Yesturday Was a BAD Day - Here’s to a Better One Today

Yesterday didn’t turn out all too great.

My car has decided to not to go over 10 mph. It jerks. Oh what am I going to do? G-ma to the rescue once again. She got the boys from school, and got Elijah to gymnastics. I can’t even think of where I will come up with the money to fix it. My brother told me to check the transmission fluid. Even though I figured that wasn’t it, I did-it was fine. BUT, when I went to do that I have a flat tire! Yeah! LOVE MY CAR! It’s actually a pretty nice car—–when it works!

With my car broke down I missed Eli’s play at school. “Opera for the Young” he’s been talking all about it forever and signing the songs. I feel horrible. He was/is REALLY upset that I didn’t make it too. And of course today was the only time. SUCKS - JUST SUCKS!!!

One of Elijah’s guinea pigs died. Muffy, she was just laying in her cage. So, now she’s in a box in our garage and we will need to bury her. I wish I knew how/why she died, is something we did. I don’t think so. So now it’s really sad because Fluffy is just crying like crazy “looking” for Muffy.

Today Eli has another one of his karate lessons. G-MA!!!!! Can we use your car??? I hate not having a car. OH YEAH-Never told ya, so Eli got those free karate lessons, right? Well, the dude got $30 out of me! He took Eli off to the side and when they came back Eli was all suited up in a uniform. At the end the instructor says, “That’ll be $30 for the uniform.” Tricky he was -ah?

Elijah and I decided that seeing our day yesterday was kinda crappy, I didn’t have to make supper!! I liked that thought. So, instead we had one of our favorite, pickle and onion pizza. Yes-I said PICKLE and ONION pizza! It’s super easy to make! Take a frozen cheese pizza and simply cut onion and pickles up! MMMMM! Ya don’t know what your missing!

PooWee’s birthday is right around the corner. I’m thinking of having a birthday party. I didn’t have a party at this age for Andrew or Elijah, just a small family get together with cake and ice cream. I think I want one for PooWee because we really never “celebrated” him coming into this world. My family and PooWee’s dad’s family haven’t really met. It would be nice for them to meet.

My mom, G-ma Judy (my step-mom) and G-ma Suzie (his dad’s mom) would probably help me out with the food. I think I’ll just have snack foods verses a meal. Then I thought I’d make it a drop in when ya want, and stay for however long you want. This way if someone is totally bored they don’t have to feel like they HAVE to stay. (I’m not good at entertaining a bunch of people.) I just don’t know if I can afford it though. We’ll see, I do have time.

I’ve been searching and searching for the perfect gift for him. I think I have it. Here it is, doesn’t it look like fun? He would like the big truck. Currently, he loves pushing clothes baskets around as he stands, so I think he’ll like this.

I’m getting worried about how his birthday will be for me. I’ll have his party on the Sun. before, Dec. 9th. His birthday is Dec. 12th. I hate to say it, but that day may just bring back horrible memories. How do all you mothers that aren’t parenting deal with that day? How can I focus positively on that day verses dwelling on the pain?

Dec. 28th, the day he came home, I want to start some type of tradition. This day has more of a positive memory for me. Wish I could just change his birthday! Elijah thought we could go bowling every year on this day! Maybe when he’s older.

Wow, now that I think of it, there may be some hard times coming for me. That whole time period when he was with J & P. Am I just going to be able to be grateful I have him or am I going to be focused on where he was 1 yr ago. I will try with all my might to think positively. I hope I’m not an emotional wreck.

Gee, what about J & P? Will they be thinking of 1 yr ago too, and feel the pain of their loss? The twins are not here yet. I was misinformed earlier. I guess J & P are in Russia now for a visit. The twins will be coming here next month on a Sunday and everyone at work is planning this party. I think they like to talk about it right by me. Having the twins will help them keep a positive look at the time they had PooWee. Plus, they’ll be pretty busy. I do hope they find peace with our situation sometime. I hope they learn that I didn’t WANT to give them the pain. I hope they learn to forgive me, they don’t ever have to talk to me if they don’t want. I just want them to know that if I could do over-I WOULD IN A HEART BEAT.  I wish them the best.

I am looking forward to turning the car seat around. I think he’ll like it too. His feet are starting to hit the back of the car seat. He is running out of room. He’ll see a whole new world in the car then.

Time to go about my day. Laundry today! I’m soooooooo EXCITED! (Did ya hear the sarcasm?!) :) 

My Mother

Took my mom to the eye doctor this morning. I gave her a copy of my post as we drove there. She read it and then folded it up and set it down. There was no response. We never did talk about it either.

I first understood my mom when I was listening to a speaker at a conference talk about her mom. She stated her mom was “an old German”. (I’m not making any accusations about Germans AT ALL. I’m Germain too!) She went on saying that her mother doesn’t show much affection, her emotions were quite hidden, and it took her many years to learn how to understand her mother.

