went to weekend only on her unit now. With me being weekend only on my unit, I’m sure we will cross paths again. Pretending we are strangers seems to work well. The moment may be uncomfortable for both of us. The aftermath for me, sents my blood boiling and my eyes to water. I’m not sure if we will ever sit down and talk about everything, but if we do…I HAVE ALOT TO SAY!

What we’ve been up to

WOW, things have just been crazy around here. Which is why I haven’t posted for a days.

Andrew had a good time in Spain, though he complained about how expensive everything was. I guess a soda was $3 and about half the size of our soda cans.

He braved all and went into the ocean. Though his father argued that he wasn’t sure Andrew actually went IN because he was OUT quite fast. Andrew argued that he did it twice and stated it was FREEZING.

While shopping the other day I got to learn ALL about alligators. Andrew was going on and on about them. Here one night at the hotel, the only program he could find that was in English was a National Geographic program about….yep alligators!

His father and now step-mom got married on a boat.  Andrew’s grandpa videotaped the wedding, I can’t wait to see it and all the pictures.

Elijah got his long white cane and…lost it! He received it on Wed and it was lost by Sun. We THINK he set it on the car seat and then it slipped into the garbage we keep in the car. I emptied that garbage on pickup day. We were both freaking…what was school going to say? I figured I would just replace it.

He was very upset because he promised his mobility specialist he wouldn’t lose it. He was even sleep walking and mumbling about not knowing where it was. Two nights he was walking around saying, “I can’t find my cane! Where’s my cane!” SLEEPING, it was hard to wake him up and get him back to bed. I barely slept worrying about him walking around. And PooWee still gets up for his “snacks” at night, so I have been very sleep deprived. His mobility specialist told us, “Canes get broken, canes get lost, canes can be replaced…and so it will be!” She told me not to worry about replacing it and she will take care of it. Yet, even last night Eli was dreaming about it. Guess he’s just really wondering what happened to it. I really am too, he was VERY cautious of where he put it.

PooWee has discovered what a step stool is for. He is pushing it all over the place and getting into even more stuff. He climbs on it and then whines for help to get down. I have to go hold his hand, then he jumps down.

He was kinda cranky the other day and just would not let me do anything. I REALLY needed to get the dishes done, so I pulled his stool over to the sink, stood him up on it and turned the water on slowly. He helped me with dishes. HE HAD A BLAST! Filling a cup up and then dumping it over and over. Of course he was soaked, the floor was wet and even I got quite wet, BUT…I got my dishes DONE!

I BOUGHT A SNOWBLOWER!  I BOUGHT A SNOWBLOWER!!!   YAY!!!!!

I even used it, and it was kinda fun! It’s not a very big one, but it blows the snow right up that darn hill on the side. I was blowing snow way into the middle of the back yard. I was loving it! Now I’m living the “high life!”

When I went to look most stores were completely out. Lawnmowers were out already. I found two stores with just a few on hand yet. I had my choice of the one I got or a really big one. I think I may have fantasized about the bigger ones. I would be the coolest chic on the block with one of them, but seeing they were $1000.00 - I choose the $250.00 one instead. Andrew tried talking me out of it, saying “We don’t need one anymore, winter is almost over!” OH NO, I WASN’T GOING TO HEAR THAT AGAIN! We say that every year when I get my taxes back and then when the following winter comes, we’re whining we don’t have one.  

Today we got 8-12 inches of snow. Andrew went out and blew. I think he’s happy I got it too. Eli really wants to check it out, so tomorrow I may go out and blow some more with him. The plow has yet to go down our road, so I’m sure there will be a nice pile at the end of the driveway. We’ll see how much power this baby really has! Just need to think of  name for her yet.

My birthday was the 13th. 34 years old! The boys and I went out for supper. It was nice. I got a  gift certificate for Starbucks from my sister Gayle!!!! (THANKS SO MUCH GAYLE!! LOVE YOU ALL!!) SO EXCITED ’bout that, ‘cus I am addicted to Starbucks, but HATE spending so much for coffee. When Starbucks first came to town I swore I wasn’t even going to enter the place. I did good until they put a little kiosk in the hospital lobby! How convenient, just a short walk from where I work. Yeah, they sucked me right in!

