Life and my boys

I planned on writing about how people treat PooWee, (post my parenting him). However that will wait til another day. 

This morning after reading Jenna’s post on Adoptionblogs.com and then heading over to her blog, Chronicles of Munchkin Land, I feel it’s only appropriate for me to write about my experience after giving birth to PooWee. I think I will describe my two weeks without PooWee.

As my due date approached I recall becoming scared. I was scared of how I would react. I really didn’t want PooWee to be born at all. It was so easy in the beginning of the pregnancy to not think about the birth.

PooWee was due Dec. 10th, 2006. I did end up going to the hospital that day, I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. However, I wasn’t. Dr. B gave me the option of being induced. I declined. That day at home I was very emotional. I kept picturing J’s face when I replied that I didn’t want to be induced. She was upset, she thought she was going to have “her” baby that day. I apologized to her that I didn’t do it. I remember thinking she was mad at me and I had to “fix” that.

Then 2 days later I went into labor. It was about 3pm and though I had lots of contractions throughout pregnancy I knew this was it. Elijah the trooper that he is, wrote down the time to every contraction I had. J was working, so my mom came to take me to the hospital. Elijah stayed with her, and Andrew went to a friends house.

I walked into the unit J worked in, so we could go to the birthing center together. I was surround by excited co-workers. Not excited for me, but excited that J would have “her” son. Everyone was hugging J and J was already in tears.

My friend Ann came as my support and P soon showed up. My labors with Andrew and PooWee were not bad. I was able to do them without drugs and they were short. Andrew was actually only 3hrs and Elijah was 8hrs.

PooWee was born at 9:51pm on Dec. 12th, to the beautiful sound of Silent Night. I remember so vividly Dr.B saying “lets get him up.” and PooWee was placed on my stomach. He was so beautiful. I felt him and I became one for a few seconds, it was just him and me. Then he was taken to put in the warmer. He was then taken from me, I felt he wasn’t “mine” anymore.

J & P ran to the warmer and cried over him. I couldn’t see my PooWee’s anymore. All I saw was 2 VERY HAPPY people. P a man who really isn’t emotional, crying over this beautiful child and J sobbing like crazy because she felt she was now a mom.

The next two days were focused on J & P. Their happy families were in my hospital room practically the entire time. When I was in my room I was thanked numerous of times for the gift I was giving them. I was told what a wonderful person I was. I HATED being there. It wasn’t accepted for me or Elijah to hold PooWee. If and when we got him, quickly someone would take him away. It was apparent they felt he was theirs.

The day of my discharge, Mag showed up. She announced the day of our court hearing for TPR would be Jan. 4th. J & Ps faces both showed a look of disappointment. It was longer than they wanted. But due to a judge being hospitalized and Christmas, that was the earliest they were going to get. It was decided that the following day, Fri. Mag would pick me up and all of us would meet at J & Ps attorney’s office to sign our request for a hearing to TPR. J & P then were asked to leave so, Mag and I could go over things. Mag needed me to sign some papers.

The first thing she said to me was, “There was nothing I could tell you that would have prepared you for how you would be feeling right now.” I sobbed. Mag never said anything to me about how I would feel, I recall her only mentioning birthmother support groups that I could attend. I cried to her that I didn’t get to hold him, and I cried that I wasn’t alone with him. I remember her response about a mother that wished she had more time with her child too.

She began the paper work. I didn’t hear anything she was saying, I was saying over and over in my head, “I don’t wanna do this, I don’t wanna do this….you have to, you can’t bring him home, he’s J & Ps not yours, I don’t wanna do this…… I do remember Mag asking me if I really wanted PooWee to go with J & P or to a Foster Home she had on hold. She feared I wouldn’t be-able to call J & P to request visits. I declined, but she was right, it was hard for me to ask them to see him, not because I didn’t want to see him, but because I was made to feel I was intruding on them. I wish I had gone with the Foster home.

My mother came to get me. It was time to go, J & P were ready as well. J asked me to change PooWee into his “going home” clothes as she and P took all their presents and flowers that they received during MY hospital stay to the car. I placed him on the bed and began undressing him. He even gave me a poo-poo diaper to change. I remember loving the moment, yet hating it as well. I finally got to “care for” him, but I didn’t like he was going with them. I didn’t like the outfit she chose. I wanted him to be wearing the soft cable sweater I knit for him. I wanted the cute ducky cap I had knitted. I wanted my baby to wear what I gave him.

Then J & P came back and the nurse was right behind. I all of a sudden put PooWee in P’s arms kissed him and basically ran out the door and to the car.

I got home and immediately went on the couch, covered up with a blanket even over my head. I did nothing but cry, I didn’t want to face the world, or even Elijah and Andrew. I thought I would talk to Mag about keeping PooWee when she would pick me up the following day.

