More WHYs

Throughout the night I continued the why game in my head. The whys just kept coming, like a never ending tale. So, I figure if I get the why’s out, maybe I can learn to move on and realize that even though theses whys happened, I’m still the happiest mother in the world. So, to continue on with my why therapy…

Why did I not breastfeed my son upon birth. Why did I listen to J’s words. “You may get too attached. Do you think it’s a good idea. I wouldn’t want it to hurt more than it already will.” Now, I wonder if these words were sincere, or if she said them for her own benefit.

Why did I have them in the delivery room? I sooo just wanted to be with my son after birth. To hold him in peace to kiss and hug and enjoy every moment of his coming into this world. But, I let them in. They then took over my son. And why didn’t I have a voice. Why couldn’t I say what I wanted. Why didn’t I tell everyone to get out. Why didn’t I say “I WANT TO BE WITH MY SON!”

Why did I allow J to room with me. Why did I let her care for my son. Why when I laid in bed at night listening to him cry and her attempting to comfort him, didn’t I do something. Why did I bury my head in my pillow, pretending to be sleeping and cry. Why didn’t I realize he may have been calling out to me. Why wasn’t I there for him? 

Why did I do everything J & P liked. Like let J hold and feed him first. Why did we pretend this was her pregnancy and their baby. Why?

Why didn’t I name my son at birth. Why was his first name the name they gave him? Why is their last name part of it? Why did I think he was theirs and not mine?

Why did I walk out of that hospital, leaving my baby behind? Why did I put Poops through that pain as well. He bawled his eyes out! Andorable, he withdrew himself from the situation.

Why did I think I had to place my child for adoption? Why did I underestimate my abilities to parent three boys. Why couldn’t I have had the attitude I have now, I can do it and nothing will stop me!

Why oh why oh why did I lie to my dear mother. I told her I was having this baby for J & P. I guess, at the time I had my mind set that I was. I couldn’t hurt her with the truth, that I had gotten pregnant on accident. (We used a condom.) My mom is so special to me. I didn’t want to hurt her. She never asked any questions and I never said too much.

It’s cute because she’ll yell at me for taking PooWee to daycare when I have a meeting at work. She tells me to just bring him to her place for that hour. I tell her, well, I figure the fact that she picks the boys up every Sat. for me at 6pm and Sun. at 3pm until I’m done with work at 7 is enough for her. Plus all the extra running she helps me with. It always seems that Andorable needs to be picked up at the same time Poops needs to be dropped off somewhere. And she comes back with “That’s besides the point.” What exactly does that mean? Beside the point? HHMMMM  means that I take PooWee to G-ma’s place when I have my meetings.

I’m sure there’s more whys I could add. However Poops is home from school and is insisting it’s HIS TURN on the computer. Guess I could let him on.

Why Why Why

After reading this today, it’s all I really thought about. Throughout the past 9 months I have been trying to figure out  what went wrong with me during pregnancy. One thing is I do strongly feel I should have had some major counseling.

Why is it I was able to walk into LSS, tell a stranger I want to place my baby up for adoption to J & P and that was that.

Why didn’t someone council me on my decision? Who evaluated my situation? I was HORRIFIED at having to raise another child, yes. But who was there showing me how I could.

Why did Mag, my adoption council ALWAYS refer to my baby as “the baby” or just “baby”. For example, she’d ask me, “Where will baby go after leaving the hospital?” Don’t ya think it should have been like this, “Where will your baby go upon leaving the hospital?” Why wasn’t he ever addressed as being MINE? Would it have made me realize he was mine? It was sooo easy pretending he wasn’t. Everyone around me called him J’s child. Heck even my counselor didn’t address the child growing in me as mine.

Why is it when I confessed to Mag that I couldn’t give my son up, did she then have me look at how I could parent. Why wasn’t this issue brought out during pregnancy. Why didn’t she just say, “OK let’s PRETEND you were to parent….” Maybe that would have made me look at reality and how I could do it.

Why did she first have me write a list of pros and cons after my child’s birth? Why didn’t I do this way earlier?  My pros outweighed J & Ps pros. If I had done this during pregnancy would it have been the same?

Why is it that I said I wouldn’t be-able to find weekend daycare, nobody had me even look? Well, until I wanted to bring my child home, then Mag had gave me a childcare connection phone number to call and try to find a sitter.

