Life and my boys

I feel that I have a conclusion to my adoption story. I feel that I am satisfied as to why things went the way they did.

For me, I believe I had to go through the “loss” of PooWee to really respect mothering him. I find in stressful times, when a parent feels like pulling their hair out, I tend to just hold him and be thankful I have him. I feel my tolerance level is so much higher than it was in the past.

I have the energy to do all that we do and take care of a 16 year old, 9 year old and an 11 month old all on my own. A task I saw impossible one year ago. They all have their necessities and then some, they are fed, sometime all at different times too, and I get quality time with each. I’m actually kinda impressed with myself.

I have three awesome sons, whom I completely adore. They are true brothers. They get along great one minute and the next they are in an argument. Yes, PooWee has even yelled and hit at the older boys. Mainly, because they have taken something away from him.

Andrew and Elijah have been fabulous big brothers. They help me out with PooWee, so I can make supper, take a shower or even run to the store.

Andrew is showing me what a wonderful father he will be someday. He’s been more help then I had ever expected. Many time he has carried PooWee without me asking, or grabbed all the bags from the car so I could carry PooWee.

Elijah enjoys helping with bathtime, getting PooWee dressed and has even changed more diapers than I ever expected.

PooWee’s eye light up at the sight of his brothers. The rock his world. He stands at each of their bedroom doors and just watches them do their “thing” in their rooms. He has shown his disappointment many times when one of them have walked out the door to go someplace without him.

No, PooWee may not have his own room, but he doesn’t seem to mind sharing with me. Elijah can’t wait to share his lower bunk with him. No, his father does not live with us, but he is apart of his life and their own quality time together. Yes, PooWee is alot to care for as any baby, but I’m handling it just fine and I have an awesome support team. No, I don’t have as much money as J & P have. However, I make ends meet. Andrew and Elijah have not shown any dissappointment in the loss of extra stuff, for they have gained a brother. I do receive some daycare assistance, but I know there will be a time I won’t need it anymore. Yes, things can get stressful, but he is always a reminder to cherish every moment because, I ALMOST didn’t have him.

I also look at J & P’s experience. Though it took til now to see why they went through what they did, there were reasons for them to go through it as well. I don’t like the fact that I am the one that gave them the pain, but I really can’t do anything about it, but accept what had to be done.

J and I use to joke that I should carry twins for her. She always wanted twins. LOOK she got her twins. She apparently is very happy. She will make a good mother to her boys, and P a good father.

J had told me she wouldn’t go through an open adoption with anyone except me. (As I said many times before, I feel she would have closed it though.) Well, she’s got her closed adoption. I hope she will teach the boys of their heritage and speak respectful words of their other mother though.

She also said she wanted a newborn baby. Well, she had one for two weeks, I gave her the closest experience she could ever have to pregnancy and birth without being pregnant herself. I wish I could just do all over, and live my pregnancy and delivery the way I would have, but I can’t dwell on the past.

Maybe they had to go through  the turmoil of a failed newborn domestic adoption to get the twins that needed them more than PooWee did. Maybe they too, have more tolerance, for raising twins has got to be alot harder. Perhaps they had to undergo their pain to appreciate the gift of a family as well. These boys needed J & P to be their parents. The twins were in the orphanage waiting for J & P while I was pregnant. If I had gone through with the adoption, would they still be waiting for parents?

I don’t have all the answers I only have my own thoughts. I feel comfortable with my reasoning now though. In life we all suffer pain at one time or another. We can either except the pain or fight it. I’m beginning to except my pain. I’m beginning to understand why J & P had to go through their pain. I believe it’s become easier now that J & P have their children.  Now, that they have their dream, maybe I don’t feel as guilty for taking that dream away.

Someday, I do wish we could all just set our anger to the side and move on. Anger is a strong emotion that I do not like carrying with me. I find my anger is getting lighter as time goes on. I’m learning from what went wrong, I’ve made mistakes and so have they. 

I’ve learnt that my adoption experience has affected my life. It’s made me appreciate my boys more than ever. It’s made me drive to make adoption better for the future. so, if there’s ever anything I can do or should be doing, please allow me to help.