 Then the phone rang, it was J, she stated we had to sign the request for TPR paper TODAY. She had called Mag and Mag was already out of town. So, She, P and their attorney would be coming over to my apartment to get these papers signed. I guess if we waited til Fri. that would postpone court even longer, because the papers wouldn’t get to the courthouse til the following week.

I immediately started cleaning. I don’t mean just picking up either. I was scrubbing cupboards and walls. I was trying like crazy to get the dirty spots left from tenants that occupied my apartment years ago off. I FREAKED, how could I have an ATTORNEY see my “crappy” apartment. I tried my damn-est to make my apartment look like a million dollar mansion.

J & P then showed up, but only with their attorneys assistant. I remember seeing PooWee in the carseat and just wanted to grab him out. As they took their coats off and P began to take PooWee out of the carseat J said, “Leave him in till we are done signing, so she (assistant) can leave.” The papers went around and then I grabbed for PooWee. J & P stayed abit and then said they would come back tomorrow because they had to come to town anyways.

They left and I HAD SIGN THESE PAPERS, that wasn’t how it was suppose to be. Mag was suppose to be there and I was suppose to have my baby back. Now what!

That Saturday I received my TPR papers in the mail. They were from the attorney and I was suppose to sign them and send them to him by the following Fri. I read EVERYTHING over ONCE, placed them back in the envelope and threw them off to the side. As I read them I just bawled. How could I give my baby away!

That Mon. I received a letter from Ran, PooWee’s Guardian at Liedem. He was requesting an interview with me, either over the phone or at his office. Here, was my chance I called immediately, asking to see him at his office, I wanted so bad to discuss bring PooWee home. I had an appointment set, for that Wed. Dec. 20th. in the afternoon.

Tues. PooWee had a doctor appointment, so I got to see him again. They were late, they told me it was because the stopped at the adoption agency to show him to their councelor.  They brought lunch, we ate and then I got to hold PooWee again. One of them always had an eye on me. Or atleast I felt like I was totally being watched.

The day I was going to meet with Ran, J was in town and was going to show up 1hr before my appointment for a visit with PooWee. She was late and showed up 20 min before I had to be by Ran. But, I was happy I got to see him.

Talking with Ran he asked me why I chose adoption. I told him I didn’t think I could raise 3 children all by myself, but that now I felt I could. I wanted my baby back, but didn’t know how I cold give my pain to J & P. I knew that if I brought PooWee home I would be giving them the worst pain in the world. I promised them a baby, I made their dream come true and then I was about to tear it away from them. He told me I couldn’t go through with the adoption plan just because I didn’t want to hurt J & P. He said that in the emotional state I was in, there would be no court on the 4th and I needed to talk with Mag. I went home and left a message for Mag to call me. I felt a bit happy, I felt I had a chance to get my son back.

I spoke to Elijah and Andrew, I told them I wanted PooWee home. I told them we may have to make sacrifices, but we could do it as a family. Andrew cried and hugged me, he said he would help. He wanted his brother home. Elijah jumped with joy, he wanted to call everybody, I had to hold him off. I told them both I didn’t know what was going to happen yet.

J showed up that night, without PoWee, but with a Christmas tree and lights. That was the last thing I wanted to deal with. Andrew and Elijah had accepted that Christmas just wasn’t going to be the same this year. Yes, they would get presents, but as far as decorating and all, I just couldn’t do it. She could tell I was having a very bad day and asked how I was doing. I cried and told her that I spoke with Ran and that I was just to unstable to make any decisions. She cried and told me to take as much time as I needed. Elijah made the comment, “Do you think she keeps buying us stuff, so we don’t take PooWee back?” 

Mag did call me back that night and we arranged to go for coffee the following Wed and we would discuss what I was feeling. It was hard to talk with her on the phone and have Elijah pestering me about getting the tree decorated. (The tree went in the garbage the day after Christmas. It was an artificial one and could have been used again, but I HATED THE THING, I WANTED IT GONE!!!)

I did call Mag again the next day, Dec. 23, telling her that I wanted to get PooWee on Christmas Eve. She thought that was a good idea. I was scared, scared J would not approve. Mag reassured me that J could not hold PooWee from me and that if she even tried to talk me out of seeing him I was to call Mag back right away.

I called J. I told her I was going to pick PooWee up and know they were going to be in town Christmas Eve night for a party at her parent’s house, she could pick him up before they went there. Even over the phone I knew she didn’t like my decision, but knew she couldn’t argue.

I went to pick him up and J had just finished feeding him. She was holding him and burping him. Made the comment that he just had to burp and then she’d get him in the car seat. She began to bawl, I felt really uncomfortable, I told her he would be fine. It was a long time, or felt like a long time, before she was willing to place him in the car seat. I remember the tremendously warm feeling I felt driving away with my PooWee. I was taking my baby home, even if it was just for the day.

I also had a secret plan, I would try nursing him. If he nursed I was to bring him home. Yes, he nursed, yes I cried, yes I knew he was meant to come home. His father came to see him. I wanted to talk to him about keeping him, but never found the words. He held PooWee, hugged, kissed and just looked at him. I gave them time alone. He couldn’t stay long, but I was glad he came.