Why is it that the first person to sit me down and go over my financial situation was my child Guardian at Lied-em? Why didn’t Mag say, “You say you can’t afford this baby. Let’s see. How much money do you make?” Maybe then I would have realized I COULD do it. Sure, I get SOME daycare assistance, but otherwise I can do it!

Why didn’t I educate myself? Why wasn’t their classes, or support groups, or someone to tell me what was REALLY going on?

Why weren’t J & P required to take any classes? I think this would have helped with how they “over powered” my hospital stay. I don’t think J had really accepted the fact she couldn’t have her own child. I don’t think she was very acceptant of me being with my child upon his birth.

Why didn’t the hospital have a social worker come visit me to see how I was doing? Why didn’t they call Mag until the night before my discharge? Why didn’t they follow the form I signed saying I wanted pictures and other hospital memorabilia. (J & P took all that from the hospital and refuse to give it to me.)

Why aren’t birth-firstmothers the ones working with women that walk into an adoption agency. Mag, she’s an adoptive parent herself. Does this influence her to REALLY want to place another baby with Aparents?

I DO strongly feel there needs to be UNBIASED counseling. I think it would be SOO beneficial to talk with birth-first mothers during a crisis pregnancy.

Upon me leaving the hospital I remember Mag telling me, “There wasn’t anything I could tell you that would have informed you of how you would feel.” But, Mag - you could have said SOMETHING. You could have said it was going to be the worse pain I’d feel in my life. But, does she know? She never was in that position?

Sure, I walked into LSS and told them I couldn’t raise my child. But, WHY didn’t they do everything THEN what they did when I wanted him home? It’s like I had to prove I could parent, but I never had to prove I couldn’t. They just excepted what I said. I was in a CRISIS pregnancy! I doubted my abilities. I was SCARED, I wasn’t mentally intact.

What I needed was reassurance that this “baby” was MINE,  and shown how I could parent.

If expectant mothers had to go through parenting skills, financial evaluations, and look at daycare situations, before placing, how many adoptions would truly go through? Sure, there may still be the ones that may, but I strongly feel alot of expectant mothers will say, “HEY! I COULD DO THIS. I CAN KEEP MY CHILD!”

If only all my “whys” didn’t happen. If they didn’t, do you think I’d be writing this right now?

                    

My Precious PooWee- how sorry I am for putting you through what I did. I’m so grateful everyday that I have you in my arms. I cherish every moment with you and will NEVER leave you again! Thank you for being so WONDERFUL!

Reminiscing

I don’t think the School Forest has changed abit since I was last there in 6th grade.  As soon as we walked into the main lodge I could smell the deer they dissected way back then. I remember the day, I sat way in back with my head buried in my arms. My teacher tapped on my shoulder numerous of times telling me to pay attention. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know what a deer’s heart, liver, kidney, or intestines looked like. I only wanted to see them running through the fields, playing, or eating the green grass. And oh that smell, that smell came back to me as I entered the lodge.

Then off to the basement, here is the museum. A museum filled with animals stuffed with foam or in jars. Nothing has moved, I don’t think any new ones have been added either. And there sat the eight legged deer. The School Forest’s pride and joy. I looked at it once again. It is believed the fawn died at birth. There’s legs coming out all over. And then I decided - yeah, it’s just kinda creepy looking at an eight legged deer in a jar.

The cabins still had that musty smell. looked the same, though now they have an intercom system.

The toboggan run was still in working condition. The run goes over the lake at the bottom of the hill.  I remember the one ride that took my 2 friends and I to the wet, melting ice. We were soaked, drenched with freezing water. The counselors ran us up to the cabins and tore off our clothes to get us warm. Then the run was shut down for the rest of our stay.

And there was the repelling wall, one of those experiences where you are scared to death and then when you are done, you wanna go back for more. The thing is still standing, and in 3 years Poops will be able to hike up the stairs and jump  the edge, as Andorable did 5 yrs ago and I too many years ago.

It was a nice Family Field Trip night. Poops excitement grew for his time at the School Forest. And I got to reminisce my childhood abit. PooWee enjoyed the experience as well. There were lots of little girls that thought he was the cutest thing in the world. So of course PooWee flirted like crazy and fell fast asleep on the bus ride home.

Good news! Poops finally got to take the addition test in large print format. He did all 100 problems in 6 minutes and 47 seconds! AND had them all right!! He is still abit upset that it was his fourth time though. I explained that his teacher will take in consideration that he couldn’t see the other test very well and I’m sure they won’t really count them. I guess he is the first one in the class to finish all 100 correct and under the 10 min limit. That’s my boy!