As this lady spoke, I was wondering if we had the same mother. My mom doesn’t show much emotion. Growing up I never really heard her say, “I love you.” Though I always knew she did. If she was proud of something I had done, it was unknown to me.

As an adult I have learnt to “read” my mom. If I hand her, my finished knitting project that took me ages to make, she’ll inspect it VERY carefully. She looks at almost every stitch, and checks out all the seams. If she hands it back to me with a comment like, “The stitches are too tight, or too loose.” Well, then she feels I could have done better. But, if she hands it back with no real comment, but maybe a hum, like mmMMMMmmhhh. Well, this means she likes it and I did well. To not get a response from my mom is a good thing.

My mom is a very strong lady. She’s 73 years old and still kicking strong. She helps me out with the boys like you wouldn’t believe. My boys love her to death.

She even has a way with Andrew’s friends. She helps me out  with picking/dropping Andrew off places alot. And many of these times Andrew has friends with. If a friend starts walking G-ma Marcy will yell for him to get in the car. In winter these boys often don’t have their jackets on. Well, they now check with Andrew if G-ma is picking them up and will have their jacket on when they get to the car. They love her. They all call here G-ma and are very respectful to her. She will run these kids way across town, where as when I was their age, MY BUTT WAS WALKING!!!

Eli and G-ma can be the best of friends and then enemies all in one day! G-ma spoiled him soooo much that it comes back to bite her sometimes. This 9 year old pretty much can sit back and have G-ma wait on him hand and foot. When she use to babysit Elijah alot every fri. and all weekend and I’d give her money, I learnt quickly to give her grocery gift cards or gas cards. For the money I would give her always ended up in a unnecessary gift for Eli. DROVE ME NUTS!!

And now there’s PooWee. He definitely know who his G-ma is. A big smile grows as he sees her. He has lots of hugs and kisses for her. And G-ma is already spoiling him as my other boys.

My mom is very special. I wish I could give her the world. She’s had a ruff life in the long run and I wish now she that she would have NO WORRIES, but she worries. She worries about me, my boys, my other brothers and sisters. She won’t sleep at night if she forgot to buy a jar of pickles. Her body is usually always aching. She’s pretty healthy though, no major problems, which we are all thankful for. Even the thought of losing my mother brings me to tears.

Today, her response to my post, silence, I’m not sure what to think. I was driving, but I think her eyes were watery. Silence and teary eyes, my mother showed me her heart today.

Before I Goto Bed…

I MUST show all of you, my new friends, what my sister Gayle commented under my Just Drained post. I read it today around 4:30 when I took a break at work. I just started bawling. I’ve been crying ever since.

I’m just so very touched. I don’t even know what to say.

There’s so much of me that wants to stay up all night packing, but I know I can’t do that.

WOW GAYLE!!! I love you too! I really don’t know what to say/do. One thing I do know is tonight, tonight I will fall asleep with your words in my thoughts. For I have read your words so many times already I have them memorized.

I have to take my our mom to the eye doctor tomorrow morning. I think I may just print off that post and hand it to her.

Man-I can’t believe what an awesome idea this blog has been. I have so many new friends encouraging me, helping me heal, giving me strength and I never even met them. And now, I have truly been shown the love of my sister, Gayle from 100s of miles away. It’s not even just that she has basically said I can move down by her in Arizona. It’s her words that say I’ll have “more support than I need, having open arms”, that she has “tears and heartache” and especially that she sends her “love”. I’m just crying, and I want so bad just to hug her. So…Gayle, here’s something else I have learned through my lil journey here, ((HUGS)) - Hope ya felt it, when I get them I grow a lil smile. It’s almost as if ya can feel them, they give ya such a warm feeling.

Good night all!

Up too Late!

Can you smell the lasagna cooking? MMMMM!!!

Seeing it’s Fri. and I’m a working gal for the weekend, I should be in bed. However, Andrew is home this weekend, he was suppose to be by his Dad’s but they did a switch without my knowledge. Anyways- gotta have some food for him or he’ll live off of microwave popcorn. So, I’m making some lasagna. And it’s smelling GOOD!

My last two posts have been drainers on me. I thank all of you for your encouraging/supportive words once again. The really do mean alot and help me with my own healing.

All day yesterday I wanted to jump back on the computer and add to my post. However, with no school I would have had to wrestle Andrew to the ground. And well, I’m not too sure I would have won. Andrew has been kicking my butt when we wrestle. But, I still can get his tickle spots! No matter how old they are - a mom knows the tickle spots!

What I wanted to add was a positive note. I wanted to thank those that have not judged my decision.

Laura-For crying with me after the Quality Council meeting. It was my first time back in the building and I was so nervous. You’ve been there for me at work and I really appreciate it.

Barb-Thank you again, for all the lil outfits, the softest blankie in the world and the shoes. PooWee still needs to grow into the shoes, but we keep trying them on now and then.

