Life and my boys

Dear April

Andrew told me, it’s a girl! I’ll admit I’m abit jealous, no pretty lil dresses for me. Instead, I’ve gotten bugs and other gross stuff. I know they say the sex of a baby comes from the father, I’d like to differ. When those female spermies hit my body they run! I say I’ve been “doomed by the penis.”

As I told you in the letter I hand wrote you, I’m sorry for what you are experiencing right now. It’s hard, it’s painful and emotions can be very overwhelming. I also told you congrats, because you are experiencing the miracle of life. And that is the most beautiful thing there is. I told you, your were now a mother and forever will be a mother. Your life will never be the same again, no matter what you choose. I encouraged you to EDUCATE EDUCATE EDUCATE yourself on all your options, both good and bad of each.

So far I have received two letters from mothers who have relinquished their daughters for you. Sandra offered to write you one on how she was a teen mother who parented. Sandra’s offer encouraged me to write you on how parenting Andrew has affected my life.

I was 16 and Mike was 18 when we found out I was pregnant with Andrew. I went to the see Dr. B. because I was having alot of side cramping. I was in shock when she told me I was pregnant. Truthfully, I started laughing in her office. I recall asking her why I was laughing. She replied, “because you are in shock and sometimes we laugh when we have no other words.” Then when I exited the building I started bawling my eyes out with my friend,  who had come with me.

I knew I was going to parent him immediately. Infact, when I told my mother that very night she asked me, “Now, what are you going to do?” I replied, “Keep my baby.”

I was a rebellious teen. I skipped school, snuck out of the house, even took off to California for 3 weeks the year before. I did what I wanted. I had failed every single class the semester before I found out I was pregnant and I truthfully, didn’t care.

It seems that from the moment I found out I changed. I now had something to care about. That semester in school I ended up having a 3.0 average. Alot of this probably having to do with not going to parties anymore, not hanging out with my friends. But, I had also started realizing, I had to grow up, I had to be responsible for all my actions now.

It was hard walking down those high school halls with a belly hanging out. I could feel every eye on me as I walked into the lunch room. Friends started drifting off. They didn’t quite gasp why I didn’t feel up to going to the party or walking the mall.

Soon, you too will endure the looks, and the comments. Stay strong, hold your head high. And always remember, in the end it’s between you and God. Your true friends will stick by you.

Mike and I had gotten an apartment. It was my choice to move out of my mother’s house. I felt she didn’t need to “put up” with a baby in her home. She worked long hours and finances weren’t perfect for her. When I told her Mike and I had found an apartment, her eyes glazed over with tears. Today, I feel she would have supported me staying at home with her, I just chose not too.

Andrew was born 2 weeks before my senior year. In order for me to graduate, I had a packed schedule with no time off to study. I ended up never attending a day of school. I became a “high school drop out.”  I find it unbelievable to look back and see how I had NO help in returning to school. I was never counselled during pregnancy on continuing. The school system never sent notices to my mother asking where I was. It’s almost as if they just erased me from the record books.

I have faith that if you decide to parent, you will finish school. I’m also aware of the many programs they now have for teen mothers to finish school. Before totally deciding on parenting, make sure you have your action plan in place. Andrew tells me you are very smart, so I know you can do it. Juggling school and a child WILL BE HARD, but IS NOT impossible.

Mike and I lasted in our apartment for only a few months. He was working two jobs to try to make ends meet. We were constantly fighting, things were not good. His parents opened up there home to us. I lived there for a few months until I turned 18 and got my own place with Andrew.

I was now a member of the welfare system. I didn’t like it. Being 18 I was now able to work full-time, so I went out and got a factory job to get off of welfare. I hated it, but I proud to be supporting my son all on my own.

My friends…what friends, they were in school, they were living up their senior year. One after noon I was driving around, here it happened to be graduation night. I can still see, some of my old friends standing outside in their gowns. I continued driving and stopped at a park. I swung with Andrew on my lap, crying for what I had lost.

I lost the opportunity to graduate high school with my peers. I lost my friends. I lost being a kid. I had made an adult choice and I was living that adult life.