Andorable went to homecoming this past weekend with his new girlfriend. I have yet to meet her, but say a picture. She’s beautiful. I’m begging him for a copy, so I can post it here to show him off. He’s not too cooperative though. He treats his girlfriend, so well. I like to encourage him to tell them how nice they look, open the doors for them and all that stuff that make us women melt. He’s very respectful and I’m so proud of him as well.

Kinda crazy to think that at his age I was pregnant with him. I was a wild child and didn’t care much about anything but myself. I snuck out of the house, skipped school, even ran away to California. (I live in Wisconsin.) Andorable, he’s the opposite. Hates missing school, only because then he has more homework, has awesome grades, and is on the right track. He plans on going to college, though is still not sure what he wants to do. He’s got time yet, I tell him, but it frustrates him.

I’ve always say that getting pregnant with Andorable saved my life. I changed my life around, I now had a life to take care of. I did end up dropping out of school and getting a factory job, but, I supported my son and I 100%. He has learnt from my mistakes. He ROCKS!

I sewed the zipper onto my baby sweater. Just as I was about to remove my basting stitches and pins I did a test “run”. Only to find out I HAD THE WRONG TYPE OF ZIPPER! The zipper I put on has a stopper at the end, I need one that will open. I then experienced one of my moments where I wanted to scream, shout, curse and throw a BIG fit. However, I choose to simple toss the sweater on my pile of UFOs (unfinished objects) and simple laugh.

                                                    

So, the sweater will wait awhile longer. Until I decide to carefully, take out my sewing stitches, and  pray I don’t accidently cut any knitted stiches. Oh, how much I love to knit!

Aaahh MONDAY!!!!

I LOVE MONDAYS!!! As most people head out for work, I get to lounge in my jammies as long as I want and start my 4 day break! Well, today I’m actually skipping a Preceptor meeting at work. SSHHH - don’t tell, they won’t even miss me if they don’t know I’m not there! I’m not training anyone at this time, so why go and listen to how the new RNs and CNAs are doing. PSST! BORING!!!

Got a Family Field Trip tonight with Poop’s school. Headed to the School Forest. Should be fun. I remeber going to the School Forest when I was in elementary school. It’s almost like going to summer camp. - There’s an 8 legged deer there! It’s actually a fawn that was found dead at some point in time. So, he/she is in a big  jar full of some liquid to keep him/her around for all to view for years and years! Kinda creepy now that I think of it!

We have been teaching PooWee’s sign language for about 2 months now and I THINK he did the eat sign! How awesome is that! I put him in his high chair and his hand went to his mouth, he pulled it away and did it again! YAY!!!! I know he recognizes the drink sign. Anytime we do it he looks at his cup. But, he hasn’t attempted any of the signs himself until now. I really think he did it!! Myabe it wasn’t, but I’ll believe he did! Oh so, exciting and FUN!

PLUS!!! This lil guy is gonna say MOMMA first!!! Not Dada, but MOMMA! THAT’S MY BOY!!! When he’s babbling, I say m-om-ma! He’s got the m sound down and at time it sounds like he gets momma out. How GREAT it that! Dadda is usually always the first one. NOT THIS TIME!!! Maybe I could even say he has officially said it. He appears to kinda say it and come to me. And when he cries he often is “somewhat” saying Momma. Yeah- I think we can just go ahead and make it official….MY BABY BOY HAS SAID MOMMA!!! Is he too young though, I don’t remember, when do they start saying their first word? ACK-I should just quite debating the issue and face the “facts”…I HAVE THE SMARTEST BABY BOY-HE SAID MOMMA!!! AT 9 MONTHS! HE’S THE BEST!

Time to jump in the shower and clean, seeing I work 12hr shifts on the weekend-NOTHING (except MAYBE dishes) gets done around here. So, Mondays do include CLEANING!! I-ho-I-ho it’s off to work I go…..

OOPPS FORGOT!

I wanted to say THANK YOU to all the kind words I been receiving. The decision the parent PooWee was the best choice I ever made in my life.

I have my friends and family that have supported me, but there has been alot of hatred towards me as well. Hearing kind words from others really warms my heart.

When I brought PooWee home, I got alot of prank phone calls, saying I  was a baby stealer. Telling me to give the baby back to who he belonged to. You name it-they said it. (I disconnected my phone and just have a cell now.) The calls were traced back to a pay phone.