Louise- AUNTIE WEEZER!-Thank you for the book and Teddy Bear. And for all the hugs. - Louise has admitted to me that she didn’t think I could go through with it. She says she looks at a picture I gave her of PooWee and I all the time and is just so happy for me. WE LOVE YA WEEZE!

Marcia-Thank you for the homemade extra large receiving blankets, all the clothes and bath supplies. Marcia trained me at my job, she’s probably the longest friend I have from work. She admitted she was upset at first, because of the 2 week. She said it would have been different if I didn’t leave him there for two weeks. Once we talked and I explained things, she understood. If I could change that - obviously, I would. I;m glad she was honest with me and talked to me and not behind my back.

Peg-Yes-Peg was the one person that told me I was a good mom and could raise PooWee all along. What did I do…I avoided her, ignored her and told myself she didn’t understand. Peg has earned the right to tell me, “I told you so” as many times as she wants. Peg told another co-worker off in defense of me. This co-worker was having a fit because I am a single parent and I took PooWee away from a two parent family. Peg straighten her out by, saying Andrew and Elijah are doing great and I’ve raised them all by myself. She said her son has been raised by a herself and her husband and they are having problems with him. I will always appreciate this, she didn’t need to use her situation to defend me. And  I will always love her for that. THANKS TONS PEG!

Kelly-For being the first to talk to me on my first day back. You saw my hands were just shaking and you eased my fear. And well, of course now that your son is born and only 4 months younger than PooWee, we have LOTS to talk about. AND I’LL FINISH THAT SWEATER SOON!! I PROMISE!! (The one with the wrong zipper! I have yet to take it off!)

Tara-I really enjoy working with you. I’m so proud you have grown some “balls” and have learnt to stand up for yourself on the unit. Only allow people to treat you with respect.

And of course there Ann -AUNTIE ANNABANANA-For just being there. For always listening to me. And for visiting us. PooWee recognizes your name when we say it and just smiles. All though who wouldn’t laugh at someone named AUNTIE ANNABANANA!! We love ya!

This weekend at work won’t be too bad at all. Ann is working! I glad, I can’t handle another weekend like last. But, unfortunately I’m sure there will be more. As long as I can vent here, I shall make it through!

Well, lasagna is done and very tasty (snuck a piece, well actually two) and I MUST get off to bed.

Welcome newcomers to “my life” and Thank you again EVERYONE. (((BIG HUGS )))

P.S.-Maris, I will get some info for you. As for now, maybe my Dear Mag post will help abit. and I’ll try to get some advice from others I have encountered too.

PPS-LIBBY!-I actually started my “internet adoption journey” looking for someone that changed their mind too. Never did find anyone. How awesome you found me! Congrats on parenting you daughter! Glad ya came!

Please Don’t Shun My PooWee Anymore

I am as proud of a mommy as any other mommy. So, tell me why some people choose to  turn their head when I talk about PooWee?

Being a single mother, my life has basically consisted of work and home. That being most my social encounters are at work, which also means most my friends are at work.

While I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with compliments for what I was doing for J. You all have heard the comments…How selfless of you, what a wonderful gift you are giving, this is going to be such a neat thing, and I even got the it’s a win-win situation.

When PooWee was born-not ONE - NOT ONE of my so called friends came to see me. Now, I remind you I work in a hospital, the same hospital I gave birth in. The birthing unit is just a short walk away from the unit I work in. Why didn’t any one come to see how I was doing? Some have said they heard the room was so full of J & P’s family, but it still hurts.

I was home….no body, but my friend Ann called or stopped over to see how I was coping. Ann was there, but didn’t understand. I tried once to talk to her about bring PooWee home and I heard her say the word “but..” and I quit talking to her about it.

I broke down and called my friend Amy, she wasn’t home. She then returned my call from work, and all I remember is her trying to talk me out of parenting and reminding me of the pain I would give J & P and then she had to go. She never did return that call. I’ve only worked with her like twice since and haven’t really spoken to her. She never asked about PooWee. Her and I were pretty good friends too. It hurts, but to be honest, I’d rather have PooWee than our friendship.

There are times I need to run into work and take PooWee in with me. Some come to greet him and he gets his chance to flirt. While others turn away. Even co-workers that talk with me will turn away from PooWee. These people will greet any other child that comes onto the unit.

We all talk about our kids like they are the greatest lil things on earth. I’m no different. I can talk about Andrew and Elijah all I want, but if PooWee is mentioned some will walk away.

Our lockers are decorated with pictures of our families. At first I didn’t place a picture of PooWee up. Elijah noticed this and mentioned I should. I knew I should, but feared the reaction of others. I spoke with Mag and my director about it. Both told me there was no reason I had to treat PooWee any different than my other boys. And if I showed off my other boys I had every right to show off PooWee. So, I did. I placed his 3months picture on my locker. Yes, there were comments, but by now I was use to them.