Priorities change. I didn’t buy myself new clothes, I bought diapers. Money was VERY tight, I struggled majorly. Infact, I’d fall behind on bills, I wouldn’t beable to pay for my daycare, so I could go to work. Truthfully, the daycare I used called Social Services on me once. Why? Well, because I didn’t have the $10 to buy new bottle liners for Andrew’s bottles. I was rinsing used ones out. They left a scent and the daycare told Social Services that I was giving him spoiled milk. It makes me angry to think they did this instead of asking me about it. It saddens me that they assumed before hearing the truth. But, yet it helped because Social Services ended up getting me on food stamps.

To this day I have to admit to having some jealousy of Mike. He was an AWESOME father to Andrew. Always had his visits and often more. However, he got to live the life of a teenager more than I did. He attended college, lived in the dorms and was basically free to do as he wanted. Everything I did, was with my growing boy on my hip. Even as we got older, in our 20s, Mike was free to go out if he wanted, where as I had to find and pay for a sitter. Mike was on volleyball, and/or dart leagues, I wasn’t able to do all this. My life revolved around parenting. Life was no longer about me, it was about Andrew.

Andrew’s life was also affected with me being a young parent. When I look back, he didn’t have the opportunities that Elijah’s has now. Such as gymnastics, swimming lessons, sport camps and so on. Why? Because I didn’t have the financial means. I think this affects him a bit now, though he may not admit it, I think it hurts him some, but I feel he understands too.

I pray that Chad will start to give you the support you need and deserve. Though, he’s not the one carrying the baby, the baby is as much his as it is yours. He needs to step up to what has happened and be there too. I feel in time he will. And when he does, may the two of you beable to work together for your child’s sake.

It’s hard. Mike and I have had MANY issues in the past. But until we learned that Andrew was our main focus, we really didn’t get along too well. Now, we are friends and can discuss things concerning Andrew. We make decisions as a his parents, together. Being able to do this is great for Andrew’s well being. It’s nice to be able to go out for pizza or even take a trip as friends.

The rewards of parenting are quite apparent. Your child will be the most important thing to you, ever. You will truly know what unconditional love means. You will watch your child grow into her own person and know that you helped shape her. But, in order to live these joys, you need to give up your current lifestyle.

If I were to see you parenting. I see you finishing high school, and college. So, it’s awesome that you would be able to be a kid too. But, when you get home, you’ll become an adult. I have faith in Andrew still remaining your friend, but it’s a possibility others may drift away. When you chose to parent, you chose your child over a “normal” high schooler’s life. I think your wise enough to know this and will take all of this to heart.

If I could, would I change my decision to parent? NO WAY! Look at the wonderful young man I have. I’ve had way too many memories of parenting him. For me the positive outweigh the negatives. However, there are things I would change. Those would be the obvious…finishing high school, getting a college degree and getting a career. Yes, I was able to get my GED and some college education. I have a decent job, but not one that I would have particularly chose. 

Make sure with you’r decision, you look at your future. What do you want? If you are looking at a 4 year degree, would you be affected for it to take 6 years. You may not be able to attend full-time. Instead attending 3/4 time and working, and then of course parenting.

I was over joyed to hear you shared the information I gave you with your father. This shows me you have support from him. Do remember though, if you chose parenting and your parent’s support you, you are your daughter’s mother. She is your responsibility, NOT theirs. I’m sure they would be there to help. I’m sure they may babysit now and then, heck I may even be available at times. But, ultimately, you daughter should be cared for by YOU!

I’m not going to lie. I have my fingers crossed for you to parent. With support and hard work YOU CAN DO IT! But, if you decide adoption is your best choice, I won’t leave you. Instead, I’ll continue to help you through the heart ache. I’ve come across so many wonderful people that will also be there for you. Some have already shared their stories with you.

My thoughts have been with ou daily, since Andrew told me about your pregnancy. It may seem like the worse ting in the world, but it’s not. You are faced with a major life changing decision, but it’s not the end of the world. I will be thinking of you as you go through all that is to come. And if you need ANYTHING, let me know, I am here for you!