My mailbox and locker at work would have nasty grams in them. There were major rumors that I planned on this all along. I WOULD NEVER plan on hurting ANYONE to the degree that J & P were hurt. (Actually I would never plan on hurting anyone PERIOD!)

My mother volunteer at a food drive and she was even “targeted” I was steaming then! SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS! She also got comfronted once when she was shopping and the sheck out lady knew her. I wanted to call the store and complain, but my mother asked me to just leave it.

I was so scared to even go out in public for awhile. I didn’t want to run into anyone that would make a scene.

In fact, I use to have dreadlock-as you can see from my avatar. I was thiking of cutting them for a long time, probably for like 1- 1 1/2 yrs, but didn’t like myself in short hair. They were getting too long, I’d step in on them, get them caught in doors, etc. I finally cut them, due to needing a “new identity” in a way. I didn’t want people to really recognize me anymore. (I often got the…”oh, do you know “so-n-so”, she told me about your dreads.” People knew who I was, and I never even met them.  Guess, the new do made me feel “invisible”.

Just for fun, here’s dsome before and afters…

    

Poops use to have dreads too, check him out right away!

  

OOpps guess I got off subject here.

But, anyways as you can tell, bring my son home was AWESOME and the BEST choice, however I also had to deal with alot of negative situations. Though, I look at all this as only SUPPORTING my decision to bring him home. Because THESE are the type of people that would have beenin his life. Wheter just a friend of J & Ps or a family member, heck maybe even J or P were doing some of these things. I wouldn’t want my son to grow in that type of enviroment. THANK GOD! I BROUGHT HIM HOME.

The way I see it is….There is ONLY ONE person to judge my decision. AND HE HELPED ME BRING MY SON HOME!!

As I said before THANK YOU ALL for you kind words. They do mean alot.

Yick-Thursday!

Yesturday was a nice relaxing day. PooWee played, I got laundry, dishes and floors done. And found some time to knit.

                            

Last night was a quite night at home for PooWee and I.  Poop went off to a Bible class and Andorable was hanging with some friends. My friend Ann stopped over during tubby time. Of course PooWee showed off his splashing skills. After Ann left PooWee and I read some books, and prepared for bed. Then just as it was bedtime this is what happened…

    

YEP-AIRPLANE RIDES!!!! Courtesy, of the one and only Andorable! YYYAAEE they are so much FUN!!!

This morning PooWee and I headed to good ol’ WalMart for some child gates. Andorable and Poops have been keeping their doors closed. And poor PooWee just cries when they go in and the door gets closed on him. They both wanted gates, because they felt so bad. Now PooWee can look in on them. Plus Poops has rabbits and guinea pigs that PooWee LOVES to watch. Now he can! Poops also has a turle and a hermit crab! YES-he LOVES animals and takes good care of them! Wants to be a vet.

                            

Today, I must pay all those bills I’ve been neglecting. I don’t like paying bills. They take all my money - I’m HORRIBLE at waiting til the last minute. It’s sooo STUPID of me, I’ll have the money, not spend it, but don’t pay til they are due! BAD HABIT! But, then again it feels good to be ABLE to pay my bills. HHMMM-better way of looking at them!

I made PooWee a lil braclet today. Kinda cute. He really hasn’t noticed it yet.

                   

I don’t care for Thursdays too much. They mean I have to go to work tomorrow. This weekend is going to SUCK too. I have one weekend a month that I have to work with the 3 people that have a HUGE issue with me keeping Poops. And well, this is the weekend. Their rude and VERY HARD to work with. I don’t care if they like me or not, but THEY HAVE TO WORK WITH ME! And they don’t “play in the sandbox” with me very well. I’ll tell them they have a phone call and they don’t respond back, so I don’t know if they heard me or not. One of them will let the call ring back a few times, even though I know she heard me. That is bad customer service. Once she even yelled at me in front of a patient’s visitor that I never told her. The visitor was awesome and said, “Sure, she did. You rolled your eyes when she told you! You knew!”  These three honestly love to sit back and talk about me-n-all. It’s actually rather funny and childish if you ask me! Oh well, I’ll do as I usually do….go, do my job, and BE PROUD OF MY CHOICE!

Their done!

PooWee’s Jester Booties are done! Cute-aren’t they? They are still big on him, but he loves them. Next are the Surf boots.