Recently I updated my photos. I have Andrew and Elijah’s new school pictures and PooWee’s 9 month picture up. I was told the latest comment was, “Does she have to constantly shove him in our faces?” I’m a mom just-YES I will show off my kids, and if they think it’s shoving them in their faces-so be it!

I get hurt whenever the unit has a potluck in celebration of someone who had a baby. I was never given a potluck. I don’t know why it hurts me, guess I just want to be treated like everyone else. I want to celebrate PooWee as much as anyother new mom.

I try to tell myself it’s just ignorance. These people don’t anything about adoption. I wish I could take a copy of the Legal Risk Placement J & P signed and post it all over the unit. I feel alot of them see him as J’s son that was taken away from her. Where as he was always my son, and I just couldn’t live without him.

I’m hoping my days at work are limited. I am looking at different jobs, maybe even going back to school. I can’t wait for the day I walk into my directors office and give her my notice. Right now, I think that’s my biggest goal. I want out of this place more than anything.

I know PooWee doesn’t notice that he is being shunned, but I do. I hurt for him. He rocks. I like to look at it as it’s their lose not his. One supportive person suggested that these people just don’t knowhow to react tohim. (??????)-He’s a baby! You make silly face and silly noises! Whatever-I just continue to hold my head high. It use to be easier to just blow it all off, but I find it’s all wearing me down.

Thank goodness I only have to be there 3 days a week!

                                   

My Days Without PooWee

I planned on writing about how people treat PooWee, (post my parenting him). However that will wait til another day. 

This morning after reading Jenna’s post on Adoptionblogs.com and then heading over to her blog, Chronicles of Munchkin Land, I feel it’s only appropriate for me to write about my experience after giving birth to PooWee. I think I will describe my two weeks without PooWee.

As my due date approached I recall becoming scared. I was scared of how I would react. I really didn’t want PooWee to be born at all. It was so easy in the beginning of the pregnancy to not think about the birth.

PooWee was due Dec. 10th, 2006. I did end up going to the hospital that day, I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. However, I wasn’t. Dr. B gave me the option of being induced. I declined. That day at home I was very emotional. I kept picturing J’s face when I replied that I didn’t want to be induced. She was upset, she thought she was going to have “her” baby that day. I apologized to her that I didn’t do it. I remember thinking she was mad at me and I had to “fix” that.

Then 2 days later I went into labor. It was about 3pm and though I had lots of contractions throughout pregnancy I knew this was it. Elijah the trooper that he is, wrote down the time to every contraction I had. J was working, so my mom came to take me to the hospital. Elijah stayed with her, and Andrew went to a friends house.

I walked into the unit J worked in, so we could go to the birthing center together. I was surround by excited co-workers. Not excited for me, but excited that J would have “her” son. Everyone was hugging J and J was already in tears.

My friend Ann came as my support and P soon showed up. My labors with Andrew and PooWee were not bad. I was able to do them without drugs and they were short. Andrew was actually only 3hrs and Elijah was 8hrs.

PooWee was born at 9:51pm on Dec. 12th, to the beautiful sound of Silent Night. I remember so vividly Dr.B saying “lets get him up.” and PooWee was placed on my stomach. He was so beautiful. I felt him and I became one for a few seconds, it was just him and me. Then he was taken to put in the warmer. He was then taken from me, I felt he wasn’t “mine” anymore.

J & P ran to the warmer and cried over him. I couldn’t see my PooWee’s anymore. All I saw was 2 VERY HAPPY people. P a man who really isn’t emotional, crying over this beautiful child and J sobbing like crazy because she felt she was now a mom.

The next two days were focused on J & P. Their happy families were in my hospital room practically the entire time. When I was in my room I was thanked numerous of times for the gift I was giving them. I was told what a wonderful person I was. I HATED being there. It wasn’t accepted for me or Elijah to hold PooWee. If and when we got him, quickly someone would take him away. It was apparent they felt he was theirs.

The day of my discharge, Mag showed up. She announced the day of our court hearing for TPR would be Jan. 4th. J & Ps faces both showed a look of disappointment. It was longer than they wanted. But due to a judge being hospitalized and Christmas, that was the earliest they were going to get. It was decided that the following day, Fri. Mag would pick me up and all of us would meet at J & Ps attorney’s office to sign our request for a hearing to TPR. J & P then were asked to leave so, Mag and I could go over things. Mag needed me to sign some papers.

The first thing she said to me was, “There was nothing I could tell you that would have prepared you for how you would be feeling right now.” I sobbed. Mag never said anything to me about how I would feel, I recall her only mentioning birthmother support groups that I could attend. I cried to her that I didn’t get to hold him, and I cried that I wasn’t alone with him. I remember her response about a mother that wished she had more time with her child too.