I got the boys, Andrew and Chad a bunk bed. Twin on top and futon on the bottom. They’re getting the room straighten out slowly, but it’s coming along. Elijah and I went through his two dressers and gave them to Andrew and Chad. Elijah’s clothes are now in a storage unit I bought. I think it’ll be easier for him to see and keep his clothes neatly put away. We cleaned out Andrew’s closet, which was basically a storage closet for odds and ends.

This past week has basically been cleaning, yet my place is a disaster! There are boxes here and there. Stuff for Good Will and stuff to get down to the basement. Next we have to get to the basement and make room for all this STUFF.

Chad went to his first doctors appointment with April this past week. He planned on just sitting in the waiting room. I told him he HAD to go in and hear the heartbeat. He went in with her. I think he’ll be going to more with her too.

I attended her babyshower on Sat. I posted a super quick post about it on her blog. I have alot of things I want to do for her yet. UGGGGG where is the time going??!!!

I suppose I should catch some shut eye tonight. I actually have to go to a mandatory educational program tomorrow morning for work. I don’t want to! Yes I’m whining! I just put in 38hrs in the past three days. I don’t want to return to that place till next weekend! HEY! Maybe we’ll get more snow and the roads will be super bad and then I’ll have an excuse not to go! I guess winter is good for something….sometimes!

April

Just a quick post today, to let you all know that I posted an update on April on the blog. April’s shower Met with her last night. And now today I’m off to get everyone interested access to her registry.

Winter Whine

Winter. YUCK! I decided I haven’t whined to you all about winter here. So, today you get to hear it! (Aren’t you lucky!)

I DESPISE IT! I LOATH IT! I CAN’T STAND IT! It’s freezing! Everyone tells me I need to put some weight on then it wouldn’t be so bad! WHATEVER!!! I wear three shirts, socks up to my thighs, a huge winter jacket, and of course gloves. I would consider that enough added weight! A person needs to get up an hour early just to get dressed to go outside!

Then there’s the kids. PooWee can sure put up a battle when it comes to getting ready to go. You finally get him all dressed, you turn to pick up the diaper bag and turn back to pick him up and he’s got his gloves and hat off. Yes, I just grin and bear it.

Let’s not forget Elijah. He’s 9, he knows it’s not 80 degrees outside, then WHY do I constantly have to run down a checklist with him! Do you have socks on? Do you have your snow pants in your backpack? Please ZIP your coat. Put on your cap. Where are your gloves? Don’t forget to grab your boots!

Andrew…he’s your typical teenager. No coat, if he does have it on it’s unzipped. Cap, too cool for that. And what are gloves? It’s not just him either. When I pick him up from school…it’s all the kids! (Atleast I know he’s not an “outcast”!)

Then there’s the snow. Sure, it can be beautiful….when it’s not outside my living room window! I accept any offer to shovel my driveway and sidewalk. (Hey Coco! Wanna add to your ways of helping for this month?) An inch or two is not bad, but when it’s up to your waist…who can shovel that? (OK so it’s not quite that high, but sure feels like it!)

My driveway isn’t the greatest to shovel either. It’s “L” shaped. Along the long part you have to throw the snow up a hill towards the neighbor’s house because on the other side is my house. It’s fine in the beginning of winter, but when the snow starts piling, it tends to roll back down. Then the bottom of the “L” is where our garage is. The snow needs to be pushed to the backyard. Well, this pushing can really add up to more like throwing in closer to the backyard repeatedly until you FINALLY make it there.

The sidewalk and front walkway are not as horrible. So once you make it this far you are just thankful that you are almost done.

Finally, after an hour of shoveling you go in the house to get nice and warm. It takes another 20 minutes just to get all the gear off. You go and sit down to rest the acking bones. Put the feet up lean back and just relax for abit. BUT WAIT! What’s that nose? THE COTTON PICKIN SNOW PLOW! Oh, it’s nice to have the streets plowed..of course. BUT!!!! The snowplow only means you have to head back outside for probably another 30 minutes just to clean up the end of the driveway. The plow will leave big chunks, heavy wet, snow packed up to your knees.

And of course when you go out to start your car (30 min before you need to leave) you find that the driveway doesn’t even look like you shoveled. The wind has so nicely blown the snow from the neighbors yard into the driveway.

This year it seems to like to snow on the weekends. What does mother nature think? Like I really want to shovel after work. I’m up at 5am, don’t get home until 8pm? Yeah-the first thing I want to do is run home and shovel! I just couldn’t think of anything nicer to do!