      

Hey look at that - I just noticed Poops put the couch cushions on backwards after practicing his head stands last night! Ha!

The baby sweater for my friend will get it’s zipper put on today. I work with her this weekend so I really want to get it to her.

Powee’s Donkey sweater is ready for the liner sleeves, hopefully I will get a start on those today as well.

And I started a Dragon hat for a Pharmisist friend at work. She gave me some organic baby food, that her son refused to eat anymore. He’s a big guy now and eats what Mommy and Daddy eat! She refused to take money for it, so I promised a new knitted hat. Poops had this hat when he was younger and wore it for years. It was his all time favorite! Gonna try to complete that by this weekend too.

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Badger-Knitwear-Projects-Toddlers/dp/1561584142

Sure looks like I have alot of knitting to do. Who wants to do dishes when ya could knit! Figure, I’m stuck home today anyways, so why not just sit around and knit! Andorable took the car to school. His cross cuntry practice is out at 9 mile park, this way I don’t have to run him all the way out there and then go back to get him when practice is done. 9 mile is out a ways. Good ol’ G-ma took Poops to school and will pick him up for me.

PooWee had a ruff night last night. He didn’t wanna nurse he just wanted to rock. So I spend alot of time “sleeping” in the rocking chair. I am fortunate he only had maybe 4-5 nights like this. Though, they somewhat suck, I treasure them too. What better feeling than having your child all snuggled up on your chest, signing to him, rocking him, and comforting him in time of need. I love having his head on my shoulder with his arm on the other. We hug each other and he falls fast to sleep. When I did get him in his crib I just had to snap this pic. He is just too darn cute for words.

  AAAWWW-I just love him sooo much. - As all my boys!

Tomorrow evening I have 2 meetings to goto, both for Poop’s school, both at the same time, but different locations.

The one I am NOT going to goto is at his school, concerning their reading program. The kids read for a certain time each night and after so many they get prizes, leading up to a T-shirt at the end. Poops earnd the T-shirt last year, even though he was there for only 1/2 the year. I guess some kids that were there didn’t even get 1/2 that far. It’s only 15 min. a night, why don’t parents encourage this? Poops goal is to be the first one to complete the program. He’s upset I’m not going to this meeting, but I’ll get info from school on it.

The meeting I am going to is a district wide meeting for parents who have children in the Gifted and Talented program. Poops earned his way into the program last year. I’m curious to know how they are going to “challenge” him. Seeing last year I was upset, he wasn’t being challenged enough. Most of the stuff they were covering in math and other areas we had already covered in homeschool. I kinda feel like the end of his school year was a waste.

This year has somewhat upset me already. Do to his visual impairment, he does need some specialized equipment, papers, maybe even treatment. For example, they are taking an additions test with 100 problems, they have 10 min. to do it. Well, all 100 problems are on 1 page and small font for him. Mind you he needs things to be magnified 7 times the actual size. Well, the first time he was upset he only got 84 of them done. All were right too! He said they were hard for him to see. He needs to strain his eyes and sfocus more than the norm. His Special Needs papers specifically say he additional time on timed tests. HHMMMM why didn’t he. His Visual Impaired (VI) teacher came to visit and Poops discussed this test with her. She did see the need for change and talked with Poop’s teacher about 1 giving him an additional 7 min. or enlarging the font for him. Cool! Well, the 2nd time he took the test -no change! I took it upon myself to copy the test in larger font and send it to school. 3rd time test was taken and STILL NO CHANGE!!! I EVEN MADE A TEST FOR THEM!!! GGRRRR!! 

Then they do reading groups. They get to sit anywhere in the class room and read together. Well, Poop’s group as yet to sit by his CCTV. Poop’s doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to upset his teacher. But HE NEEDS TO BE BY HIS CCTV. It’s VERY dificult for him to read the font in books. He reads very slowly and strains his eye. Ya would think the teacher would know this after much discussion already on his visual needs.

Then there’s how I was told the school needed to provide EVERYTHING he needed outside the norm for his educational needs. This including special paper and erasable pens instead of pencils. Well, if I hadn’t gone about it myself to purchase these items for school, I’m not sure he’d have them yet.

His mobility specialist is going to bring him a minocular. (Like Binoculars, but for only one eye) This is for watching movies and seeing assemblies-n- such. Well, here we are on the fourth week of school and he just found out he will be getting this NEXT month. So, he needs to watch, or should I say basically just listen to videos, and miss the viewing of assemblies for 2 months.