She began the paper work. I didn’t hear anything she was saying, I was saying over and over in my head, “I don’t wanna do this, I don’t wanna do this….you have to, you can’t bring him home, he’s J & Ps not yours, I don’t wanna do this…… I do remember Mag asking me if I really wanted PooWee to go with J & P or to a Foster Home she had on hold. She feared I wouldn’t be-able to call J & P to request visits. I declined, but she was right, it was hard for me to ask them to see him, not because I didn’t want to see him, but because I was made to feel I was intruding on them. I wish I had gone with the Foster home.

My mother came to get me. It was time to go, J & P were ready as well. J asked me to change PooWee into his “going home” clothes as she and P took all their presents and flowers that they received during MY hospital stay to the car. I placed him on the bed and began undressing him. He even gave me a poo-poo diaper to change. I remember loving the moment, yet hating it as well. I finally got to “care for” him, but I didn’t like he was going with them. I didn’t like the outfit she chose. I wanted him to be wearing the soft cable sweater I knit for him. I wanted the cute ducky cap I had knitted. I wanted my baby to wear what I gave him.

Then J & P came back and the nurse was right behind. I all of a sudden put PooWee in P’s arms kissed him and basically ran out the door and to the car.

I got home and immediately went on the couch, covered up with a blanket even over my head. I did nothing but cry, I didn’t want to face the world, or even Elijah and Andrew. I thought I would talk to Mag about keeping PooWee when she would pick me up the following day.

 Then the phone rang, it was J, she stated we had to sign the request for TPR paper TODAY. She had called Mag and Mag was already out of town. So, She, P and their attorney would be coming over to my apartment to get these papers signed. I guess if we waited til Fri. that would postpone court even longer, because the papers wouldn’t get to the courthouse til the following week.

I immediately started cleaning. I don’t mean just picking up either. I was scrubbing cupboards and walls. I was trying like crazy to get the dirty spots left from tenants that occupied my apartment years ago off. I FREAKED, how could I have an ATTORNEY see my “crappy” apartment. I tried my damn-est to make my apartment look like a million dollar mansion.

J & P then showed up, but only with their attorneys assistant. I remember seeing PooWee in the carseat and just wanted to grab him out. As they took their coats off and P began to take PooWee out of the carseat J said, “Leave him in till we are done signing, so she (assistant) can leave.” The papers went around and then I grabbed for PooWee. J & P stayed abit and then said they would come back tomorrow because they had to come to town anyways.

They left and I HAD SIGN THESE PAPERS, that wasn’t how it was suppose to be. Mag was suppose to be there and I was suppose to have my baby back. Now what!

That Saturday I received my TPR papers in the mail. They were from the attorney and I was suppose to sign them and send them to him by the following Fri. I read EVERYTHING over ONCE, placed them back in the envelope and threw them off to the side. As I read them I just bawled. How could I give my baby away!

That Mon. I received a letter from Ran, PooWee’s Guardian at Liedem. He was requesting an interview with me, either over the phone or at his office. Here, was my chance I called immediately, asking to see him at his office, I wanted so bad to discuss bring PooWee home. I had an appointment set, for that Wed. Dec. 20th. in the afternoon.

Tues. PooWee had a doctor appointment, so I got to see him again. They were late, they told me it was because the stopped at the adoption agency to show him to their councelor.  They brought lunch, we ate and then I got to hold PooWee again. One of them always had an eye on me. Or atleast I felt like I was totally being watched.

The day I was going to meet with Ran, J was in town and was going to show up 1hr before my appointment for a visit with PooWee. She was late and showed up 20 min before I had to be by Ran. But, I was happy I got to see him.

Talking with Ran he asked me why I chose adoption. I told him I didn’t think I could raise 3 children all by myself, but that now I felt I could. I wanted my baby back, but didn’t know how I cold give my pain to J & P. I knew that if I brought PooWee home I would be giving them the worst pain in the world. I promised them a baby, I made their dream come true and then I was about to tear it away from them. He told me I couldn’t go through with the adoption plan just because I didn’t want to hurt J & P. He said that in the emotional state I was in, there would be no court on the 4th and I needed to talk with Mag. I went home and left a message for Mag to call me. I felt a bit happy, I felt I had a chance to get my son back.

I spoke to Elijah and Andrew, I told them I wanted PooWee home. I told them we may have to make sacrifices, but we could do it as a family. Andrew cried and hugged me, he said he would help. He wanted his brother home. Elijah jumped with joy, he wanted to call everybody, I had to hold him off. I told them both I didn’t know what was going to happen yet.

J showed up that night, without PoWee, but with a Christmas tree and lights. That was the last thing I wanted to deal with. Andrew and Elijah had accepted that Christmas just wasn’t going to be the same this year. Yes, they would get presents, but as far as decorating and all, I just couldn’t do it. She could tell I was having a very bad day and asked how I was doing. I cried and told her that I spoke with Ran and that I was just to unstable to make any decisions. She cried and told me to take as much time as I needed. Elijah made the comment, “Do you think she keeps buying us stuff, so we don’t take PooWee back?” 