Forget the snow, lets talk WIND CHILL. Wind chill…more lie WIND FREEZE!

Sweet Mother Nature, I love you! You have a beautiful place here for us. I hug your trees, I pick up litter. I smell your beautiful flowers. So…PLEASE TELL ME, WHY, WHY you must give me a NEGATIVE 50 degree wind chill? Why am I punished like that? Of course they cancel school, so  it’s GREAT I don’t have to leave the house. Only problem…there’s NO TOILET PAPER! So, now matter what, I must go to the store. And of course the teenagers all have to head to the mall.

I’m not even going to get in to the CONSTANT runny noses. I’ve learnt to ALWAYS have a kleenex in my pocket.

Oh there is ONE good thing about winter. It keeps your soda cold in the car while you run into the store.

Reaching the Unreachable

My adoption posts often show my pain and anger towards my situation. I tend to focus on the negative aspects of adoption. Perhaps because I view my situation as such a negative time in my life. However, without that time in my life I never would be here today.

When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure what types of reactions I would get from mothers that relinquished their rights, mothers that are parenting through adoption or even adoptees.  I thought for sure I would get some angry comments, telling me how horrible I was for taking PooWee from J & P. I was wrong….. completely wrong! I’ve encounter such negativity with people I knew, I figured for sure I’d encounter it with people I couldn’t even see.

I thought my “enemy” per say would be those that have adopted. I’m sure there are some out there that have read my blog and their blood was boiling towards me. But they respectably choose not to comment.

Imagine my surprise on one of my firsts post, “I’m Back!” when I read Heathers comment. WOW, she was telling me that changing my mind was OK. AND WAIT, she was a mother through adoption. I was amazed! 

I ventured to Heathers blog and have grown SO MUCH respect for her. She is completely amazing. Her son Puppy is truly blessed. Though I’m sure Heather will return with she and her husband, T are the ones that are blessed. Yet, Puppy’s mother, K and father, R that relinguished their rights are also truly blessed, for they are so very welcomed by Puppy’s parents. I think it’s safe to say they are all truly blessed with each other.

But, it wasn’t only Heather. I got positive responses from others too. Like Judy, Mamm2roo, and more.

Imtina sent me to Erin. I only read one post of Erin’s and I’m contemplating whether her and Heathers are the same person.

I’m sure there are many many more out there, that I haven’t come across yet as well. I’d love to go through all the blogrolls, however I haven’t yet. I find it quit difficult to find the time to read all the ones I do now.

I think what I’m trying to say is…I’m not against anyone that is adopting or has adopted. I see the beauty that it can bring. When an adoption is fulfilled ethically and all involved respect one another it can turn out to be a truly beautiful life for all involved.

I still worry sometimes that I portray myself to be completely against adoption. What I’m against is the unethical “crap” that goes on. Like…

-expectant mothers being called “Birthmother”

-signing TPR at the hospital (Just came across a post where a lady was excited because she only had to wait 24hrs after the birth and the mother could sign TPR. EXCITED! Excited that the mother would probably be signing under the influence of pain killers! UNBELIEVABLE, JUST UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!)

-when prospective adoptive parents call a child theirs before he/she truly is theirs

-why do those that are adopting have to pay such a hefty price

And the list goes on. We all know the unethical acts that still go on today. How do we change them though? How do we get people to listen? We read each other’s blogs, but what about those that have no clue. What about the expectant mothers like me, that have NO CLUE what the real thing is. How could this information have gotten to me when I wasn’t on the internet? One would like to think the agency would have provided it for me.

 What about people wanting to adopt, like J & P that had NO CLUE to how it things really can go? Were they ever informed on how the birth can affect a mother. How denial of her unborn child, becomes real the moment the child is born? They too were way uneducated.

The agencies, the laws, how do we get them to change? Where are our billboards that speak for adoption reform. I’m sick of seeing the adoption advertisements. Oh, they make it look so sweet, and painless.

What about those that aren’t involved directly with adoption. How can they become educated on the practices that take place today. We’ve all probably educated those around us. Some that I have spoken with cant believe what cango on. Many people don’t really even think about adoption until someone they know are involved in it. I never really did, until I found myself frantic because I had a positive pregnancy test. I freaked and within a few hours I chose adoption and refused to look back. PooWee made me look back and then I could not see the future without him.

I want us to reach those that are unreachable.