The school told me last year that everything will be in place for this year. I’m upset because they don’t seem to be. But, when do I say something. I don’t want to sound like a whining parent. Not sure when or even how to voice my concerns. And then to who? His classroom teacher, the VI teacher, Special Ed. teacher, or the principle? I’m thinking about emailing his teacher today. Sigh! - I just want him to get what he needs.

Andorable’s dad is buying him a car. Will be nice not to have to “share” mine. Though we are “fighting” over who gets the garage. I GET IT!-Right! I did my time scrapping snow off my cars when I didn’t have a garage. He thinks he should get it, because his car will be older and will need to stay as “warm” as possible in the winter for it to start. He’s good isn’t he! I told him whoever needs to leave the house first parks outside because then we don’t need to play switch-a-roo with the vehicles in the mornings. (Good point-right!) Well, he came back with that wasn’t fair because he leaves earlie than I do most days! SOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Mom wins - side with me here! PLEAS!!!!! I HATE scrapping my car in the early winter below 0 weather! Actually, I HATE WINTER!!!!!

Well, PooWee is need of some playtime. He thinks he can help me type. I think NOT!!!

Crazy thoughts

I’ve known for some time that J & P were in the process of adopting 15 month old twins from Russia. I’m happy for them, REALLY I am! I think a more closed adoption will be better for J. Through my experience with her, she was very uncomfortable with me around. Actually, during my preg. she even mentioned, she wouldn’t want an open adoption except for with me. Truthfully, I think she was going to close the doors on me if all would have gone through.  I’m surprised they went international though, because she had also mentioned they never would. She also always said, “I want a newborn baby.”  I think she got to the point where she would do anything for a child.

Anyways, for the first time since I’ve known about this I had a discussion with a co-worker/friend at work this weekend. (J and I work at the samehospital, different departments though.) Now, I have these feelings, wierd ones, I don’t know why, I don’t think I should even really care, but a few things bother me. My friend mentioned that J & P were painting the boys’ names on the nursery wall. For some reason this annoys me. They knew my son was coming for 9 months and when my son was there he was sleeping in the living room in a pack-n-play. At the time I didn’t really like that. ( I had wished for my son to have a beautiful nusery. - Silly, I know.) His nursery was not complete and had boxes and stuff all over. But, why is it going to be ready for these boys?

Isn’t that just silly for me to even vent over! It’s like I feel bad for my son. As if they care more about these boys then him. And why should I even worry about it, I’m the luckiest person in the world, I HAVE MY SON!

Also, I spoke to her about not really wanting my child to have to be in a daycare setting much. Well, he would have been for a forty hour work week. NOW, for these boys, she has changed her schedule to weekend nights only, where no daycare is needed and P will be home while she’s at work/sleeping. Here, too, why for them and not mine? I know they recommend no daycare for 1 yr for older child adoption, maybe this is why.

While I was pregnant, J would often mention the money they were putting into the adoption. I DID NOT recieve ANY! I paid my own medical, except for an ultrasound and they paid $36.00 of that after my insurance coverage. I didn’t ask for housing/living expenses, or turn in any reciepts for maternity clothing. I was even saving them money by pumping breastmilk for my son. Formula is not cheap. After I brought my son home, I was ridiculed for taking all their money from them. (I knew I didn’t-they are well off. She’s an RN and he is an investigator. Plus, they own rental properties.) HHMMM-how did they get to Russia with no money! And they are only on their first trip!

I’m just annoyed. Maybe I’m even hurt. Hurt that my son wasn’t treated the same as these boys. Is this just crazy or what. I guess we all want the best for our children and when other children are treated better, it bothers us. Is this why?

But, seriosly, I am happy for them. They will have their hands full, but I know they can do it. These boys will be loved and cared for tremendously. The boys will have an awesome extended family. I hope all goes well. I guess in Russia if ANYONE from the child’s family shows up to visit them, they are not adoptable for 6 months.

OK I’m going to be very honest here, I have had this EVIL thought and here too I don’t know why. It’s mean and unthoughtful, but I’ve thought it and I’ll fess up to it now! I had this thought of this adoption failing on them too. I think its because I want them to relize that I’m not the only one in this world that decided to parent their child. I’ve been treated so horrible by so many since I brought my son home, maybe I want “revenge”?