Mag did call me back that night and we arranged to go for coffee the following Wed and we would discuss what I was feeling. It was hard to talk with her on the phone and have Elijah pestering me about getting the tree decorated. (The tree went in the garbage the day after Christmas. It was an artificial one and could have been used again, but I HATED THE THING, I WANTED IT GONE!!!)

I did call Mag again the next day, Dec. 23, telling her that I wanted to get PooWee on Christmas Eve. She thought that was a good idea. I was scared, scared J would not approve. Mag reassured me that J could not hold PooWee from me and that if she even tried to talk me out of seeing him I was to call Mag back right away.

I called J. I told her I was going to pick PooWee up and know they were going to be in town Christmas Eve night for a party at her parent’s house, she could pick him up before they went there. Even over the phone I knew she didn’t like my decision, but knew she couldn’t argue.

I went to pick him up and J had just finished feeding him. She was holding him and burping him. Made the comment that he just had to burp and then she’d get him in the car seat. She began to bawl, I felt really uncomfortable, I told her he would be fine. It was a long time, or felt like a long time, before she was willing to place him in the car seat. I remember the tremendously warm feeling I felt driving away with my PooWee. I was taking my baby home, even if it was just for the day.

I also had a secret plan, I would try nursing him. If he nursed I was to bring him home. Yes, he nursed, yes I cried, yes I knew he was meant to come home. His father came to see him. I wanted to talk to him about keeping him, but never found the words. He held PooWee, hugged, kissed and just looked at him. I gave them time alone. He couldn’t stay long, but I was glad he came.

Up until this day I wanted PooWee, but was unsure if I was truly going to get him. My time without him was horrible. I would just bawl all day. There were times I sat locked in the bathroom, every pill bottle I had and a razor blade at hand. I hit my elbows into the side of the tub, I slammed the back of my head on the edge of the tub, I just wanted to hurt myself and possible kill myself. I hated what I had done, I hated who I was. I saw no reason to go on, how could I live without my son. Then I thought of Andrew and Elijah. Andrew would be OK, he had a good dad. But, Elijah…what would happen to him. What if the courts saw his father as able to care for him. Elijah hasn’t seen his dad for 3 years. The last time he did, it ended up sending Elijah to counselling, for major nightmares. I had to stay around, for Elijah.

I had really had no one. The only person that ever called me to see how I was doing was Ann. Ann didn’t understand, I tried talking once and I heard her say “but,” and I ended it there. I called my friend Amy (and co-worker), she too was saying the  but word to me. I truly had nobody. Nobody else called me, nobody else. I thought I had friends at work. All these people were so supportive during the pregnancy, but I needed them now.

I had such a hard time deciding to bring PooWee home officially, because I kept seeing them standing at the warmer in the hospital, crying. Crying for the beautiful child I had promised them. I was haunted by this vision, and it made me feel like I had to go through with the adoption. I felt that I had made a promise and had to stick with it. It was all my fault and I should have to live with the pain. I felt that if I were to take my baby back I should be damned to hell, because it would be as bad as murder.

I had many visits with PooWee so far. Whether it was J & P coming to town or me going to their house. I called J every single night, just in hopes I could hear PooWee coooing in the background. J never called me. When I was pregnant she called 2-3 time a day. I had thought we were still friends, but thought now that she had what she wanted I was no use to her.

One conversation we had, hit me hard. We were talking about the future, she mentioned that PooWee would be told when he was “old enough”. I was under the understanding that PooWee was going to grow knowing of me and his brothers. Whats this, “when he’s old enough to understand.”? I didn’t like that and found alot of “discomfort” in the fact that we were suppose to have an open adoption.

Mag and I went out for coffee on Wed. Dec. 27th. I told her my pain, I told her how I needed my son. She told me I would have my son. We made a list of items I needed. I was so excited. I also had pain and cried, picturing J & P, imaging how they would react. She reassured me I was the right choice for my son. (Truthfully, I don’t think Mag cared for J very much.) She told me she would call me in the morning after speaking to J & P.

I received her call around 9am. She explained her phone conversation with them. I cried, it was hard for me to hear. She told me, they decide that J & P would drop him off at her office by 3pm.

I then set out to go shopping. I WAS BRING MY BABY HOME!!! Shopping was so hard. I was limited on my finances, and had to get so much. Plus, I was so excited, and then I’d start to cry. I was crying knowing that J & P knew their time was now limited. I knew what they were going through. I had been there for 2 weeks.

My son, PooWee came home on Dec. 28th, 2006 this is one of the happiest days of my life. I remember Andrew walking in that evening with his friend and saying, “Hey, check it out man, my baby brother is here!” and then came over and held him for the very first time. Dec. 28th means so much to me, even more than his birthday. I think we will celebrate it for the rest of my life.