Up until this day I wanted PooWee, but was unsure if I was truly going to get him. My time without him was horrible. I would just bawl all day. There were times I sat locked in the bathroom, every pill bottle I had and a razor blade at hand. I hit my elbows into the side of the tub, I slammed the back of my head on the edge of the tub, I just wanted to hurt myself and possible kill myself. I hated what I had done, I hated who I was. I saw no reason to go on, how could I live without my son. Then I thought of Andrew and Elijah. Andrew would be OK, he had a good dad. But, Elijah…what would happen to him. What if the courts saw his father as able to care for him. Elijah hasn’t seen his dad for 3 years. The last time he did, it ended up sending Elijah to counselling, for major nightmares. I had to stay around, for Elijah.

I had really had no one. The only person that ever called me to see how I was doing was Ann. Ann didn’t understand, I tried talking once and I heard her say “but,” and I ended it there. I called my friend Amy (and co-worker), she too was saying the  but word to me. I truly had nobody. Nobody else called me, nobody else. I thought I had friends at work. All these people were so supportive during the pregnancy, but I needed them now.

I had such a hard time deciding to bring PooWee home officially, because I kept seeing them standing at the warmer in the hospital, crying. Crying for the beautiful child I had promised them. I was haunted by this vision, and it made me feel like I had to go through with the adoption. I felt that I had made a promise and had to stick with it. It was all my fault and I should have to live with the pain. I felt that if I were to take my baby back I should be damned to hell, because it would be as bad as murder.

I had many visits with PooWee so far. Whether it was J & P coming to town or me going to their house. I called J every single night, just in hopes I could hear PooWee coooing in the background. J never called me. When I was pregnant she called 2-3 time a day. I had thought we were still friends, but thought now that she had what she wanted I was no use to her.

One conversation we had, hit me hard. We were talking about the future, she mentioned that PooWee would be told when he was “old enough”. I was under the understanding that PooWee was going to grow knowing of me and his brothers. Whats this, “when he’s old enough to understand.”? I didn’t like that and found alot of “discomfort” in the fact that we were suppose to have an open adoption.

Mag and I went out for coffee on Wed. Dec. 27th. I told her my pain, I told her how I needed my son. She told me I would have my son. We made a list of items I needed. I was so excited. I also had pain and cried, picturing J & P, imaging how they would react. She reassured me I was the right choice for my son. (Truthfully, I don’t think Mag cared for J very much.) She told me she would call me in the morning after speaking to J & P.

I received her call around 9am. She explained her phone conversation with them. I cried, it was hard for me to hear. She told me, they decide that J & P would drop him off at her office by 3pm.

I then set out to go shopping. I WAS BRING MY BABY HOME!!! Shopping was so hard. I was limited on my finances, and had to get so much. Plus, I was so excited, and then I’d start to cry. I was crying knowing that J & P knew their time was now limited. I knew what they were going through. I had been there for 2 weeks.

My son, PooWee came home on Dec. 28th, 2006 this is one of the happiest days of my life. I remember Andrew walking in that evening with his friend and saying, “Hey, check it out man, my baby brother is here!” and then came over and held him for the very first time. Dec. 28th means so much to me, even more than his birthday. I think we will celebrate it for the rest of my life.

Post bring PooWee down was also the first of many emotional time. I had to explain to many his existence. I had to do a name change and explain to a stranger why. I had to get his social security number, but had to explain why I didn’t have the paperwork from the hospital. J & P never gave it to me. I hated and still do explaining about the adoption plan.

I have found that my pain is getting lighter. I think alot of it has to do with my research after the fact and this blog. I think it will always be a soft spot in my life, but I’ll learn to except that things were the way they were for a reason and be proud that I have my PooWees.

Someday he will know about this part in his life. I hope he will understand. He will know the special role J & P played in his life. I did invite them to remain apart of his life, but they chose not to be. Which I do understand, but yet don’t. I had actually thought about asking them to be God Parents at one time.

I have grown alot of anger towards J, do to many factors that have taken place since I brought PooWee home. I hope someday I will learn to let them subside.

When I think of postpartum with PooWee, all I can think of is the TREMENDOUS pain. It was 5000 times worse than losing my father. And my father’s death WAS NOT EASY FOR ME.

The pain one encounters is undescribable. I don’t think I can explain to another expectant mother what she may feel, I can only tell her what I felt.

Now, that I have yet again, bawled my eyes out and have written all morning, I must face my day here at home. I think PooWee’s absence in my life will be remembered all day, so once again, he will end up getting EXTRA squeezes and apologies his way.

Once again, I’m so sorry PooWee for what I put you through. I love you more than words can say. I have you now and will be forever grateful for that. And Thank You, thank you for being such a happy lil guy, this re-assures me you were meant to be with me and your brothers.