I don’t like the fact that I have felt these thoughts. What I really wish I could do is send my thoughful wishes to them and knit the boys a gift. But, I think it’s best to continue to pretend (at work) that I don’t know a thing. There are so many, that are all “hush-hush” about it when I come around. So I’ll just continue to “play” their game and act dumb.

Ok that was my confession for the day. Now, it’s time to clean up, my “pad”!

PooWee had his 9 month check-up today. After the appt. off to the store to buy a toilet lock. Yes-his new FAVORITE toy is the toilet! SPLISH SPLASH! He LOVES it! And loves the bath afterwards as well. Maybe that’s why he plays in it…for the bath. The past few days, we have been shutting the door, but there have been a few times it didn’t get latched tight. So, then we went with placing a box on top of the toilet. Now the lock should do. I’m a bit worried about Poops ability to unlock it, it’s quite hard. Guess, we’ll see how it goes. We’ll figure something out!

 He’s not too sure what to think of this new device. He has proceeded to pound on the toilet cover and try with all his might to open. I already love the toilet lock!

Poops had a busy day yesturday. As he fell asleep early doing his 15 min. of reading. We spent 4hrs at a Low Vision clinic. We went there to find out about all the equipment that will assist him. They helped with the amount of magnification he needs-n-all. They actually helped me understand his vision better than the doctor even did. If I remember correctly, he sees at 2 feet what “normal” vision can see at 20 feet, or was it 200 feet?. He needs 7X magnification. We went through different mag. glasses. Got 2 we plan on ordering. One is a nice one for his pocket. http://www.eschenbach.com/preview.php?pid=255 And then there is one we’ll get for at home with extra light for him. http://www.eschenbach.com/preview.php?pid=124

The lady assisting us gave me info on a used CCTV for him.  It’s 10yrs old and is for $450. I think I may just check it out and scrounge up the money. Then I can save for a new/nicer one. Newer ones are any where from $1500 to $3000. So, if this used one gets him by for awhile, that would be GREAT. This is an example of a CCTV http://www.shoplowvision.com/item_detail.aspx?ItemCode=17CRTBWS

This is Poops favorite http://www.activeforever.com/pc-1903-12-quicklook-zoom-portable-video-magnifier.aspx, though it’s not the exact one, he really likes the concept of this. He’s OK with me starting with the smaller/cheaper items and then we’ll save towards what he really would like.

Randy, helped us in the computer lab and he gave us some GREAT computer enlargement programs. They really nice ones are only like 30 day trials, but will give us an idea which one will work best for him too.

http://www.synapseadaptive.com/aisquared/zoomtext_9/zoomtext_9_magnifier_reader.htm

http://www.freedomscientific.com/fs_products/JAWS_HQ.asp

I’ve got alot of stuff to learn and then teach him.

Well, time to get my house work done for the day. Off to work for the weekend. (I work weekend only) Nice having 4 days off and only work 3! But, I still despize going! REALLY REALLY wanna find something I can do at home!

Soooo MAD!

Went to pick up Poops from school. Went early of course, quality knitting time waiting! Anyways, as I waited I witnessed the transfer of a car seat from one car to another. It was obvious this carseat was old. I’m guessing atleast 10 yrs, because it reminded me of the one I had for Andorable and he is now 16. WHY, WHY would someone risk their child in this?

Seeing this reminded me of Poops departure from the hospital. We had an AT RISK Placement Agreement. J & P had recieved the car seat they had registered for, however it was backordered. So, P borrowed an infant seat from someone. Well, their seat did indeed come in before PoWee was born, but they did not have it in their possesion. So, P brought the borrowed seat to the hospital to take Powee home in.

Well, the car seat was expired. I had left at this point thinking they would be going to get the seat they ordered or buy one for the time being. I was wrong! J had told me that the hospital had them sign a form stating they were aware they were taking MY baby home in an expired seat. I can’t believe they did this! I want to yell when she had told me this, but kept my words to myself because I didn’t want to upset her do to the fact they may have been adopting my son.

Why, why would someone place a newborn or any child into a seat that has expired safety features. Being in a car is scary enough, then add the expired safety features to it. How could the hospital even allow them to leave. I truely don’t feel any of it was right. Plus, were the “foster parents” the correct people to sign this form? Shouldn’t I have been aware of this and what about LSS, technically they were my son’s guardians.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Thank goodness, I now have controll over my son’s safety. And I will NEVER knowingly put it at risk!!! NEVER!!!!!