Post bring PooWee down was also the first of many emotional time. I had to explain to many his existence. I had to do a name change and explain to a stranger why. I had to get his social security number, but had to explain why I didn’t have the paperwork from the hospital. J & P never gave it to me. I hated and still do explaining about the adoption plan.

I have found that my pain is getting lighter. I think alot of it has to do with my research after the fact and this blog. I think it will always be a soft spot in my life, but I’ll learn to except that things were the way they were for a reason and be proud that I have my PooWees.

Someday he will know about this part in his life. I hope he will understand. He will know the special role J & P played in his life. I did invite them to remain apart of his life, but they chose not to be. Which I do understand, but yet don’t. I had actually thought about asking them to be God Parents at one time.

I have grown alot of anger towards J, do to many factors that have taken place since I brought PooWee home. I hope someday I will learn to let them subside.

When I think of postpartum with PooWee, all I can think of is the TREMENDOUS pain. It was 5000 times worse than losing my father. And my father’s death WAS NOT EASY FOR ME.

The pain one encounters is undescribable. I don’t think I can explain to another expectant mother what she may feel, I can only tell her what I felt.

Now, that I have yet again, bawled my eyes out and have written all morning, I must face my day here at home. I think PooWee’s absence in my life will be remembered all day, so once again, he will end up getting EXTRA squeezes and apologies his way.

Once again, I’m so sorry PooWee for what I put you through. I love you more than words can say. I have you now and will be forever grateful for that. And Thank You, thank you for being such a happy lil guy, this re-assures me you were meant to be with me and your brothers.

Just babblings

PooWee is feeling better. We got some eye drops which he can’t stand. His eye are all puffy. He looks so pathetic, poor lil guy. And of course my eyes just seem to itch just looking at his.

Pretty much all day yesterday we just rocked, read some books, and watched James and the Giant Peach. Today he is playing ball with the kitties and getting into my knitting, so I think it’s safe to say he is getting back to normal.

Today I have to play catch up on my cleaning. I don’t like cleaning. It feels nice to have the home nice and clean, but I just don’t care to be the one doing the cleaning. Lately, I’ve been throwing stuff out too. I can’t believe how much a person can accumulate. 

Currently PooWee is in my room, which is  a nice big room. Once he decides to sleep through the night, Elijah and him will share my room. I then plan on moving to Elijah’s room. However, I’m thinking maybe Andrew should move to my room and Elijah and PooWee to Andrew’s and I to Elijah’s. My room is in back of the apartment, actually I think it use to be an outside porch that was closed up. Andrew and Elijah’s are right next to each other. HHHMMMMM-decisions! Who knows, maybe by the time PooWee sleeps through the night, I be able to buy a house of our own. Either that or he’ll be off to college - he loves his num-nums at night. He just purrs.

Elijah has a free private karate lesson tonight. Way back at out Labor Day parade he won a free week of lessons. I’ve finally got around to calling on them. The instructor decided to also give him a free private lesson, so he can evaluate Eli’s visual acuity some. It’ll be a busy night for Eli. He has wrestling right after school til 4:30 then it’s straight to this karate lesson.

I think one of the reasons I held off on arranging these lessons is because I know he’ll want to continue them. Which of course means I’ll have to pay for them. I think I take the money out of his disability that I get for him. But, that hurts towards saving for his CCTV. Though our local Lion’s Club may be helping fund one for him. His Visual Impairment teacher has put a referral in for us.

Karate actually is something that would definitely benefit Elijah. Especially if his vision deteriorates more. Actually, it should “connect” him to his father abit too. JW, Eli’s dad grew-up learning karate. JW’s father had his own karate school. (JW’s father was actually killed by a drunk driver when JW was 14.) Though, I’m don’t really agree with some of JW’s father’s “ideas” for raising children. He would make JW punch brick walls to break up his knuckles. JW knew all the pressure points of the body and yes he used them on me many times. Sometimes I wouldn’t be-able to move. Anyways, Elijah is excited to start. So, now he’ll have karate and gymnastics every week. Plus, any school activity he decides to join. He also keeps reminding me of the free horseback riding lessons he is eligible for. A lady at church told him because he is disabled he can do these free. UUUGGHH!!!! Can’t we just stay home!!!

Andrew’s cross-country team missed state by 2 points. They are so disappointed. He has an awesome team. They are truly family and very supportive of each other. He loves it. His season is done now. His awards banquet will be next week. YEAH-I don’t have to make supper that night!! For, the winter he just basically hangs out. In Spring he use to lay LaCrosse, but this year he is thinking of joining Track. We’ll see, he has time yet.

HEY-does anybody know the name of this book? It’s about a caterpillars. They are all piling up on each other and trying to get to the top of the pile to see what is up there. They will do anything to get there. One particular caterpillar (boy) does meet a girl caterpillar and they become friends. Boy decides to get to the top. He fights and fights, makes it and at the top is a butterfly. He eventually comes back down and him and girl caterpillar turn into cocoons and then butterflies.

The book is AWESOME. I bought it years ago when My mom, Andrew and I went to see my sister in Arizona. He loved it. Elijah loved it and then I borrowed it to a friend. YEP-never got it back. This friend has moved away like 4 years ago. I need to get this book again. The book has such an awesome moral for everyone. I CAN’T REMEMBER THE NAME OR WHO WROTE IT THOUGH!!!! If ya know, PLEASE tell me I wanna buy it sooooooo bad. I remember the cover saying something like for little, big and all types of people.

Alright, I must get to cleaning and then some knitting. It’s getting cold and I have TONS to do on PooWee’s wool sweater!

PooWee’s having a bad day

My PooWees isn’t feeling well.

                        

Yes, it appears we have an eye infection. His left is much worse than the right. But, I do believe the right is infect as well. Gotta go to see Dr. B at 3.

I think there may just be an ear infection brewing as well. He doesn’t want to lay and nurse. Evertime I lay him down he awakens. He’s very clingy and needs lots of lovings! My poor PooWees isn’t feeling well.

                                                   

Had to text Andrew, he’ll have to walk home. Hopefully, he’ll hitch a ride from a friend though. Then I gotta hope to get out of the doctor’s office in time to get Elijah from wrestling at 4:30.

Guess, I have a good excuse for not getting my Monday cleaning done-ah? And now, I must cuddle my poor lil PooWee!

Just Drained

I have to find a new job! I just can’t take this anymore! But I can’t! I won’t make the money I make here. I like working 3 days having four off and I know what my schedule will be all the time.

I know it’s not all about the money. I know I shouldn’t stay because I make more here, but I need to provide for my boys.

Funny - just the other day Jenna wrote about revisiting places, I commented and she returned with how strong I was.  Well, I went back just now and re-commented-I’m not that strong anymore! I can’t do this anymore. I need out!

I wish I could work from home. I don’t care if I would have to stay up all night to do it either. I wouldn’t need the daycare assistance either then. Been thinking about Medical Transcriptionist. With the diploma I have, Health Unit Coordinator I believe there is only a few additional classes. However, it’s been 7 years since I was in school, so how much would I need to re-take. And I’m told you have to have a few years experience before you can even work from home. I don’t know what to do. I really just wanna be at home, I’d do anything!

I would also like to just pack up and move away. Not necessarily to run away from all this, but even just to start over someplace new. A WARM climate destination sounds AWESOME to me!!! As long as my mom would come with! I could never leave her. I can’t leave anyways! Andrew needs to finish school here with his friends. I know he wouldn’t want to move and I’m not gonna  move without him! But, dreaming of it sure feels nice!

So well, yeah- I left work early. Just had to get out of there. Got Elijah and PooWees and just hugged them both crazily. PooWee and I laid down when I got home and I just cried holding him. He’s so special. I didn’t wanna let go of him, but he got too interested in the kitties, so I had to let him venture off to play.

Why do I let these people get to me? Why can’t I stay strong?

I don’t wanna be here!!!!

Well, I’m at work and TOTALLY hating it! This weekend is “the weekend” I have to put up with two people that truly hate me for keeping PooWee. It is so stressful. Even my director and supervisor have told me I will need to watch my back because they are watching for me to screw up. I can’t tolerate it and by the time Sunday comes I am just emotionally drained. Not to mention today I wokeup with a horrible headache.

This weekend J & P are in Russia (hopefully) bring the twins home. I know I vented in the past about this, but I am really happy for them. However, there is so much going on right now here at work about it, it’s crazy. You would never think I work with adults. As I walk past these people that don’t like me I’ll get comments like…well, NOW she’ll have her boys!…Double the pleasure….two are better than one….atleast these boys are worth it…etc. I just really want to cry,scream, yell, TELL THEM OFF!!!! I just keep walking and pretend I don’t hear.

J & P are coming home tonight and C (J’s best friend and one of them from above) is planning a huge surprise at their home. I would like to tell her what I think. These boys are going to be SCARED-EVERYTHING is new, total new enviroment, people…EVERYTHING is out of their norm! For crum sakes, don’t freak them out more than they already will be! Things need to go slowly, let them meet people in a calm, quiet, few people at a time situation. I’m already feeling so sorry for these boys. THeir about 17 months and could you imagine their reaction to all these unknown faces staring at them and oooohhhh and aaaahhhhing. OH BUT THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN FOR J & P!!! They will be so surprised! C is soooo excited! Can someone come and knock some sense into her.

Well, I actually just took a break to “pump” so, better get my butt back to work! Sorry for any typos-no time to “edit” I just REALLY needed to vent! Thanks for listening!